


Don't Tell Me To Stop

by Shippo704



Category: Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist
Genre: Cutting, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-15
Updated: 2015-08-27
Packaged: 2018-04-09 12:04:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 30
Words: 74,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4348118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shippo704/pseuds/Shippo704
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been a month or so since the camping trip and Rin's so-called friends still won't talk to him or even acknowledge his existence. That is, until they learn about his other secret. This is a story about cutting, for anyone out there who wants to read. First chapter was originally a one-shot and is more of an introduction to the summary.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Don't Tell Me To Stop

This story is for anyone out there who's felt this way, or understands what I'm about to show you.

 

I know it's wrong. I know what the general public thinks about these actions. I am perfectly aware of what I am doing, and how it affects my mental and physical health. I understand that it is affected by both my mental and physical health as well. I'm not stupid, or at least not as stupid as everyone thinks. Not in this area. Not about me. I know I must look happy, but that's only because I have practice. A lot of practice. Probably far too much practice.

It's not very hard to make people see what you want them to see. Just put on a smile and see what happens. People assume that you're happy, that you're okay, and a smile is an easy easy manipulation tool. If people see a smile, they tend to want to accept what you are saying and what you are showing. Just put on a smile and no one will question why your sleeves are pulled up over your hands, why your eyes look a little tired, why your clothes seem to hang off of you. It doesn't matter to them because you're smiling, and that means that you're okay. They don't need to worry about anything. They don't have to look past this mask. This lie that you've created to keep them unaware and content, hiding from the truth. After all, the truth is the hardest thing to face.

The truth about me? What do you want to know? I don't really smile anymore. I don't have to. My 'friends' don't care. They don't pay attention to me anymore. It doesn't matter if I keep up this facade, because there is no one to keep it up for. No one looks at me, no one sees me, everyone ignores me. I don't need to smile and pretend that it's all okay, because whether or not I'm alright does not cross the minds of anyone around me. I am alone.

Well, maybe that's not completely true. Yukio watches out for me. I smile for him. After all, Yukio is my little brother. Until the day I die, I will make Yukio happy. I will at least do my best. My best usually isn't good enough, after all, I am the underachieving twin while he is the twin that burns bright with his own light. Yukio is an amazing person. He is a great exorcist, he is smart, and he has always been better than me in anything and everything we've tried. School, games, friends, crushes... He has totally captured Shiemi's heart, it was his before I'd even met her. Now I don't even have a chance, I'm Satan's son and she must hate me. After all, she's terrified just to be within sight of me. There isn't anything I can do to change that. The flames of Satan are a part of me, and the part that will probably take over and eventually destroy me. But that's for the future to decide. For the present, I've taken up an old habit of mine, one I thought I'd long since broken.

I thought that I could survive without it because I had had friends who had supported me. Maybe for the time, I was right. While they were there, I didn't need it. Now that they're gone, it's just me and my toys. My toys are my friends.

I know, I know you've been locked out of sight  
All these years like me  
My friend...  
Will I've com home to find you waiting home,  
And we're together!  
And we'll do wonders.  
Won't we? You there, my friend?

My friends are very diverse. Firstly, I have my oldest and longest friend. A pointy rock with a jagged edge. It's dulled over the years, but it's still my faithful friend. My second friend is one of dad's old razors. He didn't shave too often, and this one snapped before it got too dull, creating another sharp edge. Dad didn't notice when I'd nicked it from the counter top in his bathroom when he was dressing my wounds one day. I have also collected a couple of pieces of broken glass and sharp plastic. I have on little orange piece of plastic that is very special indeed. It's from the broken ink cartridge of an old type writer. It snapped off when the cartridge was being removed. I just swiped it from the ground.

These are just toys that I've kept for a long while. Knives work too, but they're harder to use since many people wander around the kitchen all the time. And always at the wrong time. Just because I cook doesn't mean that I can walk around unnoticed carrying a large sharp blade. It doesn't really matter though. Knives are too obvious, and someone might catch on.

I don't really feel one way or another about being a cutter. It's just something that I am. Like I am a boy, like I have black hair, like I am Satan's son. Well, I kind of hate myself for that last one, but it's not my fault and no one seems to understand that. Cutting? Well, I guess it is my fault since I was the one who thought it up in the first place. I can't say that someone else had forced my to injure myself. This is my own idea and my own doing. I think I kind of enjoy it, just a little, but as for the act itself, I don't really feel anything about it, one way or the other. It's just something that I do.

However, I am not unaware of the general opinions regarding this act. No, I am not suicidal, or at least, cutting does not make me suicidal. In fact, I think it prevents it. It's a good think in my mind. Anyone who thinks that it is fatal, sure it is, if you're suicidal and know what you're doing or if you're just stupid. Yes, I could bleed to death, but that would be incredibly difficult for two reasons. One, I'm half demon. I don't think I could lose blood that fast. Two, I cut horizontally, not vertically. Like I said, I'm not as stupid as they all make me out to be. I may not be book smart, but I at least have common sense.

I am aware that many consider the act of cutting horrific, but it's my body, and since when does anyone care about what I do anyways. It's not like they even look at me anymore unless they have to. The way I see it, they're just trying to meld with the crowd. Self injury isn't particularly harmful, people are just far too dramatic. For example, if someone falls off a bike and gets a nice scratch on his or her arm, people would just patch it up and tell them that they'll have a nice scar to brag about. They'd better make up a cool story. But if the injury is self inflicted, it suddenly becomes that much worse, you are a terrible person, you should be ashamed, you're sick, get help, stop it, you'll kill yourself, you could have almost died this time. No. That's wrong. That is all wrong. There is no difference in injury, only in the situation. There is absolutely no difference in lethality.

But maybe they are right on one account. Maybe I am sick and should get help. I probably should stop it. But I don't want to. I'm not really ashamed of what I do, but I don't think that it's anyone else's business. Maybe if they'd understand...

They won't. They don't understand that I am not Satan and that I didn't choose to be born with these demonic flames that I've known about for only three months. They will definitely not understand something that is my fault. And this is where I start to feel ashamed. Because there is one other person I know. Yukio. He understands that these flames are not my fault. But he won't understand this. He thinks I'm stronger than this. Cheerful Rin Okumura, always smiling and doing his best to brighten everyone's day when all he can really do is betray everyone that he cares about because he's a demon. Not even a trace of human. Just demon. Satan's son, and that's all. Just me, I'm alone.

Loneliness wouldn't be too bad on it's own. With only loneliness, I can still pretend that I'm loved. But not this way. It isn't just loneliness. It's loneliness coupled with ignorance. All of the students who had once called themselves my friends ignore me and want nothing to do with me. With ignorance, I can't pretend that there is some sort of love out there for me. The opposite of love is ignorance. They are showing me that my existence isn't worth a single morsel of worth in their lives. It is completely the opposite. I can't believe that I was stupid enough to make friends in the first place. It just goes to show what a complete fool I am.

And with that thought, I can drag my pencil across my skin. That plastic piece that always sticks off of the mechanical pencil, that piece that you use to clip the pencil to a piece of paper, I snapped it off, and it left a tiny point, a sharp bit of plastic sticking out of the body of the pencil. Rip that across my arm and watch it bleed. Not deep, not enough to scar, but enough to watch blood seep through and slowly run down my arm. A few minutes from my elbow to my fingertips. Ruby drops fall into the cream white sink.

I don't want anyone to tell me to stop what I'm doing. It's a safe way for me to vent my negative emotions, and I like it. It looks pretty and I can make whatever patterns I want. I'm a pretty shitty artist, so they never look very nice, but I can choose which way to draw the lines, and where they will cross. Maybe I shouldn't be too harsh on my arms though. Yukio might notice long sleeves in summer, but if I cut on the outside of my arms, I can probably get away with wearing t-shirts, revealing a couple of scratches that I could have gotten anywhere. I fight demons. Scratches are bound to happen. That's why I don't cut my abdomen. I've been punched through the gut too many times. Anything that doesn't look like a massive puncture wound or scar will stand out. My legs can be torn up as much as I please. Pants are acceptable at any time of the year in any heat.

And I will not stop. I like it. It helps me stay in control, rather than being the other way around. Without this control, I could go crazy at any time. This is a vent. I let it all out, I take it out on myself. This way, no one else gets hurt. It's perfect. And no one ever has to know. I'm much too careful.

I remember each scar I have and I remember how and why I have each one. Each tool, each reason, each emotion. I am a cutter through and through. I will not change. No matter how long I stay sober, I will always be drawn back. It's been quite a long time since the last time I cut, a couple of months before dad's death. I found out just how much of a failure I was in school. They didn't want me, no high schools would ever consider me, so they told me not to apply. I was also told that I would never be hired as the delinquent that I am. I just smiled and told those teachers to go to hell. It's my life and I can do whatever the hell I want with it, be whatever I want. I would be successful in something. Then I went home, I cried, and I carved a nice line from the outside of my right calf, behind my knee, and halfway up my inner right thigh. I think it's a pretty scar, and the one that represents just how much of a failure of a person I am.

But the one that I plan to make right now, it's the one that will represent just how much of a failure of a friend I am. For symbolic purposes, I had debated carving a large X over my heart, but I can't do that. That would be way too cheesy. This time I'll make the vertical cuts up my arms. I doubt I'll bleed out. I don't think that's possible, and I don't really want to die yet anyways. I just want to cut, to let it out, to hurt.

I picked up my trusty piece of glass. This one is from a shattered wine glass. One of the pieces of glassware that Mephisto left for us in this dorm, I bumped it with my arm by accident and it fell into the sink. It broke. I tossed most of the glass, but I kept this piece for my own purposes.

I held the large shard in my right hand and pressed it against my wrist, just over the thin blue line that showed me where my vein is. I may be no good at art, but I can at least follow a line with whatever instrument I use to write with. I pressed in, and dragged it up my arm.

Too shallow. I jerked it the rest of the way up. Pain, beautiful. I deserve it. It hurts for a second, then it feels nice, I hardly feel it at all. My blood drips into the sink and I smile my first real smile in a month. Even if it's hollow and ironic, it's real. It's mine. For once, I'm feeling slightly better. Just a little less stress and emotional pressure since my friends started ignoring me a month ago.

I thought I heard a soft thumping. Maybe it's just my heartbeat. After the cut, my sense become a little heightened, probably from the adrenaline. That and the dopamine released both go towards making me feel a little better.

Then some mumbling. Sounds like Yukio. I guess he's talking to himself, trying to make the lessons easier for me to understand. I never was good at school stuff. He's probably just rehearsing.

Then I hear the handle of the door turn, and the ever familiar squeak as it is pushed inside. I see Yukio and all of the other exwires standing outside the door. They stare at the ground and then look up. For a second, their eyes are sad and they look apologetic for some reason. Then their stares turn to ones of shock, and Shiemi even looks like she has tears in her eyes. I'm confused. Then I look down.

Oh.

They see the new scar, the blood, the cut that shows just how shitty of a friend I am for lying and keeping secrets from them. I guess this is no different though, what else could they expect from me.

I don't know how to explain this to them, and part of me doesn't really want to. I don't need to explain it to them because they don't actually care anyways. I can only think of one thing to say, so I say it.

“I don't expect you to understand, and I don't expect you ever will. Whatever you think about me, just please don't tell me to stop.”

I walked over to the group, my blood dripping off of my fingers and on to the floor. I put my hand on the door and began to shut it.

“Don't tell me to stop.”

I closed it, leaving a bloody handprint stain on the clean white door.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

 

Yukio led the exwires upstairs to his and Rin's floor in the abandoned boys dormitory. He had noticed that the students were quite obviously ignoring his brother, and had decided to give them a mouthful about it. He knew that it hurt Rin to be alone, just as he had been in the past. He had never made friends easily due to his short temper and literal demonic strength. He could only imagine what Rin was going through when his only friends had decided to ignore him so completely for one small detail that Rin had had no control over. Being the son of Satan didn't suddenly make Rin a different person. After all, he'd been Satan's son all his life, even if he'd only become aware of that fact a few months ago.

That was why Yukio had decided to confront his students. In a regular school, one of the jobs of the teacher was to prevent bullying, and to stop it if they were to ever see it. This situation is more or less the same thing. Purposefully leaving one student out is never kind, and is more cruel than most even start to imagine. As a teacher, and as a brother, Yukio had decided that the exwires needed a little scolding for their actions, or at least an opportunity to explain themselves. This is why Yukio set up an after-cram-school meeting with the group. Just a friendly group chat about a not-so-friendly topic.

“It's not what you're saying it is!” Bon exclaimed, angry that his actions had been interpreted that way, “It's not that I hate him for being Satan's son. Who can control who their own father is? I'm certainly not too proud of my old man either. I'm just mad at him for keeping this a secret! He didn't trust us after he called us his friends!” Bon slammed his fist into the desk to emphasize his emotions.

“I didn't try to ignore him.” Shiemi said quietly, “I was just scared because I didn't know what to say to him. He always looks like he's so happy and that everything's okay. He thinks that it was okay for him to hide things from us, and when he looked hurt, I didn't know how to comfort him.”

“I've ignored him for the most part anyways.” said Izumo, “I don't really care at all, but I've never paid him any more or less attention than I do now.”

“Rin's not a bad guy.” Shima said casually, “I mean, he's kinda like me. He can't just sit and study for a test, he's gotta be in it and doing something. He's a lot more serious than me though, and he seems to have a pretty good taste in women, right Moriyama?” Shima joked. Shiemi blushed, “And he's a pretty funny guy once you get talking to him. I haven't intentionally avoided him, I just follow Bon because he's the reason that I'm here.”

“I don't know about you, but I'm really scared of him!” Konekomaru said, “I mean, he could just start shooting flames at any time! Demon flames don't get put out like regular flames, and on top of that, fire can kill people. It's Satan's flame, so what do you think that flame is for? If he had some sort of control, I might be able to learn to cope with being around him, but it's just too dangerous right now. I don't know why you guys can take it so casually.”

“Thank you for telling me all of your reasons.” Yukio said with no expression on his face, “I can understand all of your reasons for wanting to stay away from my brother, and you all have valid points... except for Shima. I do understand that peer pressure is difficult, however this doesn't seem to usually affect you. After all, you dyed your hair pink. You seem not to care too much about how others view you.

“I held this meeting to inform you all that your ignorance has hurt my brother deeply. You five are his first real friends, if you don't include me, of course. For most of his life, I imagine he has felt a deep loneliness, not having any connection with his peers,” Yukio looked toward Shiemi, “and now he has finally been able to call a group of people 'friends' for the first time in his life. How do you think that feels?

“I think it made him feel ecstatic. For the first time in a long while, Rin actually seemed eager to go out to school and do things, even if his homework was never complete and he failed all of my tests. Besides that point, Rin actually wanted to be here, rather than just attending because he felt that he had to.” Yukio looked toward Bon now, “You all have different reasons for being here, but this is probably the first time since he learned to cook that Rin has felt like he has some sort of reason for doing just about anything.

“Then you took it away from him. Losing a friend is very painful,” Yukio looked at Izumo, “almost like losing a family member. It can be just as painful, as you may be aware.” Yukio now looked at Konekomaru, “I know that you have all felt the pain of losing someone close. Now imagine everyone that you know and hold dear. Imagine that they are all dead, or gone somewhere. It hurts, right? Now imagine that they are alive, but they are completely ignoring you, acting as if you don't exist, or hold even a bit of worth in their eyes. Does it hurt more? Or does it hurt less? What do you think?”

“I think that we're all jerks.” Bon stated glumly, “I'm the one who talks about teamwork and cooperation, friendship and trust, and I just did what?” He stared at the floor.

“I can't believe we did that! We must have hurt him really badly. This is my first time making friends too, and if you were all gone, I don't know if I could ever make this much progress again. I really want to apologize to him!” Shiemi said, eyes filled with determination.

“Let's stop being cowards and go then.” Izumo said.

“I agree, Rin's a pretty cool dude. He never deserved this. Why can't we just stop being teenagers and go say that we're sorry?” Shima said.

“I agree completely. Follow me, I'm pretty sure that he's in our room right now. You can all apologize to him there.” Yukio said. He led the group towards the boys dormitory. Only Konekomaru had remained silent. He was still afraid, but he wasn't heartless. He couldn't just let Rin feel that miserable. He felt a little guilty too, but he just couldn't say it out loud.

\---

The group climbed up the stairs in the dormitory and headed for Yukio's and Rin's room. Yukio checked inside first and determined that Rin wasn't in there. If he wasn't there, the only other places that he could be were in the kitchen or the bathroom. A pacing Kuro outside the door to the boys bathroom answered Yukio's question. If Kuro was outside, he must be waiting for Rin. For Kuro to be so anxious though, Rin must have been in there a while.

Yukio decided that it would be best to try to coax Rin out. He walked the exwires over to the door before he knocked. After a few raps on the door, the group waited. Rin didn't answer. After about a minute, Yukio decided that it had been plenty of time for Rin to do whatever he was doing.

“Rin? Are you in there? Are you okay?” Yukio asked. He waited a few seconds for an answer, but didn't receive one, “Nii-san, I'm worried about you. I'm going to come in now.” Yukio opened the door.

As the bathroom door made it's familiar squeak, the exwires turned their eyes to the floor. Yukio didn't know if it was because they didn't know if they wanted to see what was inside, or if they were all just scared. Maybe it was a bit of both.

He pushed the door in all the way, and looked toward Rin with sad eyes. All of the exwires glanced toward the lone figure over the sink, and the blood that was slowly seeping down his left arm and the piece of broken glass in his right hand. The shock set in quickly. None of them could speak. All they could see was the blood, the scar, and their sad friend who'd felt that this was the best way to handle it all. They all felt horrible about what they'd done to the happy boy that they'd known a month ago.

In the middle of the shock, Rin began to speak.

“I don't expect you to understand, and I don't expect you ever will. Whatever you think about me, just please don't tell me to stop.”

Rin walked toward the group, blood dripping from his fingers to the floor. He put his hand on the door as if he were going to shut it, and spoke once more.

“Don't tell me to stop.”

With those words, the door closed in front of them.

\---

I could hear them talking from outside the door. They probably consider me a freak or a psychopath or something for what I've done to myself. But it's not true. I'm perfectly sane, at least I think I am, and I am most certainly not a psychopath. This was all planned and careful. I selected my target, selected a method, and carried out my plan flawlessly. The only error was them walking in and finding me. That was something that I hadn't calculated. I'm really much closer to a sociopath than a psychopath. I wonder why they were even here in the first place?

They had no reason to come here. The only ones who have a reason to come here are Yukio and Kuro because they live here, and Shura because she trains me. This dormitory has beds and a fridge, that's all that she really needs. And a roof for me to train on.

I think I should just go up there now. That space is really peaceful. I like it. I can relax there and not worry about anyone or anything at all. Up there, no one can reach me and no one can touch me. All I have to do is climb out this window and scale the wall.

That wasn't too difficult, even with this bloody arm of mine making it a little slippery. Hah, I wonder what Mephisto will think of the blood stains of his building. I bet he won't be too pleased. Oh well, it's his building. He can deal with it however the fuck he pleases. I don't give a damn about him or anyone else anymore. They can all just go to hell, or Gehenna, or wherever people go. I don't care about them anymore.

I don't care about them, and they don't care about me. If they don't care about me, then why should I? I mean, I am a demon, after all. Demons are supposed to die. That's why exorcists exist. I'm just a contradiction if I can't live by that rule. A demon or an exorcist. I can't be both since the two are effectively opposites. I have to chose one side or the other, and since I have no choice about being a demon, then I guess that's what I am. They are all human, part of Assiah, essentially good creatures. I am not. I am of Gehenna, and the spawn of the worst of them all.

I still held the piece of glass in one hand. It looked pointy enough to even create a stab wound, and it was large enough to go deep. Without a second thought, I plunged that glass shard into the side of my leg. It went all the way in. I guess I won't be able to use that toy anymore. Too bad.

Maybe that went in deep enough to kill me? I almost hope that it did. I really don't want to deal with this anymore. I bet even Yukio hates me now. I have absolutely no one left. None of them care, Yukio probably hates me because I'm not what he expected me to be, and I doubt Shura would care one way or the other. I'm her excuse to quit working and drink and nap. That leaves me with only Kuro. Sure he's my familiar now, but he was originally dad's cat. I'm sure he would prefer Yukio as a master over me. Yukio is smart and a well-trained exorcist. A prodigy, isn't that what they'd told us in the first class? Kuro deserves a better person with me, although I'm really gonna miss my little bud when I'm gone.

I guess I am suicidal if I'm already thinking that I'm gonna die. Well, no big deal. It's not that I hate living, it's just that I hate this life. If it changed a little, I'm sure it would be fine. If I wasn't so lonely all the time, maybe I could smile. Maybe if someone could understand, or try to reach out to me, help me, I could start to learn to be happy. Until then, I'm just alone. When you're alone, does it matter if you're alive or not? Who is really going to care? If you're alone, that means that there is no one there to care. Living or dead, it's all the same. So why not just give up? It's easier that way. No pain, no emotions, not heartbreak in death. Only silence, rest, and peace. Just an eternal sleep.

Sleep sounds really good. I'm tired. I hope no one finds me. Maybe I'll bleed out? But my demonic healing is too good for that. Maybe I'll just roll off the roof in a dream. That might do it, though I've had far worse falls during fights. Maybe I'll just die from the loneliness. I dunno. Just dying...

I let out a yawn and closed my eyes. There really is nothing left for me to do in this world. I can just sleep. I'll sleep on the roof here where no one will find me. This is my own place and I can live here by myself. I can live in my imagination and my dreams, pretending that there's someone out there who cares just a little about wretched being like me.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Yukio stared at the door for a full thirty seconds, shocked by what he'd just seen. He knew that his brother was upset and probably depressed, but he had never imagined this. Didn't Rin know that there were better ways of letting out his stress and frustrations? Didn't he know that he could just come and talk? That his younger brother would sit and listen to him? That he still had people who cared about him? Rin was family, and despite any jealousy, Yukio felt that he needed to be there for his brother at all times, and he had failed.

This brought on another thought. How long had Rin been doing this? When had he started? Did it begin this past month while he was being ignored by the exwires? It might have. Rin has always been good at avoiding subjects that he doesn't want to talk about, but he's never been able to completely hide something from his own brother before, has he? As a brother, Yukio had had lots of experience observing Rin, and figured that he could pick up on anything that Rin was feeling at any time, as well as provide a general idea, if not specifics, as to what Rin would do about it.

Based on the past, Yukio had known that Rin was lonely, sad, and depressed. It was easy to tell. Rin would hardly talk, would stare off into space, and act on autopilot all the time. There was nothing that he did that he seemed to want to be doing. Everything became a responsibility, a requirement. There was nothing that he did for fun. He didn't smile.

That's not completely true. He did smile, but he didn't really smile. Each one for the past month had been forced. Rin was forcing himself to look okay when he was clearly crumbling inside. But why? What possible reason could Rin have for not talking about it? Did Rin not trust him? Was Yukio such a horrible brother that Rin couldn't even understate it and say that he was just having a bad day? Really, that should have been his first clue that something worse was going on...

But this is exactly what Rin did before, all through elementary school and middle school. Does this mean that this wasn't his first time cutting? How long-

“Why would he do something so stupid?” Bon shouted. It was a question that all of them wanted answered, but one that none would probably ever understand that answer to. “Does he think that he's alone? I don't understand what's going through his head!”

“I think that might be part of the reason.” Yukio stated, his voice betraying his shock at what he'd witnessed.

“But why? We're his friends. He knows that. Why does he need to hurt himself when he has so many people who care for him?” Shiemi asked.

“Because he doesn't think that way. Remember what I said before? Rin is alone. Everything that had started going right in his world was suddenly taken away. He reverted to a state before square one, because he didn't have betrayal and loss the first time through.” Yukio answered. He wasn't thinking about the conversation, he was just answering automatically.

“When you say the first time through, does this mean that this has happened before?” Bon asked, concern thick in his voice, “If so, why didn't you tell us immediately? That way we could have stopped this from happening.”

“I don't know. I don't know if this has ever happened before.” Yukio said, guilt creeping into his voice. “I'm his goddamn brother and I didn't even notice it!” Yukio was shouting now, self-hatred prominent. “I'm the only person who he's been able to trust and apparently he wasn't even able to do that! It's my fault because I wasn't good enough! I wasn't able to help my brother when he needed help! I'm the only person in his life and I failed! I never even saw it happening! Why am I such a horrible person...” Yukio trailed off, breaking into small sobs.

Shiemi took a light hold of Yukio in an attempt to comfort him. “Hey, Yuki-chan. It's not just you. We all missed it. We all made a mistake, and now we all need to fix it. I don't know how, but I know that that's what we need to do.” Shiemi said.

“Yeah, we've gotta do something. After all, he's our friend and he's hurt. We'd all be awful if we didn't do something. We just need to make a plan.” Shima said.

“B-But you don't know. He's always been quite reserved. He doesn't like to share anything, especially his feelings. That's why I learned to read him, but apparently I fail at that too. Now my brother is hurt, possibly beyond hope and I can't help! He might even be suicidal for all I know and I never saw it coming! That's why it's my fault and why I'm so terrible!” Yukio screamed.

SLAP!

“Shut UP! Shut up Yukio. You're right, you are a horrible brother!” Izumo exclaimed.

“I-Izumo-” Yukio stared at Izumo in shock.

“You're talking about never seeing what's going on with Rin, well it's pretty obvious why!” She said, angry with all of them for being such idiots. “You're self-absorbed! He's in there hurting himself, maybe trying to die and you're out here screaming about why YOU'RE a horrible person. It's fitting because you ARE!

“He can smile and say it's okay. Maybe you don't believe him, but you won't do anything because most of your mind WANTS to believe in that illusion, believe that everything is okay. That leaves him breathing room to do whatever he wants to do, or thinks that he needs to do to make himself feel like someone cares! If he's acted like this before, then there's no doubt he's done this before, but you were too STUPID and SELFISH to even take a second glance! He manipulated you, and you fell for it. Now that you know, you're still out here crying about yourself instead of in there and DOING something about it!” Izumo yelled, hoping to get her point through Yukio's thick head.

“I-Izumo-” Yukio was cut off.

“Rin!” Bon yelled as he broke through the door to the bathroom. “You idi- what?”

A quick look at the room revealed that Rin was no longer there. “RIN! WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GO? IF YOU AREN'T DEAD BY THE TIME I FIND YOU, I'M GONNA KILL YOU MYSELF FOR BEING SO STUPID!” Bon screamed into the empty room.

“Hey, Bon. The window's open...” Konekomaru commented weakly. Bon rushed over to the window and looked out. He looked down, and thankfully didn't see a body at the base of the building. The small relief was short lived, when he realized that Rin was still missing.

He looked left, right, and up until he saw the blood on the dies up the building, trailing up to the roof. “He's on the roof!” Bon said to himself, relief filling him now that he knew the location, and dread filling him as he began to think about the conversation with Rin that would soon follow.

Bon turned around, rushed out of the bathroom, and ran towards the stairs to the roof. He wasn't half demon, so he couldn't climb up there like Rin did. As he ran, he shouted to the others not to follow him. “Oi! It's going to be one at a time to talk to him, you here me? All of us hurt him for too long, and I doubt he'll be forgiving! I don't think he can deal with more than one at a time! Dibs to be first!”

Bon climbed the stairs and slammed the rooftop door open with a huge bang. “Rin! Oi, Rin! Whatcha doing? Rin?”

He saw Rin laying on the roof, facing the sky and completely ignoring him. He guessed he deserved that, but Rin didn't look like he'd noticed Bon arrive at all. No twitch of the ears or flick of the tail. He was dead still...

...Dead?

“Rin! Wake up! Get up you moron!” Bon shouted as he ran over and started shaking Rin. He looked asleep, but it was more likely that he was unconscious. Bon did a quick scan of Rin's body and found a likely reason why. The idiot had shoved a large shard of glass into his leg. His pants were thoroughly soaked and caked with his blood. Only a demon could lose this much blood and still be breathing... But Rin's only half demon. This could really kill him! There would be no suicide while Bon had any say in the matter.

Only one thing to do. He couldn't let the idiot leave that piece of glass in his body, slowly festering with bacteria that could eventually kill him. He just had to get the thing out and deal with the injury as best as he could.

\---

My leg hurts a little. Why does it feel like there's something wiggling under my skin? Did demon worms work their way in through the glass wound to slowly devour my organs from the inside? I dunno. Sounds like a painful end, but I don't deserve anything nicer. After all, I'm Satan's son, the worst of all.

“AAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEAAAHHH!” Rin screamed out loud as his leg felt like it had suddenly been ripped off where his wound was. He curled his leg towards himself, grabbed it and kept screaming, keeping his eyes shut. He was definitely awake now, but he didn't want to see another sky. Another sky meant another day he had to spend on this earth, living with all of the hate and ignorance that he received every day. He didn't want to do it.

“Oi, Rin. I got the glass out, now let me fix up your leg.” A Bon-sounding person instructed. I don't answer. I am in pain and don't want to deal with the likes of my “friends” right now.

“Oi, I know you're awake. Stop ignoring me and let me help you. If that gets infected, you could actually die, you know. Demon healing or no, your immune system still works the same. If it fails, you die. Now let me fix it up, you damn idiot.” Bon said. I kept ignoring him. “Hey, stop ignoring me!” Bon said as he shook my shoulders.

“Like you ignore me?” I quietly jabbed back. The jerk. He deserves it.

No answer. Damn. I hate him. He can't even reply to it. He knew what he was doing and still kept doing it! Am I really that awful? Does it make him feel better to know that I'm hurt? I guess so, I'm devil-spawn. I don't deserve kindness, even if I try to be kind and try to help. All I can do is get it wrong. There's nothing good about me. He's back to ignoring me now. I'm not even worthy of an answer now that he knows I can speak again. I guess being able to say four fucking words means that I'm a-okay and he can just go back to normal and keep on ignoring me. Why did I have to be born?

“I'm sorry. I deserve that. I didn't mean it the way it came across, and I realize that now. You have no reason to forgive me or ever trust me again after all I've done to you, but I do realize my mistakes and I just want to help. Will you let me fix up your leg?” Bon apologized quietly. It surprised me. I almost want to believe him, but it's probably just a trick to make me feel worse. I won't fall for it, but this leg does need a little bit of patching up...

“Do what you want. I don't care, but I know you're not sorry. Don't lie to me. I'm not falling for your trick. I'm not going to let you be nice to me and let me believe that we're friends just so you can turn around and hate me again. I'm not that stupid you know.” I said. “Besides, what's to forgive? You weren't in the wrong in the first place. I was in the wrong for ever assuming that I could live the same as you all.” Why did I just admit that to him? Am I really that desperate for company and companionship?

“Fuck it! Don't you know that we actually give a damn about you and what you do? Why don't you take a look at the truth? Look at me and see what I'm saying! I was wrong! I apologize! You don't have to forgive me, but I'm sure as hell not lying to you!” Bon shouted. I cringed. I knew that he hated me. He must have seen the flinch because he immediately quieted. “I was just mad at you for not telling us sooner. Friends trust each other, right? You didn't seriously think we'd turn on you just because of who your old man is, did you?”

“But you did.” I hope my words stung.

They must have, because Bon went silent. He took off his shirt, ripped it, and wrapped it around my leg.

“You're right. I'm sorry. I have no right to even be talking to you and trying to earn any sort of forgiveness or relief from this guilt I feel for hurting you so badly. If anything, the roles should be reversed. I've been the demon.” Bon said quietly, but just loud enough for me to hear. “I'm not giving up though. You look like you haven't seen a kind face your whole life. Everyone deserves at least that.”

My eyes betrayed me. They started tearing. I had been waiting for such a long time to hear someone say that, to try to give me some sort of comfort, but I can't accept it. To accept it would be like admitting that it had never happened. This is not something that I will ever forget.

“Whatever you might think about me, I do just want to help. I want you to stop and learn to trust someone, even if it's not me. I just want you to stop and please, never do something this stupid again.” Bon said. I could hear the hurt in his voice. I guess he's been telling the truth this whole time, but he made one very big mistake.

“I guess you aren't ready to listen to me at all. Maybe having someone to talk to would be nice, but I can't trust you. You can't even listen to one small condition.” I said, letting my voice grow hard and cold.

“What? What was it?” Bon asked.

“It's just what I said before. You don't understand. You will not understand how difficult what you're asking me is. I said 'don't tell me to stop.' Please leave now. I don't want to see you.” I said.

“And I don't want to see you attempt the same thing you just did! Maybe I'm not ready to listen, like you say. It's your choice, but you sure as hell aren't staying out here. You are getting the fuck back into your dorm and getting some fucking treatment for that leg of yours. Even if you don't want me to, I'm not letting you kill yourself. Not so long as I can do something about it.” Bon stated firmly. He walked over and picked me up. He squirmed and got me onto his back, piggyback style.

A part of me was happy that someone cared, but the majority of me was disappointed that I was now on suicide watch, even though I didn't really want to die. Now I wouldn't be able to cut, not with this much supervision.

“You aren't going to make this easy, are you Rin?” Bon asked. I didn't know whether he was talking about getting me to trust him, or getting me to get off his back and walk back to my room myself. I know I'm a heavy weight to carry. All muscle. I just relaxed and made myself heavier. I smirked when I heard Bon grunt with the extra work that he suddenly needed to do. Hah. Serves him right. He says he wants to help, but he really doesn't understand. He never will. He can try, but until he's cut himself, he won't understand what I'm talking about. He can only see from his side, so he doesn't know just how much it takes to keep up the appearance, to look like I'm not dying from the inside out.

He doesn't know, and he never will. Not if I can help it. I don't want to talk to someone who doesn't even know the first thing about cutting.

Once you start, you don't stop. Maybe you'll be sober for a day, a week, a month, maybe even ten years. It doesn't matter. You'll still do it again.

That's why I told him not to tell me to stop.

I only managed to get one sentence out before I passed out again. Maybe he'll get it this time. “Don't tell me to stop, you stupid rooster.”


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

It had been ten minutes since Bon had run off, calling dibs on helping his brother, and Yukio was starting to feel a little anxious. Where could they be? What's taking so long? Bon had said that Rin was on the roof, so how long should it take for the two of them to come down? Yukio paced around his room, his thoughts racing too quickly for him to keep up. He felt horrible, guilty, and worried for his brother. Why had everything turned out this way?

Because he hadn't paid enough attention to Rin when it counted. Who was he to be scolding the exwires when he had done the same thing that they had? Since he was Rin's brother, it made him worse than the exwires.

While pacing, Yukio couldn't shake the feeling that his brother had done something especially stupid this time. What other reason would Bon have for not being back yet? Maybe they were just talking. He would love to believe that, but he knew Rin at least well enough to know that Rin won't talk. He must be terribly hurt... And that only made him more anxious.

The anxious pacing of their teacher wasn't helping the exwires either. It only lead the exwires down similar thoughts. Shiemi had tear tracks down her face, Izumo and Shima shared worried frowns, Konekomaru seemed a little panicked, although they couldn't tell just who he was panicked for, and Kuro sadly pawed against the bedroom door, waiting for his master to come back.

Needless to say, the tension was very high in the room. When the sound of footsteps (not Yukio's) was heard from outside the door, the whole group ran over and threw the door open before beginning to bombard Bon with questions.

“How is he?”

“What happened?”

“Why aren't you wearing a shirt?”

“He didn't hurt you did he?”

“Why is Rin on your back?”

“Why is he unconscious?”

“Why-”

“WOULD YOU ALL JUST SHUT UP!” Bon shouted. “Yukio, I want you to help me carry Rin to his bed, then, while he's still asleep, I want you to take all of y our shit and get it out of here. You are moving out of this room. The rest of you, either help carry Yukio's stuff out, or get the hell out of here.”

“Why should I remove my things from this room?” Yukio inquired. He was relieved to see that his brother was relatively okay, but confused by Bon's orders.

“Because Rin can't fucking deal with any of you. Sure, you've shared the room this whole time and he's been fine with you, but clearly, having you here didn't help. Get your shit out, and leave him alone for a while.” Bon stated, becoming a little annoyed with the exorcist.

“But he's my brother! Are you saying that I can't see him at all?” Yukio asked, alarmed.

“Except for class. You don't have much choice then, do you. Believe me, he won't want to see you. If anything, you'll only cause him to feel worse. If I know anything about this idiot, it's that he cares for you. A lot. He wants to protect you because he has such a fucking martyr complex. He'll kill himself before he lets anything, including himself hurt you. That's why you need to leave. Apparently talking to anyone means hurting them, somehow.” Bon replied.

“I see. I guess you're right. I'll get out. But then where should I stay?” Yukio asked.

“I don't know, what about the rest of this empty fucking dormitory?” Bon said, extremely annoyed with how dense his teacher was acting. Sure, he's probably in shock, but that question was just stupid.

“Make sure you're cleared out before he wakes up. Konekomaru, would you use your key to go back to our dorm and get some of my stuff for me?” Bon asked

“Um, sure. I can do that. What do you need?” Konekomaru asked.

“Hmm. Let's start with about a week's worth of clothes, toiletries, a few good books, and all my homework, notebooks, textbooks, and pencils. That should last me for a little bit.” Bon answered.

“You-you don't plan to stay here, do you?” Konekomaru's voice rose with each word, “He's dangerous? What if something happens?”

“If anything happens, it'll happen to him. He won't hurt me. Anyways, I've gotta stay here and make sure that he doesn't try anything more stupid. Also, for him to trust me, I've gotta trust him too. If I can trust him to not hurt me, then maybe he'll trust me to not hurt him too. It's a long shot, but I've gotta try.” Bon explained tiredly. “Will you get going already? I need a new shirt. This one's torn and covered in Okumura's blood.”

“Sure Bon, whatever you ask.” Konekomaru replied meekly, quietly making his way to the boys dorm to get Bon's things.

“What do you plan to do with my brother when he wakes up?” Yukio asked.

Bon sighed. “Honestly, I don't know. I've never dealt with anything like this before, and I don't exactly understand everything about where Okumura is coming from. I've never done it myself, so I can't possibly know. That's what he told us all before, too. I guess I'll just wing it and play it by ear. Try to help him out if I can. Who knows, if I'm lucky, maybe I can help his grades too, do you a favour.” Bon smirked.

“Not funny Bon! I just want my brother back...” Yukio said sadly.

“And that's your problem. He was never back, he was always gone. You just believed a lie. Now hurry up and grab your stuff so you can get the hell out!” Bon scolded.

The conversation in the room ended abruptly. The exwires helped Yukio trek his things out of his room, and Konekomaru returned shortly with a small suitcase containing everything Bon had asked for. He trusted Bon, so he had to believe that he would be okay, no matter how scared he was of Okumura.

After Yukio had moved out, he and the exwires left Bon and Rin alone in the room, Rin still passed out on his bed. Bon took a quick glance at Rin's sleeping form before sighing. He clapped his hands together and began unpacking his things. He figured he'd be staying for a while.

\---

I was sleeping just fine, and now Yukio's puttering about on his side of the room, being really noisy. Can't he take a hint? That noise, those slamming drawers and that cloth on cloth noise, it's really irritating and Yukio's doing it really loudly. Well, I guess I'll just have to joke at him about it and get him to stop. It's annoying and I just want to sleep.

I sit up, rub my eyes, and put on my best smile. “Oi, Yukio. That's some of the loudest clothes-folding I've ever heard? Ya don't need to be reorganizing your room now, do ya? What's the special occas-” I open my eyes and I don't see Yukio. “Bon, why the HELL are you in my room?” I'm beyond pissed. He has absolutely no right to be in here. I don't want him here. I want him to go the fuck away so he can hate me from a distance and I can be lonely and depressed and everything can go back to normal. I don't need him in my room, packing his shit into Yukio's space.

“Someone's gotta watch you, and Yukio wasn't doing a very good job.” Bon replied. Still placing his neatly folded clothes into drawers.

“So this is a fucking suicide watch? You don't need to bother. I'm not gonna do anything.” I grumbled.

“If you wanna call it that, go ahead. I'm just here to keep you company, though.” Bon said.

“How long?” I asked.

“Well, that depends. You asked me not to tell you to stop, so I won't. I don't get what's going on, not completely. You're totally right about that. I'm just here to keep you company until I do, or until I'm convinced that you aren't going to start up with this nasty habit again. It's really up to you, when you want me to leave.” Bon answered coolly.

“That's basically the same thing as asking me to stop, you know. I'm not gonna kill myself, I promise. Good enough? I'm under no obligation to tell you anything, so why don't you just go away?” I asked.

“Because you're my friend, you idiot. I'm trying to make up for a mistake by explaining myself to you and trying to help you get past all this because I am part of the cause. That, and because it's the job of a friend to help other friends out, right? You've got a problem, talk about it. Ask for help, Okumura, especially when you need it. We aren't gonna let you down, you know.” Bon said

“You already have.” Fuck! Stop being honest with him just because I'm pissed! He'll learn things! Fuck! I should just shut up, no more talking to him.

“I know. And I apologize. You don't ever have to accept it. It's your choice. Either way, I'm staying because you clearly need help. I don't care what you say about it. You said I shouldn't tell you to stop, and I said that I'm not giving up on you. Sucks to be in your shoes, right? You have to deal with me until you help yourself feel better, however you plan to do that. Honestly, I don't care how you make yourself happy, even if it involves ignoring me forever, I just want you to stop feeling the way you've been feeling for the last month. No one deserves that kind of hurt, Okumura, no one.” Bon explained.

“Then why don't you just leave, I'll continue with my life, and you continue with yours. That satisfies everything you just said. What I do makes me feel better. It drowns out the depression and the loneliness. I don't have to talk to you or anyone, and you can just leave me alone. You'll be happy, I'll be happy, and you never have to see me again. Works beautifully.” I said.

“Except for the part where you aren't happy.” Bon said, “I may not get everything about why you do what you do, but I do know what it feels like to be shunned and lonely. I'm the child of the cursed temple. The whole city of Kyoto knows me and ignores me too. I can't do anything about it. I do get that part, at least. Now why don't you just give in and let me help you?” Bon asked, as he slammed the full drawer closed. Finally all of his clothes were packed away.

“Simple. I don't trust you, I never will, and I don't need to. Just get the hell out of here. Leave.” I said.

“Stubborn idiot.” Bon replied.

“An insult. That makes me feel loads better.” I roll my eyes.

“I'm not gonna mollycoddle you, ya ass. If you can't handle it from me, that just proves you can't handle it from all the people in the rest of your life who are gonna think the same thing. Think of it as practice for the rest of your life.” Bon replied, before laying himself down on the bed, and turning his body away from me. I guess he's just as happy with the new rooming assignment as I am. I wonder who's idea this was, anyway?

Maybe he's right though. Maybe I can't handle it. If the rest of my life is gonna be full of people hating me, I don't really want to be living it. I've had enough of it in the last fifteen years of my life. No one is going to suddenly change their minds and decide that I'm an okay person and treat me like I actually matter. No one is ever gonna care about me. I don't need to delude myself about that.

I turned over to face my wall. I hear soft snoring from the other side of the room. I guess the moving tired Bon out enough for a nap. Taking advantage, I slipped my hand down the crack between my bed and the wall. I picked up the sharp toy I'd hidden there. A piece of a CD case that I'd snapped in half a long time ago. It's big enough that I can hide it there and grab it, and it's in a place that no one will ever find. If they try to clean my room out, they'll fail. They'll never manage to find all of my toys.

Bon says he want to help me? I say “fuck him.” I stab the pointy plastic into my forearm and rip it across. Blood starts pouring immediately. No need to hide the blood since he already knows. I tucked my plastic back into the crack, then settled myself down. Another nap would be nice. It'll be nice when I wake up. I can't wait to see and hear Bon's reaction to my new red tie-dye sheets.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Yukio paced his new room anxiously. He had moved down to the first floor at the other end of the building to give his brother as much space as he could. He hoped that Rin would be okay, because he certainly couldn't stand being this far away from his brother for this long, knowing that there's something wrong with him. He figured it was his own fault for being such a terrible brother, but it still pained him to think that way. He just wanted to protect Rin, to help Rin be happy. Too bad he had failed.

Shiemi and Izumo were keeping Yukio company through his impatience. They knew that Yukio wanted Bon to come running back here and tell Yukio to go back and be with his brother. They also knew that that wouldn't happen. The best they could do was to try to keep the exorcist's mind off of everything and wait for a text about how Rin was doing. If a text came, that is. Bon hadn't said whether or not he'd periodically inform them all about Rin's well-being.

Since there were two of them and two jobs, Shiemi did her best to keep Yukio calm, while Izumo kept her phone in mind. Shiemi didn't have a phone, and Izumo didn't care for Yukio any more than she cared for anyone else. It worked out well.

“That's it. I need to see my brother right now. This is insane! He's clearly not doing okay so why can't I go back and help him! He's my brother! I need to protect him! I need to fix this!” Yukio shouted. He was getting a little stir-crazy.

“No, Yuki. You can't go see him. Bon said one at a time, and that Rin couldn't trust you yet. It's only been a couple of hours. You need to be patient.” Shiemi pleaded, hoping to appeal to Yukio's sense of reason.

“But he's my brother! He's going to trust me more than anyone else! We've lived together for fifteen years! He's only known you guys for four months! How is he supposed to trust anyone other than me?” Yukio screamed.

“Well, you did lie to him.” Izumo stated calmly. “You've been training as an exorcist for eight years or so, lying to him for eight years or so. Is that supposed to promote trust?”

“But he's my brother!” Yukio cried

“We know. That also doesn't mean that he will always completely trust you. Siblings may be close, but that doesn't mean that they will act perfectly, according to the others' wishes.” Izumo said.

Tears started falling down Yukio's face. “You don't have to be so harsh, Izumo. Yuki is going through a hard time too. It hurts us all to know what Rin's done, but it hurts Yuki more since they're brothers and they've been together for so long and-” Shiemi was cut off.

“Idiot. You weren't listening earlier, were you. You two have been together for quite a long time. If Rin thought that he could trust you enough to tell you, then he would have, barring some other important reason. Tell me, Yukio. Was Rin a violent child? Did he pick fights with the kids that probably bullied your weak little four-eyes self? Did he consider you someone worth protecting from all harm? Because that seems like him to me.” Izumo argued, annoyed.

Yukio could only gulp in reply. “It's just what Bon said earlier, isn't it?” Shiemi asked, “He needs someone other than Yuki-chan right now.”

Izumo could see the sadness on the faces of the other two and decided that it would be beset to let them deal with it themselves. She couldn't help them. She could only provide third-party facts for them.

“I'm gonna go get some fresh air.” Izumo said as she walked out of Yukio's new room.

She decided to explore the dormitory. It's not like she had anything else to do. She just wandered around, taking in the walls, the rooms, the layout, the colours. It seemed to be a pretty standard place, if a little grungy and old. It's not somewhere that she'd ever like to sleep in again, but it did seem liveable, if nothing else. It seemed to be divided into two halves on each floor, with each half being the reverse of the other. Pretty normal for a building meant to house a large number of students in a specific area. It was just hallways with rooms, a bathroom at the end of each hall, and a common room/kitchen area in the middle. Very straightforward.

She was wandering around the upper floors when she heard some banging and shouting.

“Okumura, why the hell can't you just shut up and listen for once!”

“Because I don't have to! You aren't my mom! You aren't my dad either! He's the great demon king of Gehenna, you have a grudge against him! You're gonna defeat him, remember!”

“Yeah, and so are you! Shut the fuck up and listen for once!”

“Why should I? You don't even know what the fuck you're talking about! You have no authority! Just get the hell out of here!”

She heard a door slam, and some angry footsteps coming down the hall. Bon saw her and just glared.

“What?” he asked.

“Nothing.” Izumo replied. Bon stalked away angrily, probably trying to blow off some of that hot air.

Izumo sighed. Since Rin should probably be under constant watch, and since Bon just ran off, she figured she should probably go sit with him. It's not like anyone else was going to do it, and it's not like she had anything better to do. She was just wandering the dormitory, after all. Why did boys have to be so stupid? It shouldn't be that hard to just sit in a room, making sure Rin doesn't grab anything sharp. Even if he did, what's the point in stopping him? They probably couldn't. All they can do is sit there and hope that he decides that saying something is better than acting violently.

But boys think with their fists and their dicks. Not their brains. Izumo sighed again. Why couldn't everyone have at least a little bit of common sense? Maybe she could get away with texting Paku on Bon's half of the room while Rin did whatever he did on his own side. She walked up to the door, knocked softly, then went inside.

\---

It didn't feel like I'd slept long before someone was shaking my shoulder. Really hard. It jostled my injured arm and made it start to throb. Oh yeah. My arm. I bet that's what Bon's mad about. Hah. Serves him right, that jerk. He can't lie to me that easily.

“What the fuck, you asshole!” I shouted.

“That's what I should be asking you! How? Why did you go and rip your arm apart over your sheets? What was the reason behind that?” Bon shouted. I'd made him mad. Heh. That made me smirk a little.

“The same reason as every other time. I didn't think I'd have to hide it this time since you already know. Does it bother you or something? Why should you care in the first place? Can I go back to sleep now. I was having a dream about this gorgeous chick you know.” I answered snarkily.

“You aren't Shima! Of course it bothers me! You're my friend, Okumura! Or at least, I'm trying to be yours!”

“Yeah, right. Since when?”

“Since always, you moron!”

“Shut up! I'm not that stupid, okay? I was smart enough to fool all of you dimwits! And you and Yukio even got fucking scholarships here! Don't call me an idiot!” He was really pissing me off now. Just 'cause I can fight and I don't look all that smart, or care that much about school, does not make me stupid.

“Of course you are! You just did something like this even though you have friends here to help you!” Bon shouted back. He really doesn't know how to listen to me.

I burst into flames. “You are NOT my friends! How could you be after everything you've done! I'm not going to let you all just destroy my feelings like that again! I'm smarter than that! I'm stronger than that!”

Bon's eyes widened, but only for a split second. I guess he's more angry at me than scared of me. “You're really stronger than that? Then prove it! Let us be your friends, let us help you, and stop this mess!”

“WHY THE HELL SHOULD I? AND WHY THE FUCK CAN'T ANYONE EVER LISTEN TO ME?” I was seeing red and blue. Anger and flames. I was vaguely aware that my body might set off a fire alarm if I didn't calm down soon. I heard some crashing as Bon started throwing his textbooks on the floor in frustration.

“We are just trying to help you! Okumura, why the hell can't you just shut up and listen for once!”

“Because I don't have to! You aren't my mom! You aren't my dad either! He's the great demon king of Gehenna, you have a grudge against him! You're gonna defeat him, remember!”

“Yeah, and so are you! Shut the fuck up and listen for once!”

“Why should I? You don't even know what the fuck you're talking about! You have no authority! Just get the hell out of here!”

Bon turned on his foot angrily and walked out the door, slamming it behind him. I guess I'm not even worth a response, and that I'm not worth his time to be around. All I can do is make him angry. Even if he deserves it, I can't be the one to give it to him. I'm shouldn't be scolding him when I'm worse than he is. I can't blame him for not wanting to stick around. I am Satan's son after all. These fucking flames just prove it.

I sighed in frustration. It's not like anyone will ever give a damn, or should give a damn. I could just as easily cut my self into oblivion. I bet that that would feel nice.

I stared across the room and spotted my old dull razor between two textbooks. I his it in between history and geology. With Bon throwing his books around, I guess it shook the blade loose. I'd better put it back if nothing else.

I padded across the room, and just grabbed the blade without thinking. I felt a small sting as it nicked my palm and fingertips. Those things are sharp on both sides. Oh well, nothing I probably wasn't going to do at some point anyways. No harm done.

I heard a soft knocking on the door. Blade in hand, I froze. Then the door opened. Izumo walked in, looking bored. She sat down on Bon's bed and pulled out her phone. Texting someone, I guess.

“Why are you here?” I asked

“Someone's gotta watch you, and with the way Bon stormed out, I would say that he's currently unfit to do so.” She glanced up from her phone to look at me and take a brief look at the room. “I guess he wasn't doing a great job anyways, with the way your sheets look.”

“I-I guess not.” What's up with her? Does she not care at all? Then why is she here?

“You can stop being so nervous. Go put that blade in your hand away before Bon comes back and finds it. Then, you might want to clean yourself up.” She said, look back at her phone. It dinged. I guess she's talking to someone.

“What?” I asked. How did she know?

“Blood's dripping off your hand, and there is no wound on your arm. You must be holding something sharp. With how relaxed your hand is, the only thing sharp enough is a blade.”

Can she read minds?

“I can't read minds, I'm just a girl. We tend to use our brains, not our fists.” Her phone dinged again. Man, she's popular.

“Fine then.” I cleaned myself up, threw away the sheets, and tucked the blade back in between the history book and geology book. She probably won't tell Bon about it. She doesn't seem to care enough.

“In case you're wondering, I do care, you know.” Izumo said. Girls are so creepy.

What are you talking about? I never said that I thought you didn't.”

“Well, you probably think that none of us gives a damn because we betrayed you. That's only your perspective, though. I still treat you the same, so is that really a betrayal?” she asked.

That's a good point. She never cared in the first place, and she doesn't care now. Maybe she can just sit there. At least Izumo doesn't piss me off.

“I guess not. But you never really gave a damn about anyone but Paku and yourself in the first place anyways. I mean, why else would you be so calm and cold about this right now, anyways?” I asked. Her phone dinged again as she turned her eyes up towards me. She dropped her phone and stalked across the room, jabbing her finger into my chest.

“I don't show that I give a damn because I too, know what it feels like to be ostracized by peers. Paku is my only friend, the only one that I can let down my guard around. If she's the only one that I appear nice to, the so be it. No one else has given me a reason yet. I guess we aren't so different after all.” Izumo hissed angrily. “You aren't the only one, you know.”

With that, she got off of me and went back to the bed. She picked up her phone and continued her texting.

“What do you mean by that?” I asked. That really freaked me out. Angry girls are fucking scary!

Izumo rolled her eyes. “If I tell you, would you consider listening to me?”

“Sure, I guess. You're the only one who isn't bugging me to stop. That was the one condition I told you all, remember?”

Izumo rolled up her sleeve. On the inside of her left arm was a single thin white line. “Like I said, you aren't the only one.”


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Yukio's phone buzzed on his new nightstand. He didn't notice it in all of his worry and anxiety. He just kept pacing and thinking, trying to figure out what would drive Rin to hurt himself so much. Shiemi had to shake him to get him to pay attention.

“Yuki, your phone is buzzing. You should answer it, it might be important.” Shiemi said, patiently, holding Yukio's shoulder.

“Oh, okay. I didn't notice.” He flipped his phone open to look at the text message.

_Yo, four-eyes, what room did you move to?_

Of course it had to be from Bon. Maybe he was going to bring Rin over here!

 _Room 101._ He replied. He hoped Bon would bring his brother quickly. Only a few hours apart, and he could hardly bear it.

Soon enough, a very annoyed looking Bon walked into the room. Alone. He slammed the door shut behind him, stalked over to the bed, and took a seat. “What?”

“Where's Rin!” Yukio demanded. If Rin wasn't here, then that meant that Rin was alone right now, That is not allowed. Rin can't possibly be alone in case he cuts himself again! Or what if he does something worse than that? Cutting and cutting a little deeper couldn't be that much different, right? There's no way Rin would do that. He hoped.

“I had a fight with the idiot. He refused to listen to me, and he kept claiming that there was nothing wrong with what he was doing. He told me to get the fuck out of the room since I didn't understand, so I did.” Bon answered.

“But that means that Rin is alone right now. How could you _possibly_ leave him _alone_ right now. How could you even _think_ that that was a good idea! Even in anger, WHY DID YOU LEAVE HIM ALONE UP THERE! HE COULD BE DOING JUST ABOUT ANYTHING TO HIMSELF RIGHT NOW! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU JUST SITTING THERE AND TEXTING FOR?” Yukio shouted as he stalked over to the teen on his bed, preparing to shake the crap out of him.

“I'm texting Izumo to ask her if she's with him. I passed her just down the hall from Rin's room after I left. She might have gone to sit with him.” Bon replied, glaring at his teacher. “I do have a brain, you know. I do use it. Instead of wasting energy shouting at me, you could have been doing the same thing.”

“But I didn't know that she was there! What did she say!” Yukio said, really annoyed with the student on his bed.

“She hasn't texted me back ye-” his phone buzzed, “I guess that's her.” He flipped his phone open. “She said yes. She's with Rin, they're talking, and he's fine. Pfft. That liar.” Bon said

“Liar? What could she be lying about!” Yukio asked

“Everything. Obviously, the moron isn't fine, or we wouldn't be here trying to help his sorry ass. And I know he's not fine because he managed to-” Bon cut himself short. Yukio didn't need to know about his brother, or about his own failures.

“What. Did. My. Brother. Do. Bon?” Yukio was hardly holding back his rage.

“Calm down, Yuki!” Shiemi pleaded, placing a hand on his shoulder.

“He didn't do anything. He just argued with me a bunch. That's all.” Bon said, looking away.

“Tell me what's going on with my brother!” Yukio demanded.

“Fine! Your idiot brother clearly doesn't trust us and wants to annoy us all because he ripped his arm apart just before a nap! I didn't notice because I was already asleep after moving a whole bunch of crap into that room, and having a small argument with him.” Bon answered.

“Why did you let him do that!” Yukio shouted.

“I already told you, I was asleep!” Bon shouted back. “If your brother doesn't give a damn, then why should we? I mean, he's not gonna stop, even if we try to make him. He can always use his nail if he has to. Trimming them won't do a thing, since he can just release his demon powers and have them grow out again, sharper than ever. It's a futile effort.” He sighed. “Why bother trying?”

“Because you said that he was your friend!”

Bon's eyes went wide for a second, then narrowed. “Yeah, we're trying to be friends to him, but he doesn't feel the same way. To him, us and the rest of the world might as well be the demons we fight every day. We're the enemies, only he can't kill us.”

“Then convince him otherwise!”

“I can't! He doesn't' want to listen!”

“Then make him listen and take away all of the sharp stuff in his room! Give him safety scissors, restrict his access to kitchen knives, and watch him more closely!”

“Then he'll just use his nails! And that won't make him trust us more! Maybe taking away his tools would help, but that's not gonna make him trust us at all!”

“But, you need to help him get better. Please? Do what I couldn't do...” Yukio trailed off, sniffling. “Please help my brother, please? I want him to get better. I want to see my big brother again.” Yukio dropped to his knees. Shiemi put her arms around him to try to comfort him.

\---

“So, what happened? Why did you- Just what?” I asked, confused. “Why would you ever-?”

“Why do you do it? Honestly, I wasn't a fan. Not my thing, I guess. I was a popper for a while, but I quit.” Izumo answered calmly.

“Popper?”

“Popping an elastic band against my arm, hand, or wrist. Sometimes it would bleed a little if I snapped it hard enough, enough times in a row. And I could hide the marks with the hair tie or elastic I used to do the damage.”

“And how did you quit?”

“I met Paku.”

I stared at my feet for a minute. I didn't know what to say. I mean, what can possibly be said? What words would make any difference? I already know that nothing will make a difference. I mean, it's kind of the same for me. What could anyone say to make me feel better? I don't know, and I don't know what to say to her. Maybe I should just keep listening to her? Wait, Paku. Paku helped somehow?

“How did Paku help?” I asked.

“She was my first friend.”

“But how did that help? Didn't she just ignore you, or get angry when she found out?”

“I almost wish she would have. It would have been easier than what she did do. But I'm glad that she did what she did, or I don't know what would have happened. I don't know what I'd be like right now, how I'd be treating myself, how I'd be feeling, I don't know if I even want to think about what could have been.” Izumo answered.

“This might now be any of my business, but, um, what did she do?”

“We became friends in elementary school. A bunch of kids were picking on me again, and I ended up dropping my books. Paku, being the amazing and nice person that she is, walked over and helped me pick them up. She told me that she wanted to be my friend, and that she didn't like being friends with those who hurt or bully others. Heh. She's still the same way now. Even though I told her that she'd only be hurt by being my friend, she stuck with me. I couldn't understand, and there was a weird feeling building up in my chest. It didn't feel bad, just kind of weird. I didn't know what to call it.

“I was the school freak. I was the crazy kid. The one who saw imaginary monsters all over the place, just looking for attention from the adults. I cried and pretended to be scared just so that the teachers would comfort me. They didn't know about demons, and neither did I, really. It took me a little while to figure out that the other kids couldn't see them, and that they weren't just lying and picking on me for no reason. Paku didn't seem to mind, though. And when she became my friend, people stopped picking on me.

“Even though things got better for me, it didn't take much to set me off. I would use just about anything as a reason to snap the band against my wrist. If my test mark wasn't high enough, if I couldn't understand a homework problem, even if I just felt a little lonely. A few times, I didn't even have a reason. But it all had to come to an end one day. One day, Paku caught me.

“She saw me snapping a band against my wrist several times in the past, but I talked her out of thinking much of it. I mean, I just told her it was to keep myself from getting too distracted in class, and she didn't question it. But one day, she caught a snap that made me bleed. She grabbed my hands and told me to tell her what was wrong. She told me that making myself bleed wasn't helping me to accomplish anything, and that it hurt her to see her friend hurting so much inside that she had to take it out on herself. She said it hurt to think that her friend didn't trust her enough to tell her that something was wrong.”

I looked down and flinched inwardly. Maybe that's how Yukio feels right now.

“She got me to look her in the eye and tell her what was going on. She got me to admit my fears and doubts, and she got me to start thinking that I could trust someone else again. That weird feeling in my chest that I felt every time Paku was around grew stronger than ever during that time. I later learned that the feeling was comfort and love.

“Sounds corny, right? Well, I don't care that much. I'm allowed to love my friends. Or in this case, friend. Paku was basically my family from that point on. I could tell her anything, and she would help me out. Either of us could say anything, share inside jokes, and not feel stupid about it. To me, it was the best thing that's ever happened. I started to feel happy for the first time in a very long time.

“Because of my friend, I was able to stop popping. I didn't need to do it anymore. I'd found a healthier coping method. I talked. To a friend.” Izumo stared at me. “You don't have to do it, and to be honest, I don't think there is a single one of us who doesn't want you to stop. But I know that there's no point in telling you not to. You won't stop, and you won't listen to us. Not until you learn for yourself what you need to learn.”

I could only stare at the floor. What do I need to learn? I already know enough. I know that I can't trust people, especially those people. They all hate me. They don't care about me. They never did, and I doubt they ever will. I'm not going to listen to them, especially without a good reason. I don't care if hurting myself is considered wrong by most. And now I know that Izumo would be a hypocrite if she said anything. I guess I know now why she's so cold to people. But that's not the same as me. She doesn't know how it feels to be me. She never will. She has Paku, and Paku is too nice to ever ignore or betray Izumo. If what she says is true, then she's at least safe for a while. She's safe from it all until she and Paku have to part forever.

It doesn't matter. I need to think about me. Thinking about other people means that I might start to care about them. I can't do that! I can't start to care, only to have those people turn on me and destroy my heart again. I can't take any more hurt feelings. I can't afford to give a damn about anyone else anymore. Except Yukio. Yukio is always my exception, but I can't face him now. I don't know if I ever will be able to.

I felt something warm fall down my cheeks. I closed my eyes and put my hands on my head.. I can't look at anything right now. I don't want to see, I don't want to hear, I just want my chest to stop hurting and my eyes to stop burning. I want to cut so bad...

I felt something warm touch one of the hands on my head.

“I think I know what you want to do right now, and by all means, go ahead. I just want to tell you that it's not just hurting you, and I don't think it's worth it.”

Why does my chest suddenly feel so warm? It almost feels nice.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

“So let me get this straight.” Bon said, “You want us to do something that you, the genius, prodigal exorcist, can't handle. Something that has to do with a demon.”

“Fuck you, Bon. My brother is _not_ a demon.” Yukio snarled.

“He isn't, is he? Then what do you call the tail, the fangs, the ears, the nails, the fucking blue flames that shoot out of his body whenever he gets mad?” Bon baited. He hoped that Yukio would come to this realization on his own without too much help.

“Bon, that's a really mean thing to say! Don't hurt Yuki like that! Can't you see that he's already upset?” Shiemi said, wrapping her arms tighter around Yukio.

“Oh, he's hurt, is he? He's not the one being blamed for someone else's failures and other things that I can't control. Rin is his own person, he does what he wants! Don't blame me for it!” Bon shouted

“But you were the one who was supposed to be watching him!” Yukio replied.

“Wasn't that your job until just a few hours ago?”

“I was only supposed to watch him to make sure that he didn't hurt anyone else!”

“But he's your fucking brother!”

“That doesn't mean I can stop him from doing anything! I just want to try... I want to make Rin happy. After everything, I want my big brother to be happy. He's not a demon... He's my brother. I want...” Yukio trailed off.

“Don't be such a hypocrite, teach.” Bon sat down on the bed opposite Yukio. “You want Rin to be happy. You blame the rest of us for not making that happen. You didn't even help him in the first place, and you aren't trying to now. If you had looked, listened, paid him enough attention, then maybe you could have-” Bon was cut off.

“HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SEE THESE THINGS WHEN HE WON'T EVER SHOW IT TO ANYONE?” Yukio shouted. Bon smirked. He'd taken the bait.

“Precisely.”

“What?” Yukio was just confused now.

“He won't show us anything. For some reason, he feels that he's not worthy of our help, of your help, of anyone's kindness. For some reason, he thinks he must be the ultimate evil or something, and that he deserves punishment. In his mind, he doesn't deserve us, no matter how much he wants it. Hurting him like we did probably just made him even more stubborn on that point, unfortunately. He won't show it, but he's desperate.” Bon explained. “Even if we tell him he's not a demon, and he isn't, he's not just going to believe it because there is probably something convincing him otherwise.”

“But then... If you don't think that Rin is a demon, then why were you calling him a demon earlier?” Yukio said angrily.

“Because I wanted to provoke you, get your brain thinking on the right track, and help you to get it all out. Or at least some of it. Both of you brothers are totally helpless, you know that? You both keep trying to protect each other, one with his martyr complex, and the other with his obsessive need to prove himself. If you just talk it out, you might get somewhere useful.” Bon said.

“I... I think Bon might be right, Yuki.” Shiemi commented quietly.

“You're taking his side?” Yukio glared.

Shiemi flinched. “I can only see this from the outside, and what Bon says seems to be true. Rin always tries to protect everyone, even at the cost of himself. Remember when Amaimon attacked during the camping trip? And you are always staring after him, like he's winning a race and that you need to catch up to him. You try to protect him too.”

“But I just couldn't this time.” Yukio sighed. It seemed that he'd calmed down.

“Yukio, don't get upset with what I'm going to say next.” Bon warned.

“Why?”

“Because you've just calmed down and I don't want you to work yourself up again. Believe it or not, that could be just as unhealthy as what Rin's doing.” Bon explained.

Yukio flinched, took a deep breath, and sighed. He had to listen, and he could maintain composure at least for the duration of the talk. “Okay. Let's hear it.”

Bon eyed him suspiciously, but when Yukio seemed to be staying calm, he spoke. “I highly doubt that this is the first time Rin has cut himself.”

Yukio looked like he'd been punched in the gut. “I-I had had my suspicions, but please, tell me why.” He was barely keeping himself in control.

“A person doesn't just have plans and hiding spots like this picked out. To be as good as he is at hiding it, he should have had a good amount of time to practice. To be honest, if we tried, I don't think we could find all of his instruments of self harm if we searched your room, and other places he frequents, for days. He's good at it. He knows what people will see, he knows what people will look for, and if this was his first time, then there's no doubt you would have noticed something a month ago when all of this probably started.”

Yukio had to let out the breath he'd been holding in. It made perfect sense. Rin seemed to know where he'd be, how long he'd be gone, how much time he could spend alone in any one place without being followed or checked up on. Rin knew that he'd notice him carrying bloody knives, or fooling around with scissors, paper clips, and pop tabs. He knew that there were certain objects that Yukio wouldn't suspect, and Yukio knew that he still wouldn't think of them unless Rin pulled them out and shoved the bloodied objects in his face. 

There was no way that this all started a month ago. Maybe it had died down for a bit and he'd picked that habit up again a month ago, but there was no way that this had started just then.

“You're right.” Yukio said without any emotion. “I'm a fool, and I haven't paid enough attention to my brother. He's been doing this for a long time. I just didn't notice.”

“You agree? That easily?” Bon looked skeptical, but the look on Yukio's face convinced him otherwise.

“Yes. You're right. There is absolutely no way that this past month was his first time.”

“So does that mean you have an idea about when this first time might have been? What might have caused it?” Bon asked.

“I don't know if I can pinpoint a specific time, but I might be able to guess a reason.” Yukio replied

“What is it?” Shiemi asked.

“Rin's business.” Yukio replied.

“It's all of our business now, four-eyes. If nothing else, we can at least try to prevent triggering another episode like this by knowing what's going on.” Bon insisted.

“I think it has something to do with his time in elementary school. He never had friends. Not a single one. He got mad easily, violent, and he was incredibly strong. He once destroyed an entire classroom in only a couple of minutes because a kid called him a demon...” Yukio trailed off, coming to a realization.

Bon had the same epiphany. “Because he was called a demon, treated like a demon, essentially told that he wasn't worth anything in anyone's eyes. That's almost the same as being told to just go die.” Bon said sadly.

“And I said that to him once, just after he became a demon.” Yukio reflected sadly.

“Yukio, don't go there. You do not start thinking down there.” Bon warned.

“The teachers treated him horribly, neighbours and other people around town said and did terrible things to him, all of us at the monastery even scolded him for trying to do the right thing sometimes. It didn't matter that he was trying to help people, because they all saw a violent punk with ridiculous strength, and a large capacity for destruction. If anything happened, he was blamed, eve if it wasn't his fault. If I had to take a guess, I would say that he might have started around nine or ten years old. Old enough for the words to stick and wreak havoc in his mind, young enough to be impulsive, not that he still isn't, and old enough to consider doing something about it. It didn't help that the name 'Demon' followed him everywhere. On the streets, through school, job interviews, for all I know.”

“And when we started treating him like a demon again... He just broke?” Bon finished uncertainly.

Yukio started to cry.

\---

“Maybe you don't think it's worth it, but I do. It can only hurt me because I'm the only one who might give a damn about me.” I stated in between harsh breaths.

“If that's the way you want to think, then tell me, why am I here right now if I don't give at least a little bit of a damn about you, huh? Why am I in here trying to comfort you?” Izumo asked.

“Because Yukio asked you to.” I replied. It was the only reason. Yukio is the golden child, the genius, the prodigy. People love Yukio. People will do anything for Yukio, even me.

“Or because I know what it feels like and I want to help you. Believe it or not, Yukio didn't ask me to come up here. I was exploring, saw Bon running away, and figured you could use some company. If Bon looked upset, I could only imagine how bad off you were.” She rebutted.

“But you don't know how it feels.” I said.

“I just told you my story. Is yours that much different?” Izumo asked.

“YES! YES IT IS! YOU CAN'T EVER UNDERSTAND!” I shouted, letting tears fall freely now. I knew I was crying, but whatever. It's not like anyone fucking cares. It's not like they won't mock the shit out of me later or ignore me again. They've done it before. It won't be any different from how it used to be. Life doesn't change. It only gets worse.

“Really? Then explain it to me. Try me. Make me understand. If I'm too stupid, or too ignorant, then throw the information at my head and keep pushing it in there until it sticks!” Izumo said harshly.

“And why would you want to know?”

“Because I do give a damn, whatever you think. And if you don't want to believe that, then we'll just call it a trade. My story for yours. Fair trade, equivalent exchange, one tale for another.” Izumo replied.

“Fucking logical arguments.” I mumbled. “All my life I've been called a demon. I hurt my father, destroyed school property, hurt people by accident, and all around acted like a demon. I can't even help someone properly without messing something up. I'll always be a demon in the eyes of the world.

“I got depressed. My grades fell. People started ratting on me about that too. Now I was a demon and a dunce. I knew I could do the work, I just couldn't make myself do it. I had no energy, no motivation, so I did what I could to get by.

“One day, I punched a guy hard enough to scrape my knuckles. He was beating a puppy with a stick, so I decided to beat his face. I think I was nine. Not terribly great logic. Anyways, when I saw my hand bleeding, it didn't even really hurt. It was felt kind of cool, a little calm. I could at least start thinking straight. I told the kid to run away, then took the puppy to a shelter. They assumed that I had done the damage, and screamed at me to leave. I couldn't argue. I had a reputation, and my had was bleeding.

“That's when I thought about self harming the first time. I found a sharp rock on the side of the road and dragged it across my arm. It bled and I felt calm. Since I was the cook for the monastery, I tried it again with a kitchen knife. It felt really nice. It barely hurt, and I liked the look of my blood. I figured that I deserved the name demon after that. Who enjoys the sight of blood, but a demon? Or even a vicious animal. Either way, I was no human. Just an animal or a demon.

“Soon after that, I thought about cleanup and evidence. With a kitchen knife, I could just wash the knife in the dishwater, clean the blood off my skin the same way, and roll down my sleeves to cover the wound. That wasn't hard, but the kitchen wasn't exactly private all the time. I needed to find other ways. I found razor blades, bits of plastic, mirrors, glass, rocks, scissors, pop tabs, paper clips, pins, art and craft supplies, basically anything semi-sharp or more. I could even use paper if I was desperate. The smaller the better too. It made it easier to hide. If anyone tried, I doubt they'd find all of my tools after days of searching. I have too many, and I have too many years of practice hiding them. There is no way to keep me from anything sharp. If all else fails, I still have my nails and teeth.

“That all lasted for six years. Anytime they hurt me, I'd cut. If I felt guilty about Yukio, I cut. If I wanted to, I cut. It didn't really matter where or how big.

“Then, I actually became a demon. I pulled out the sword, I was told I'd need to die or be killed, but I joined the exorcist school instead. I was a demon, and for the first time, while I was here, I was treated like a human. People liked me, I thought. I felt happy, I think. I have a hard time remembering that feeling. I didn't even really feel the need to cut during that time. Then again, I was only treated like a human because you all thought that I was a human. I'm a demon, and son of the worst of them all. And I can't get away with it because I'm not like Yukio. I'm not a prodigy, I'm not a genius, I can barely pass any of the classes! But you all treated me like I was human. Even though I was a demon, I was treated like a human, the opposite of before, a human being treated like a demon. Then when you all found out, it's not like it made me any different. I was a demon again, and that's all anyone ever sees. I'm violent, hateful, and can't be trusted not to kill everyone around me. I've worked hard, I can mostly control my flames now, and none of it makes a damn difference.

“In then end, being ignored is all I'm good for. If I'm being ignored, I might as well not exist. But suicide isn't that easy when you're a demon. The damn body heals too fast, and most of my self harm scars don't even stay because they aren't deep enough. I have no choice. I keep living this fucking hell forever, and I don't even have the option of dying. Karma, I guess. I was born bad, so I'm to be treated bad. It all makes sense, doesn't it?” I smirked. “It's just the way it is.”

I put my head back in between my knees and kept crying. Then I noticed a small warmth on my shoulder. How long had that been there? I didn't notice when it was put there. Is that Eyebrows trying to make me feel better? Or show me that we have some sort of connection or something? I don't know. All I know is that all this fucking hurts. I shouldn't have said anything. Now she can blackmail me and hurt me more. I don't know why I just said everything I did. I could have stopped after saying I was picked on a lot and that it made me feel bad. Why did I keep talking? And why does the pain feel like a dull ache now, instead of a heavy pressure? I don't know! I'm just so confused. I'm tired and my head hurts and I hate this! I can't think straight anymore and I really want to cut right now. It would straighten my head, just like it always does. But I'm not the only one in this room, and I'm really tired. I think I'm just going to sleep.

With that, I fell down against my pillow, leftover tears making a small wet patch on the cloth. If I had been awake and looked up, I might have seen a puffy-eyed Izumo put a spare blanket over me and I might have heard he whisper to me.

“Thanks for telling me. You sounded like you really needed to talk. I hope that it makes you feel better tomorrow. Sleep well, my friend.”


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Yukio choked back a few sobs before he began to speak. “Why didn't he just tell me? I wish he'd known that I-I cared about him. He-he doesn't have to be alone. I'll always be there for him, always. I need to fix this. I need him to try to trust me. I swore to our father, a long time ago, that I'd protect him when I became an exorcist. I've been an exorcist for two whole years and that hasn't fucking got me anywhere near being able to protect him!”

“Yuki! I've never heard you swear before.” Shiemi exclaimed. She was a little shocked at her friend's behaviour.

“Well, I'm frustrated! I'm tired! I'm useless! I can't even help right now! What's a fucking curse or two? It's not going to do or mean shit in the future!” Yukio yelled.

“All right, calm down Teach. You're right, you're tired. It's getting late out and we all have school tomorrow. You've got your high school advanced classes, then you've gotta deal with teaching us newbies tomorrow. It's not going to turn out so well if you don't get your sleep. Why don't you rest up. I bet you'll feel better in the morning.” Bon said, hoping to calm the irrational teenager in front of him.

“I can't just go to sleep! My brother's in this building, hurting, and I can't do anything but sit here and worry! And now you expect me to sleep?” Yukio stared at Bon accusingly.

“Yes. How can you help your brother if you're so wound up like this? Your frustration and tension is only going to make him feel worse. Just lie down and rest. When you've got some of your thinking power back, it'll be much more manageable.”

“You're saying that I can't think straight right now?”

Bon knew he had to be brutally honest. “Yes. Sleep, now. Or would you rather I knock you unconscious, y'moron!”

Yukio sighed in defeat. He knew that Bon was right. The rational part of his brain was telling him to do exactly that, but the emotional part didn't want to let him rest when he could be trying to do something. When it came down to sleep or a knock on the head, he knew he had only one choice. “Fine. Shiemi, I'll open a door for you to get back to the supply shop. Bon, please take good care of my brother. Also, let Izumo know she can take any room if she hasn't gone back yet. The dorms are a bit of a walk, and she may not want to go at night. I need to get changed, then I'll go to bed. I guess I'll see you two tomorrow morning, then.”

“Glad to hear it, Teach. I'm gonna go back to Rin. You sleep well, y'hear?” Bon said.

“Yeah, got it.”

Bon walked out of the room and Yukio took out his keys. He unlocked the door for Shiemi, and went to say his goodbyes when she suddenly wrapped her arms around his back in a strong hug.

“Please sleep well, Yuki. I know it's hard for you, but it's hard for Rin too. Remember that he's probably suffering even more right now, and that you're doing what's best. Even if you don't think so, remember that you're strong, and that you're doing everything right. Rin will come around and appreciate it all in the end. Just give it a little time. Please don't worry yourself too much. I don't want to see you end up hurting like that too.” Shiemi said. It was probably the longest speech she'd given in her life.

“Thanks, Shiemi. I may not be as strong as you think, but I greatly appreciate the sentiment. Don't worry about me. I'll just tidy up, then go to bed. I'll see you tomorrow at the cram school.” Yukio smiled.

“Okay. Good night Yuki.”

“Good night, Shiemi.”

Yukio closed the door and let the smile drop from his face. There was no point in worrying her even more. If putting up a smile is all it took to make her feel a little better, then he could do it, no problem.

He wondered if this was what Rin was thinking the whole time. If this is what he had been doing this whole time.

Yukio wandered over to the bathroom where he now kept his toiletries and shower supplies. He picked up his own razor and stared at it. He'd never actually needed it before, he was still too young, but he'd purchased it so that, when the time did come, he'd be prepared. It also made him feel just a little more mature.

He considered what might have been going through Rin's mind every time that he cut. Did he feel hopeless? Worthless? Like he couldn't do anything right? That no one trusted him? That he needed to do something, anything, to make himself feel slightly accomplished? Did he need to prove that he was still the same as everyone else? Did Rin feel just like how he feels right now? Unable to help, or do anything for fear of making the situation even worse?

Yukio placed the blade against the inside of his left forearm. He pressed in and slid it sideways. To his surprise, though it really shouldn't have been, it stung. He felt like it should have felt good, or refreshing, or maybe not like anything at all, but it hurt! Why would Rin do this if it hurt!

All he had to show for it was a very shallow pink line on his arm, only one bead of blood barely swelling up on it. How did Rin do it? His brother had made small streams so easily, and he could only make a tiny bead. It hurt, but only did that tiny amount of damage? What was going through Rin's mind? Why did he do it? It didn't make Yukio feel better at all, he only felt worse.

Yukio put a band-aid over top of the nick before changing and going to bed. He could still feel the sting of the new cut on his arm as he hoped that his thoughts wouldn't prevent him from getting too little sleep.

\---

As Bon approached room 602, he heard muffled talking noises. It sounded like Rin. He hoped that Izumo hadn't picked a fight with him or something. It would be just like her to start something unnecessary like that. Even at a time like this.

As he got closer, he could actually hear the words. It wasn't shouting, but it also wasn't quite mumbling either. Just quiet, and fairly calm, talking.

“-suicide isn't that easy when you're a demon. The damn body heals too fast, and most of my self harm scars don't even stay because they aren't deep enough. I have no choice. I keep living this fucking hell forever, and I don't even have the option of dying. Karma, I guess. I was born bad, so I'm to be treated bad. It all makes sense, doesn't it? It's just the way it is.”

Bon instantly felt guilty, remembering what they'd done to him. He'd have to talk some sense into the idiot tomorrow morning. There was some shuffling from the other side of the door, and he heard a little bit of walking. It sounded light, so he assumed that it was Izumo. He heard her whisper something, then walk across the room again. Bon took this opportunity to see if he could go back inside. He shouldn't make the girl stay any longer than she has to, especially when she didn't really care that much in the first place. He knocked lightly on the door, waited a few seconds, then opened it slowly and walked inside.

“Hey, I was-” He was cut off by a glare from Izumo, who held a finger to her lips, then pointed at Rin's sleeping figure.

“Oh, sorry.” He whispered, and looked towards the floor. “I was just coming back to tell you that I can take over the watch. You know, since I kind of moved in here and all. And Yukio told me to tell you that if it's too late for you to walk home, you can use any room you like in the dormitory. If you want to walk back instead, then I guess that's your choice.” He then looked up to see her face. “Hey, what happened to your eyes? Did Okumura say something to you?” Then he looked around and spotted the fallen blade on the floor. Rin had forgotten to put it away. “And what about-”

“Let's go outside.” Izumo whispered harshly. She grabbed Bon's arm and dragged him out the door. She didn't let him go until they were a few rooms away, far enough to speak without being accidentally overheard, or accidentally loud enough to wake Rin.

“If you really wanna know, yes, Rin did say something. And before you get all up in his face about it, no, it wasn't mean or harsh or cruel or anything. I was crying because it was really sad, that's all. I cried because it hurt, and you could hear how much it hurt him. Also, before you ask, there is no way in hell I'd ever repeat a word of it to you or anyone else without his consent. You've gotta get him to trust you on your own. It's not too tough, you know? Just listen to him.” Izumo stated, a little harshly.

“Wait, what? He actually broke down and confessed to you? To you of all people? After you said that you didn't care?” Bon asked with disbelief.

“What exactly do you mean by 'me of all people?'” Izumo asked, glaring at him.

“Well, you aren't exactly the compassionate or motherly type. Most of the time you're just so cold. You treat everyone like they cant' touch you or anything. You keep everyone away except Paku. I don't understand why he'd open up to-to that.” Bon stated.

“Well, it looks like you're finally starting to learn.” Izumo smirked.

“Learn? Learn what?” Bon asked. Could girls be any more vague and confusing?

“That you don't understand. Just accept that, and listen, and maybe you'll get somewhere. I can't say for him, but if I was in his shoes, that's probably all it would take.” Izumo said.

“Yeah, because you have so much experience.” Bon said sarcastically.

Izumo glared and looked like she was about to shout at him, but calmed herself down. It didn't go unnoticed by Bon. “You're right. I'm just speaking figuratively, I guess.” she said in a dull, flat voice. “But remember that I'm the only one he's opened up to at all!” she almost shouted at him.

“Okay, okay” Bon put up his hands in defense. “I didn't know the whole story before I said that, and that wasn't fair. I'm sorry.”

“What whole story?” Izumo eyed him suspiciously.

“Nothing. You don't have to say. And why was there a razor blade on the floor near his bed? It had a little blood on it. Did you let him cut himself too?” Bon changed the subject.

“No, he didn't do anything while I was there. When I walked in, he tried to hide it and just grabbed it up without thinking. He nicked his palm. Then I told him to clean up and put it away. We started talking, and I guess he got distracted and let it fall to the floor. We'd just finished when you walked in.” Izumo explained.

“Okay. So I should probably chuck the thing when I get back to the room. I don't want him using anything at all to hurt himself like that. One less tool will just make it at least a little bit harder for him.” Bon said.

“Wrong. That won't help at all, trust me. You'll only make your relationship, and this situation, worse if you do that. To help him, he's gotta throw it away on his own.” she said.

“And you're the expert now?” Bon asked.

“I got him to trust me.” she replied.

“And what does this have to do with anything?” he fired back.

“Because he told you, and all of us, that he only had one condition. Don't make him stop. Throwing it away is the same as telling him to stop. Actions can speak for words. If you toss it, it's like saying you don't trust him to be responsible, whether it's responsible to not kill himself, to not cut, or to toss it, it doesn't matter. I say you should just pick it up, wipe it off if you feel like it, and leave it on his desk. He'll find it, he'll know you've seen it, and he'll know that you know what he wants to do. You can't stop him anyways, and knowing what he's doing, and trusting him with his tool, might just help him to trust you a little too. It shows that you respect his decisions, even if you don't like them. You can at least understand that he does what he does because he feels that he needs to. Trust and respect are mutual. Since you're the one asking for it, you're the one who has to give it first.” she explained.

“You know, it really does sound like you're speaking from personal experience.” Bon said, looking towards her with a concerned gaze.

“As if. Do I look like that type of person to you?” Izumo asked.

“Yeah, kinda. Most people put up a tough front because they've got something painful to hide. Just like what you're doing right now.” he stated.

“Yeah? What about you then? You speaking from personal experience too?” Izumo scoffed.

“Actually, yeah, I am. That's how I know.” he said.

“Then you know how I know too. Don't spread it around. And I'm walking back. See you tomorrow in class.” she said as she turned on her heel and walked towards the front entrance to the dormitory.

All Bon could think was 'wow.' He didn't think that she'd actually admit to something like that. She wears short sleeves and skirts all the time, so she's not a cutter, but how could she understand what Okumura feels if she isn't? He could understand her tough front, because he does it too, but he couldn't figure out why should could understand Okumura. How would she know what the right actions were if she hadn't been there herself? Or maybe one of her friends? But that just leaves Paku, and there's not way Paku could do that. So what happened to that girl...?

Bon pondered all of this while he walked back to what was previously the twins' room. He knew that he wouldn't find out today, or tomorrow, or possibly ever. It was easy to accept that. Izumo just wasn't the type to talk about such things.

If that was so easy to accept, then why can't he accept that Rin will probably not say anything either? He doesn't talk about these things either, he just acts all outgoing and all that to make it look like he does. Maybe that makes it harder? But Bon knew that he had to accept the fact that he probably wouldn't get anything anytime soon. If he did, maybe it would help Okumura, just a little. If that's all it took, then that's something he could do. Just follow Izumo's advice. Shut up, and listen. Give him trust first, so he can later get trust back.

Bon picked up the fallen blade, wiped it with a tissue, then placed it on Rin's desk. He figured the sleeping teen could figure out what to do with it in the morning. Until then, he had to sleep too. Bon changed, set his alarm clock, and went to bed. Tomorrow would be a real trial. Today was Day 0, tomorrow would be Day 1. The first day with Rin's secret out in the open to all of them.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Oh crap! I forgot to make lunches for Yukio and me last night! Crap crap crapcrapcrapshit. What time is it? Good, it's only about 4:30. I still have plenty of time to prepare a couple of bentos. I'd better get going and do that.

I got up quickly and made my way to the kitchen. Luckily enough, the fridge still had the extra ingredients, as well as some extra pre-prepared rice I'd made just in case something like this ever happened. Who says I don't use my head? I can think far enough ahead to know that I'll forget this stuff sometimes. And if I go the week without forgetting, then I can sleep in a little bit on Fridays. Don't want all that going bad just because I have a good memory. Now lets see, what do I want to eat today? Hmm...

Oh yeah, Bon is staying here too. Does that mean I should make him lunch too? I guess so, it'd be a nice thing to do. He's a scholarship student just like Yukio, so I guess he doesn't have the money to buy something from Mephisto's cafeteria of instant debt. Maybe if I make him a decent lunch, he'll start to learn that I'm a person, just like he is. Maybe then, he might acknowledge me, he might notice that I exist and might even be worth a grunt or a nod or something? Maybe. I can always hope, right? Hope that maybe I can be seen in a way that doesn't involve harsh stares and glares, insults and condescending behaviour. Just because I'm part demon, it doesn't mean that I'm not part human too.

Or maybe it does. Maybe the demon part just destroyed what was human about me to begin with, although I don't suppose that there would have been too much to destroy. Even as a child, people knew that I was a demon. I've always been a demon, and now I've got the power to prove it. I really hate myself...

I want to cut. Really, really bad. Right now.

And look at my hand. It's got a nice big knife in it. I know I usually avoid kitchen utensils, but no one's gonna bother me here at 4:30am. Bon's asleep, and Yukio's asleep on the other side of the dorm. I should really take advantage of this opportunity. I can't believe they haven't hidden or locked up the kitchen knives yet. Maybe they just forgot? In any case, I bet this thing could do a lot of damage.

Just one more look around to make sure that I'm alone... Good. I don't hear anyone either. Just lower my pants a little – I guess I forgot to change into pyjamas last night – and move my boxers over a little, and a perfect patch of skin to mark. I just have to press and slice, just like cutting up meat on a cutting board.

Well, a body, whether it be human, demon, or animal, is just meat after all. Is it sick to think of it like that? I can butcher myself the same way that I butcher the meat that I put in our lunches. That thought makes me smile a little. Maybe I am just a bit sick in the head. Demon sandwich, demon sushi, demon stir-fry. Maybe it doesn't sound so appetizing, but neither does cow sandwich, fish sushi, and pig stir-fry. Well, maybe fish sushi sounds okay, but that's an exception. Even after it's been turned into food, fish is still called fish, like chicken is still called chicken.

Why did I get so distracted? They could wake up any time! And Kuro could wander across me by accident! Why haven't I thought of Kuro before? He surely smelled the blood on me all this past month. Maybe he doesn't really care about me either? Or was he trying to be respectful? No, he probably hates me just like the rest of them. Not because I'm a demon, but because I killed dad. I killed his master, and he really loved dad a lot. It's all my fault. Completely my fault. I just have to...

A few slices later, I can breathe. I hadn't even noticed that the air had become too thick to swallow. I didn't feel that pressure until after its release just now. But now I just feel so light. Sure, I'm bleeding and the blood is staining my boxers and pants, but I just can't bring myself to care right now. I'm so disconnected, so different, it hardly feels real. I barely feel the cuts, though I know that they're pretty deep. I guess they'll probably scar. I am kind of a chef. I know how to slice meat properly. Of course I'll always do a first-rate job. It's no good if I don't.

Why can't I feel anything? I don't know. I don't know if I care. I don't know if it really matters, to be honest. I don't care. That doesn't matter. I just need to make lunches. Three full bentos. One for Yukio, one for Bon, and one for me. Three lunches. I'm glad I have lots of extra rice.

\---

After making the food, I just went back to bed, only to be woken by a hand roughly shaking my shoulder. At least I'd remembered to change my clothes. There wouldn't be any blood for Bon to see this time. But I felt really groggy. I didn't want him bothering me this early in the morning.

“Get up, ya lazy ass! It's almost 8:30! Class starts in just over half an hour! Even if you don't care about high school, you've still gotta go. Wake up, you moron!” 

“Sleep. Tired. Lunchfridge. Mmmmm.” I moaned, and fell back into my pillow.

“What the heck are you mumbling, get up, or I'm pulling you up.” Bon threatened. I didn't think he was serious until I felt him grab my arms and pull me out of my bed and onto the floor. Damn, the floor's cold.

“You suck. Go to hell. I hope they condemn you to an eternity of insomnia on an iceberg, because that's just what this feels like.” I muttered. I don't know if he heard me or not. I know it wasn't really that bad, but I didn't want to think that much this early in the morning.

“Well, get ready. It's a decent walk to the school, and we've gotta get going in like, the next ten minutes or we're going to be late! Hurry up!” Bon said, a little anxiously. Did he really get nervous just at the thought of being late?

Or maybe it's the stress of dealing with me. I sighed. Of course, I'm always the problem. Always have been, always will be.

At least my bag was already prepared. I didn't unpack it, so it should be good. I rarely do homework anyways, so incomplete work shouldn't be any more of a problem than normal. Just uniform and lunch. I guess I could do that much.

I changed into my spare uniform since the usual one kind of has blood stains on it, then made my way to the kitchen. I don't need breakfast. I'm not all that hungry right now anyways. I just need to get the lunches so that we can leave, and so that Bon might be able to calm down.

After retrieving the lunches, I went back to the room, and gave Bon his box. He seemed a little surprised.

“I forgot to make it last night, so I got up early to prepare lunches for Yukio and me. I figured that, since you're staying with us, I should make you one too. Don't worry, it's not poisoned or anything. I don't keep stuff like that in the kitchen. It would make the food taste bad.” I explained. Maybe I was talking a little more than I should, but it felt kind of nice just to say something to another person, even if it's just meaningless crap like how or when I made a lunchbox.

“Uh, thanks. I didn't expect this. That's pretty nice. Thanks, Okumura.” He said.

“No problem. Preparing three is hardly different from preparing two.” I said, then walked over to my desk where I'd left my bag. I put my lunch inside, and did up the zippers, then I noticed what was sitting on top of my desk. My razor. Clean. Not where it's supposed to be. Did Bon notice it? I hope not. He'll probably just take it if he did, but then why is it clean? Why is it not where I put it? Where did I put it yesterday? I grabbed it, it cut me, Izumo told me to put it away, then we talked and... I guess I dropped it. It was on the floor and then he must have seen it and...

“Did you-?” I was about to ask.

“Yeah. I cleaned it and put it there. It's yours, so you should decide what to do with it. I'm not big on stealing or damaging other people's stuff.” he replied. I guess he noticed me noticing it and inferred what I was going to ask.

“Uh, thanks., I guess. I'll have to put it away later then.” I said to the floor. I felt so bad. Guilt just wormed it's way into my stomach. It crawled through my intestines, went through my stomach, and landed itself in my throat. I felt like puking. He actually didn't chuck it even though he knows what I use it for?

I know that he knows what I want to do, so why is it still here? Is he trying to listen to what I said? Is he trying to show me he trusts me or something? I don't know what to think. Is he just trying to lull me into some sort of false sense of security? Or maybe he's learning? No, he's not that smart. He's just a stupid rooster. He doesn't get it, and he won't ever try. I know it.

But Izumo did.

Well, she's different. She's on my level, or at least, she was. She gets it. It's not the same, but she gets it. He never will.

But would it kill me to try to let him see a little?

In short, yes. Yes it would. I'd rather die than let him see even a little of the reasons why I do what I do. Whatever I do is none of his business, and I'm not his problem. He doesn't care anyways, so why should I give a damn. But if he's really trying to be nice... I don't know what to think, and that makes me feel sick.

“Okumura? You okay? Rin? Oi, you hear me in there?” Bon was waving his hand in front of my face like he was trying to get my attention. Did I really space out that much? I guess so.

“What is it?” I said, looking up towards him. I couldn't quite make myself look at his face.

“You look pretty pale. You feeling okay? If you want, we can just take the day off, I mean, you kinda look like crap right now.” he said.

No matter how badly I might want to stay, I can't. It would mean one-on-one time with him, and I really don't want to deal with that. It's either talk, or fake sleep, where I will be left all alone at the mercy of my brain. Just thinking can sometimes be a torture. Thinking. It's a dangerous pasttime.

“Nah, I'm fine. Let's just go.” I said, looking back at the floor. I led him out. No need to lock the door, it's just the three of us here.

“Bullshit.” I heard him mutter to himself, but he got up and followed me anyways. I guess he really is trying to play by my rules, at least for now. A little hope starts to unfold inside my guts, but it's quickly replaced by that sick feeling. Guilt and confusion, swirling around and wreaking havoc on my organs, messing up my system.

“See you in cram school. I hope you like the lunch.” I said as we split up.

“Yeah, see ya. And thanks again, by the way.” he replied.

My stomach just hurt more. It had been so long since anyone had acknowledged me kindly, much less said thanks for something. I want to feel good about it, I really want to! But I can't. It just hurts, knowing that it won't last. He probably doesn't even mean it. I want to believe what I hear, but I can't.

I send a bit of my flames to the pointer finger on my right hand. The nail immediately grows long and sharp. I draw a shallow line all the way along the top of my left arm, elbow to hand. Beads swell up all along the arm, but I don't have to worry. It'll heal up in less than an hour. Our jackets are black, so I don't have to worry about people seeing a stain. And now I can think. I can hardly feel anything, but that's okay. I like it this way. If I don't feel, then I'm not distracted. I don't need to worry, because I can't. I just have to go to class, pretend that I'm normal, and hope that no one tries to talk to me. I just want to be alone.

Only six hours until cram school. Six hours to dread, and six hours to get myself to feel as shitty as possible. They all know. This is really going to suck. Just great. Six hours. The countdown has begun, and I wish that time would start moving just a little bit slower.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

I'm in luck. It was all independent work in each and every one of my classes today. The sun is out, so I was able eat lunch wherever I felt like on campus, and was able to find a great spot to avoid anyone I wished to avoid, and no one had bothered to try to talk to me. This is great. I was completely and totally in my comfort zone. Nothing could go wrong.

So then why is it that I feel so lonely? Why do I want to tear my body to shreds just to make the feeling go away? I guess those questions are ones that I'll have to find answers to someday. On my own. Just like always. The only way that I know how.

At least I know that I won't be bothering others if I'm on my own. I won't drag them down with me, and I won't be able to hurt them. They'll be safe from me. More importantly, I'll be safe from them. There's no telling when any one of them could suddenly turn and start screaming “Demon!” at me. Then I'll hurt, I'll cut, and I'll continue with my life, knowing that one more person hates me for something beyond my control. However, it is my body, so I should be able to control it, right? My body should reflect me, right? Then I'm a demon, through and through. And that won't ever change.

All I can do is hurt people and depress myself. Nothing productive. I don't have any skills, just dumb luck. And that's not even consistent enough to count for anything. I'm just a loser. A demon, a freak, and a loser. And that will never change.

To survive for now, I've just gotta mindlessly take notes. Write it down, don't pay attention, maybe read it later, probably lose it before I read it, get a crappy mark, that's the way it goes. I don't give a damn about high school. The bell will ring any minute and th-

RING!!!

Time for the cram school.

Crap. 

I'd totally forgotten that Bon and Yukio and all the others are going to be there. And they'll see me. And we'll be in in class together. And this time, they'll all know.

Shit. Fuck. Damnit!

The knot in my stomach a lot larger very quickly. I want to run, to scream, to flee. But I can't. I know that I need to go to become an exorcist. I still want to kick the shit out of Satan, so I need to learn how to do it properly. I know I'm gonna need a little more than dumb luck to kick Satan's ass, so why can't I stop feeling so fucking afraid of going to class?

I'm pathetic, I know. I just clenched my fists, and made my way to the door that I usually use to get to the cram school. I just turn the key in the door, and now all I have to do it push... it... open...? Damn it! Onetwothreepush! And then into the room. Into the room where they're all going to stare at me, maybe pity, maybe hate, and they'll think about it. They'll all know. Every single one of them. But... Takara wasn't there. Neither was Shura. I really hope I have private lessons today.

Now I've gotta calm down. No hyperventilating, no tension, just act calm, act happy. It doesn't matter what I feel, they don't care, just show them all what they want to see and they'll look over it like nothing's wrong, just like always. Everything will go back to normal. I can deal with normal. Okay. I can do this.

I walked into the room, standing straight, and keeping my eyes off the floor... as best as I could. I didn't stare at my feet, just a few feet ahead of them. Quietly, I walked to my desk and sat down next to Shiemi. I had to do this just like normal. Nothing was different. It was all the same as it always has been. Except now they know...

“Hello Rin!” said Shiemi. She looked happy to see me for some reason. “How are you doing today?”

“Hi... Shiemi. I'm fine, I guess. How are you doing?” I asked. Be polite. Be nice. She can't have anything against me if I'm being nice, right?

“That's great to hear.” she said. Then we just sat next to each other in an awkward silence. I could feel the brief stares on my back from the Kyoto group and from Izumo. They didn't last long, and they didn't all do it at once, but I could tell that they were staring, watching.

After only a couple of minutes, Yukio walked into the room. He looked around at us, and dropped his teaching materials on the floor. At least there wasn't any rotten animal blood this time, just papers. He isn't usually this clumsy. I wonder what happened? Maybe it was just a moment of clumsiness? Nah, Yukio is never clumsy. Maybe he's just tired or something. And there's something that smells a little off about him... Off, but it's so familiar...

“Okumura-kun.” Yukio stated.

“Y-Yes Yukio-sensei.” I said. Damn. I screwed up.

“You'll be having special lessons with Miss Kirigakure today. She said that she'll meet you at your usual training spot.” he said. He still sounded cold, but his eyes looked hurt.

“Thank you, teacher.” I bowed and headed out. Yes! Private training. This means one more day where I don't have to face them. Whoever says that procrastination is a bad thing, I say it's a good thing. It's comfortable, and I rather like it.

I wandered over to the target practice/baseball cage room. I dunno what it's supposed to be called, but it's the place we do the training most often. I see Shura there, and she's already set up several sets of candles. She still has that giant bagful of them too. Does that thing ever run out of candles? Or is it like and infinite supply bag? I thought exorcists couldn't do magic though...

Stop. Being. Distracted! I need to sit down and focus and just get this training done.

No words were needed, no instructions. I just sat down in front of the first set like I was meditating of something. Now I'll focus on the candles. Focus on the candles, and now let them burn.

All three burst into foot-and-a-half high blue flames. I jumped. Fuck. I forgot that I can't just think of candles and burning. That lights all three with whatever amount of fire I'm commanding. Shit. I learned how to stop doing that the first day. What's wrong with me?

“Oi, Rin. Focus. Don't tell me ya forgot everything ya've learned so far. I know yer a moron sometimes, but ya never work backwards like this.” Shura commented.

“I know. I just lost my focus. I'll try again.”

“Ya better. How else are ya gonna master yer flames?”

I turned to the next set. Okay left and right candles. One inch tall flames. Burn.

And now the bases of the outside candles are melting. I can't get this!

The third set. Left and right candles. One inch flames. A little higher. Burn.

And nothing happened. Why wasn't anything happening? I stared at the candles. They didn't seem to be doing anything at all. I leaned in a little to see if I could spot something wrong, and suddenly my face felt like it was burning. I screamed.

“Oi, Rin. Stop screaming.” Shura threw a bucket of cold water in my face, then helped me remove the stuff that was burning my face. It was just candle wax. What the hell...

“I've never seen ya do that one before. Here, place these wet cloths on yer face until the burning starts to go away. Dip them in this bucket if they start to go dry. I can't believe ya made the candles explode!” She seemed far too amused, but I did fail. She has a right to laugh at me.

“Sorry...” I apologized. I wanted to cry. Nothing that I tried had worked. It probably wasn't going to, ever. I'm not that smart. I'm not that powerful. I can't just make those flames obey me. I'm not nearly strong enough, smart enough, good enough...

“Hey, don't worry too much. Just try again when yer ready, okay?” Shura is being way too nice right now. I looked up at her, my eyes (hopefully) questioning her.

“Ya look like shit. It's no wonder ya can't concentrate, ya dumbass. Why didn't ya just stay home today?” she asked. Is she really concerned? Maybe. She doesn't know yet, so maybe it is genuine concern...? I feel a slight hope fill my chest, and a smile traces my lips.

“I'm okay. Just tired, you know? Yukio's a slave driver with that homework.” I closed my eyes and let out a chuckle, allowing a grin to appear on my face. Let her think everything's still normal. She doesn't need to know.

Just then, I heard a couple of footsteps and felt a hand press down on my hair. “Ya know, it's okay to admit yer hurting. Don't give into it though, that's the stuff that demons feed on, and I know yer better than that. But, if ya ever need to vent, ya've got a lot of good people who're gonna help. Me too, ya know.” The hand ruffled my hair a bit. I felt a sharp sting through my chest. I don't even remember the last time someone gave me some sort of comforting gesture like that. “If ya can't focus 'cause ya've got something on yer mind, just let it out. Ya won't get any better otherwise.” she said.

“Thanks Shura, but I'm fine, really.” I smiled. This time, it almost felt real.

“Don't give me that crap. I know yer not fine. Don't lie about it. If ya don't wanna talk or don't wanna tell me, that's fine. No more lying though, got it?” Shura said, staring intently at me.

“Yeah, got it. Just have a lot on my mind is all. I think I need a small break. I'll be back in ten, and finish training.” I said. I stood up, stretched, and left the room. A few laps of the hallways will hopefully be enough to clear my head a little bit.

“I hope that's all...” I heard Shura mutter to herself just before I shut the door.

\---

Cram school was due to start in five minutes or so. All of the members filed in and took their seats like normal, even Rin, surprising most of the students. Izumo, Konekomaru, and Shima had thought that he wouldn't show up today because of what had happened yesterday. After he had walked in, acting like he normally did, he sat down, like he normally did, and talk to Shiemi, like he normally did. Konekomaru and Shima couldn't figure out why he was acting like nothing had happened.

Izumo knew what was going on. She stared at his back and watched him put up his charade. She knew all about what that felt like. She knew that it hurt, she knew that it was probably tearing him up inside, it being anxiety. She knew that he'd be afraid of them. More so now than before, if he was afraid of them before. Now that they had information that he didn't want them to know, they could be more of a threat, even if they all knew that they weren't going to hurt him in any way. It was a basic human fear, really. It's a fear that all humans share. The fear of the unknown. He had no way of knowing what they were going to do with that information, and that scared him. He's scared, so he's acting in the only way that he knows how to in this situation, act like he always has. If he acts the same, then maybe we'll act the same too. It's sad, but if that's the way he's going to play it out, then that's what they'd have to go along with.

Konekomaru took a glance at him. He was scared that Okumura was in class. He figured that yesterday's incident would cause weird emotional instabilities in Okumura, and cause him to go off on all of them at the wrong moment. He was scared for all of his friends and classmates. He really didn't want Okumura here, but he had no choice. He just hoped that since Okumura was acting fairly normal, that the rest of the day would go by normally too. It wasn't that he didn't feel bad for what Okumura had gone through, or maybe was going through? It wasn't that, but he felt more concern for those he was close with than someone that he didn't really know at all. Especially now that he knew that he didn't know anything about the mystery of Okumura.

Shima looked over, and he felt kinda sad. Why was Okumura still lying to them? They all knew, so what was there to hide? Was it pride or something stupid like that? Doesn't he know that it's okay to just let down his guard, let it out, then laugh it off later? Maybe he doesn't. Maybe that's what we've done to him, beyond just causing him grief. Maybe they'd all hurt him so badly that he couldn't trust them enough to let them know when he was having a really rough day. It really was sad, now that he thought about it.

Takara played with his puppet, like he normally did.

Bon stared long and hard at his new temporary roommate. He had looked like shit this morning and he still looked like shit. Although, Bon wasn't sure if anyone else had noticed it, though. He knew that Okumura could hide his feelings and act okay so that none of them would notice unless they knew what they were looking for. That's why he could see it. Izumo too, he suspected, but he also knew that they couldn't do anything. Not while Okumura hid himself away from them. Yeah, they're all friends with him, but he doesn't think that way for some reason. Well, for a good reason. Just because they all wanted to help doesn't mean that Okumura will accept it, or even let them if they show too much effort. It's a tough situation all around. They couldn't do anything, Okumura wouldn't get better, get over it, and he wouldn't come to them for help. Friends help each other out, god damn it! That stupid moron...

Shiemi was just worried. She knew that Rin was upset. She knew that he was uncomfortable. The awkward silence only made her feel more awkward as well. She was never good at these types of things to begin with, but this just made it harder. She didn't know how to talk to Rin anymore because he just seemed so different from his usual self. Sure, he tried to act the same, but she knew that it was forced. Rin just wasn't acting like Rin anymore, and she missed him.

Yukio soon walked into the room and dropped the materials that he was carrying. He quickly gathered them up and made his way to the front of the room to the teacher's desk.

“Okumura-kun.” Yukio stated.

“Y-Yes Yukio-sensei.” Rin said.

“You'll be having special lessons with Miss Kirigakure today. She said that she'll meet you at your usual training spot.” Yukio said.

“Thank you, teacher.” Rin bowed and walked out.

After Rin had left, Yukio let out a big sigh.

“I'm sorry class, I've been very stressed as of late, and as such, have no new material prepared for today. However, most of you do need to brush up on the names of herbs and plants used in the treatment of demon-inflicted wounds. Today we will be having a review session so that you can master-” Yukio was cut off by a hand slamming on the desk.

“This is bullshit, teach. We're all in the same boat here. I know that he's your brother and all, but don't give us some lameass excuses like this. It's not fair to anyone involved. There is someone in this class who's hurting worse than all of us, and we aren't even paying attention to that. If he can suck it up, so can we. So come on, teach. Give us a real lesson.” Bon stated angrily. He still felt that Yukio was being dense and self-centered. Well, he had acted similarly until he'd talked to Izumo, but he wasn't doing that anymore. Why couldn't anyone just listen to what Rin was saying?

“He's telling us everything that we need to know, we just need to listen. Maybe you can think about that after class, though?” Izumo commented. She needed to be a mediator. Normally, she wouldn't care, but if this got out of hand, it'd involve her anyways. She figured that she might as well try to calm it before it escalated.

“You're right. I apologize.” Yukio said. The young exorcist briefly stared at his left arm before looking back up to the front and continuing with his lecture. “Last class we had covered...”

Yukio's tongue was moving, his mouth was forming words, but his mind was far off, completely elsewhere, and not caring about what he was doing. He didn't catch himself spilling a tear as his back was turned to the class while he drew the notes on the board. He also didn't notice the white dog that walked past the classroom as he was teaching his lesson.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

“Today is a perfectly ordinary day in the fabulous country of Japan. Nothing unusual is happening, and everyday life for all, common people and exorcists, is running perfectly and smoothly, just how it should. Ah, what a wonderful day this is. For all this wonder, though, I can't help but fell a little bit bored with it all. What do you think Amaimon?” Mephisto ranted.

Amaimon, in his hamster form, just squeaked happily. He found Mephisto's hat to be a fine playground, so long as he was trapped as a rodent. And, as a rodent, he didn't really care about how the humans were doing. As a demon, he didn't really care either. There wasn't much difference.

“Right you are!” Mephisto exclaimed, as if Amaimon had answered an affirmative. “Today needs a little bit of excitement. Why don't you and I go have a look around and see what we can mess with, hm? Of course, you aren't allowed to go off and destroy my property this time. And don't do anything that could get the humans to kill each other.”

As a rodent, Amaimon felt that the lecture was unnecessary. It wasn't as if he could do anything, anyways.

“Ein, zwei, drei-” _Poof!_ “You know, I almost enjoy taking this form. It makes walking around seem like so much fun! It's more enjoyable, and I can go unnoticed so easily. Oh, but the school day has just finished. That means that the only place I can go for some fun is the cram school. Now Amaimon, don't go attacking Okumura, this is class time, and you aren't even supposed to be here in Assiah anyways. At least, as far as the exorcists know...” Mephisto laughed a little in anticipation. He was very much looking forward to his walk around the cram school. He hoped to be able to find someone to mess with. Humans are the most amusing playthings, after all.

He decided to first take a peek in the Anti-demon Pharmaceuticals class. Their very special youngest exorcist was teaching the class, and he is always a fun subject to tease and play with. He took a glance into the classroom and found himself a very interesting sight. There he was, the supposed cold person that he is, letting a tear fall as he writes on the board. Well now, that's definitely something that he could make use of. Crying and, what is that, he smells a little bit off. The younger Okumura is starting to smell a little bit like his older brother, or at least, how his older brother has smelled recently. Now just what could be going on? Mephisto smiled knowingly. This looks to be a very promising trip.

He wandered over towards the exorcist training area. He knew the older of the Okumura twins would be there, since he wasn't in class, and he's always an amusing subject. Really, he always says the funniest things, and it's just too easy to toy with his mind. Not to the point of being able to posses him, but it's fun just to watch his confusion. It's quite hilarious to watch.

Just as he was rounding a corner, Mephisto walked in to something. Something thin, tall and round. He let out a “Hmph” as he was knocked over by the larger object. He looked up to see that the object he had walked into was none other than the student he was looking for. Rin Okumura.

“Oh, sorry Mephisto. I wasn't looking where I was going.” Rin apologized, then he began to walk away.

“Oh? Yes. I'm sure you're very sorry.” Mephisto paused and let Rin take a few more steps. “Just why aren't you in class?”

Rin froze, then turned to speak to the demon. “I'm training with Shura today. I'm trying to master my flames so the Vatican won't kill me in six months.”

“Oh? You _are_ now. Then why is it that you aren't in the training room, lighting your candles, hmm?” Mephisto asked.

“I just needed to clear my head.” Rin replied.

“Oh, I see. That could be a problem, trying to use your powers while your mind is all fogged up by those simple human emotions of yours. Somehow, walking around helps your mind?” Mephisto asked, trying to bait the boy.

“Yeah, moving takes my mind off of stuff.” Rin answered.

“Stuff? Like what? Like your brother? Didn't you notice?” Mephisto asked. Rin's shoulders tensed.

“That he smells different? It's barely there. Nothing to worry about.” Rin replied. His shoulders relaxed again.

“I would say that it's nothing that you should worry about, but he's starting to smell just a teensy weensy little tiny bit like you, my boy. Is that something you should just dismiss so easily?” Mephisto purposely omitted that the smell only reminded him of Rin's recent odour.

“There's no _way_ that Yukio's becoming a demon! He'd tell me! I'm his brother, and he'd trust me with information like that!” Rin shouted.

“Oh? Who said that he was turning into a demon? I just said that he's starting to smell a little bit like you. Just one small smell on top on his usual smell, just like you. The difference between you two is, that the smell attached to you is a lot stronger.” Mephisto replied ambiguously.

“I told you that Yukio is _not_ becoming a demon. He would tell me.” Rin said, angry now.

“Just like you told him? Think about it, my dear boy.” Mephisto said before walking away.

“Tell me what you mean, Mephisto!” Rin yelled.

“Ein, zwei, drei-” _Poof!_ “Taataa, now!” Mephisto winked as he pulled a key out of his white coat, and left the confused young exwire behind. That certainly was an amusing trip. He'll have to bother his young teacher soon, the next time he gets bored. It's funny, really. The only big question left, is why do the two brothers both smell like blood?

\---

At least Shura isn't asking about it. She's not prying, she's trying to be respectful, and you know, that actually feels kind of nice. Knowing that someone is willing to respect my business. I thought she'd be a lot worse, pushy, or something. I'm glad to know that she can be nice like that, but if she really knew, I don't know what her reaction would be.

I'm just glad that there's one person that I don't need to tell. She never has to find out. It'll be better that way.

“Hmph!”

Did I just walk into something? Oh, crap! It's Mephisto! Shit! “Oh, sorry Mephisto. I wasn't looking where I was going.” I apologized. I went to walk away, but Mephisto started speaking.

“Oh? Yes. I'm sure you're very sorry.” Mephisto paused and let me take a few more steps. “Just why aren't you in class?”

I froze. At least I don't have to lie about anything. I turned to speak to him. It's always polite to look at the person you're talking to. “I'm training with Shura today. I'm trying to master my flames so the Vatican won't kill me in six months.”

“Oh? You _are_ now. Then why is it that you aren't in the training room, lighting your candles, hmm?” Mephisto asked.

“I just needed to clear my head.” I replied. That's none of his business.

“Oh, I see. That could be a problem, trying to use your powers while your mind is all fogged up by those simple human emotions of yours. Somehow, walking around helps your mind?” Mephisto asked. What the hell does he mean by “silly human emotions?” I mean, I've wished before that I didn't have to feel them, but it's not like I can help it.

“Yeah, moving takes my mind off of stuff.” I answered. It's definitely none of his business.

“Stuff? Like what? Like your brother? Didn't you notice?” Mephisto asked. I felt my shoulders tense. I did notice that he smelled different today, but I can't quite place it. It's a familiar smell, though.

“That he smells different? It's barely there. Nothing to worry about.” I replied. My shoulders relaxed again. If it was something important, Yukio would have told me. I'm his big brother, after all.

“I would say that it's nothing that you should worry about, but he's starting to smell just a teensy weensy little tiny bit like you, my boy. Is that something you should just dismiss so easily?” Mephisto said. There's no way. Yukio can't be a demon. He didn't inherit the flames. That should be my burden, and only mine! Yukio's the good one.

“There's no _way_ that Yukio's becoming a demon! He'd tell me! I'm his brother, and he'd trust me with information like that!” I shouted. That had to be a lie. Yukio is far too good a person to become a demon.

“Oh? Who said that he was turning into a demon? I just said that he's starting to smell a little bit like you. Just one small smell on top on his usual smell, just like you. The difference between you two is, that the smell attached to you is a lot stronger.” Mephisto replied ambiguously.

“I told you that Yukio is _not_ becoming a demon. He would tell me.” I said. Mephisto was really starting to piss me off.

“Just like you told him? Think about it, my dear boy.” Mephisto said before walking away.

“Tell me what you mean, Mephisto!” I yelled.

“Ein, zwei, drei-” Poof! “Taataa, now!” Mephisto winked as he pulled a key out of his white coat, and left to go to off to God knows where. Well, I suppose he would know. He's the one who made the key system, after all.

Why does he have to do stuff like that? He just pisses me off, giving complicated and ambiguous answers to everything! There's no good reason for him to do that! We're supposed to be on the same side, for fuck's sake! Hell, if I didn't know better, I'd say that he's just doing that for fun. Damn him...

I stormed back into the training room.

“Hey, it doesn't look like yer walk helped ya much.” Shura commented.

“It worked I got my mind off things. But I ran into Mephisto and now he's saying things that really piss me off! He's saying that Yukio's starting to smell like me, and I _know_ there's no way that Yukio's turning into a demon. I mean, he'd tell me if he was. That jerk's just trying to piss me off!” I ranted. It felt kind of good to shout it out.

“Well, I'm not so sure that Yukio would tell ya if he was becoming a demon. That's just not the way he is, the four-eyed chicken that he is.” Shura said. I won't let myself believe that. “And did Mephisto actually say _specifically_ that Yukio was becoming a demon? If he didn't, then he's probably just tryin' ta mess with yer head. And it seems that he's doing a pretty fine job.” Shura leaned back in her seat, putting her hands behind her head.

“He couldn't have meant anything else! There's no other reason that Yukio would suddenly start smelling like I do. No reason that some other smell would suddenly be attached to him! I mean, he moved out of our room yesterday, and since there's no one else in the dorm, he can't smell like any other person!” I yelled. Yukio could _not_ be a demon. “The only other way for him to have a smell attached to him, if he isn't around any new people is if it's his own bl-” What was I about to say?

No way. No way in fucking hell. No way in fucking _Gehenna_ either! Yukio could not smell like blood. He's not injured, and he didn't scrape himself when he tripped in class earlier. But there's no doubt about it, now that I think about it. That smell was definitely blood. I've smelled it on myself enough over the past month to realize that. I guess that means that Mephisto knows too. Fuck, that means he knows about both of us! Fuck! Fucking damnfuck! 

There is no way that Yukio would ever cut himself. _Ever_. But, I guess he thought the same thing about me too. But Yukio's good. He's pure, clean, and far too smart for that. I'm the stupid one who has to rely on things like knives, rocks, plastic, and razors to keep myself in check. Yukio's way too strong for that. He would never ever do that. But if he did, at least it didn't smell any worse than a paper cut. For that I'm relieved, but still, if he did try-

“Rin? Hellooo~” Shura said, waving her hand in front of my face.

“Huh?” was my smart reply.

“Yer spacing out pretty bad. What's up? You were saying that Yukio is smelling like blood now?” Shura asked.

“I-I didn't say that!” I defended.

“But you were about ta say it. Then ya started spacing out. Let it out, tell me what's up.” Shura said, almost demanding.

“That's none of your business. It's no one's business. Just me and Yukio.” I replied quietly, staring at the floor. I really need to break that habit.

“Wrong. It is my business. If I'm on a mission with him, I need to know what's going on with him, and that he's gonna have my back if I need it. Same for every other exorcist out there. We don't go into battle alone. We've always gotta know that our partners are gonna have our backs. Tell me now, what's up with Yukio!” Shura demanded, harshly this time.

“It's no big deal. It only smelled like a paper cut.” I said.

“If that was the whole story, ya wouldn't have spaced out like that.” Shura probed. She stared at me. I knew that she wouldn't stop until I gave her a satisfying answer. Unfortunately, I didn't have any good lies.

“I was just worried. What if he was... You know... sometimes when people are upset or something... they kind of... um... maybe use a sharp object and make themselves bleed?” I said nervously. I really didn't want to say cutting.

“And why would you think that first?” Shura asked. She sounded a little sad when she said that. I wonder why? Then she stood up and walked over to me. She put her hand on my shoulder and made me look up at her. “Ya know, everyone goes through hard times. We all cope with it differently. There's no such thing as the wrong way to deal with it, but some things are generally healthier for ya than others.” Shura stood up and stretched her arms above her head.

“Go home, kid. You're too stressed out. Go to bed, get some rest, and get your mind out of whatever gutter it's stuck in right now. You're stronger than that. I've seen ya, and I know it. I believe in ya kid, and I know that ya need to hear it more than anything. Get some sleep and come back feeling better tomorrow. Ya still look like shit, and with what's in yer brain, it's no wonder ya can't do yer training right now. Buck up, mister. You've done harder things just not hurtin' yerself for a night. This should be a cinch, right? Get some rest. That's an order, ya hear. I don't wanna hear that ya've disobeyed me, you got it?”

“Yeah, I understand. And, thanks. It really means a lot.” I said. I guess it wasn't too big a leap. She figured it out, but she's not asking why. She's just leaving it alone and telling me to feel better. Why's she being so nice? Why's she saying just what I need to hear? A demon like me doesn't deserve this. “I guess I'll see you tomorrow, Miss Shura.”

I put my key in the nearest door, and turned it. I walked through and made my way back to the dorms. I still had another half hour or so before Bon would be back. I guess I can use the time to take a nap or something, like Shura said. I did have a pretty shitty sleep last night. A nap. Doesn't sound like such a bad idea. Maybe everything will make more sense when I wake up.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

_Izumo's head floated by._

_“You aren't the only one, you know. We're the same, right? You can trust me.”_

_“No.”_

_Bon's head appeared._

_“We're friends you know. Talk to us, make us understand.”_

_“I can't.”_

_Then it was Shiemi._

_“We just want to help you, Rin. You're my friend. You're the first friend I've ever had!”_

_“No!”_

_Shura next._

_“Ya know, yer stronger than this. You can make it through just one night, can't ya?”_

“That's impossible! I can't do it!”

I sat up in bed, sheets tangled around me, and clothes folded in awkward positions on my body. At least it was only a dream. Even if it was a dream, it was still scary. But I can't help but wonder, who would have been next? Yukio? I don't want to hear him say that he doesn't understand me, that my behaviour doesn't make sense. It makes perfect sense. Take it all out on the one who deserves it. Me. I'm just taking responsibility for my myself. Nothing wrong with that.

But really, there is.

I know that what I do is considered wrong and unthinkable by many in society, but I don't really care. It's what I do, and it's how I get by. Speaking of which, I need to cut really bad right now, and my razor is just over on the desk.

I stand up to grab it, when I'm interrupted by a voice.

“Good to see you're awake, Okumura.” Bon said. I froze. “You're really going to screw up your sleep schedule if you keep taking afternoon naps like this. When did you get back, anyways. Your training is supposed to end at the same time as our lessons end. How did you get back here so fast?”

“Shura let me quit early.” I replied quietly.

“Oh? You gettin' good at controlling your powers now?” Bon questioned.

“No, my head just wasn't in it today. I made some candles explode, and she told me to take the night to cool off.” I explained. That's the gist of it. He doesn't need to know any more. Wait, why did I even bother explaining in the first place? I could have just shrugged it off and said that Shura has her whims, or that she was too drunk, or something. Excuses with Shura are too easy to come by. The real question is, why? What is wrong with me.

Everything.

“Explode?” Bon laughed. I cringed. I knew he'd mock me. “That's funny. I'd expect no less from you, Okumura. You're a funny guy, you know.”

“Yeah, a lot of fun to pick on, I get it.” I said to the floor.

“That's not what I meant.” Bon said.

“Then how else am I supposed to take it?” I replied.

“I was trying to be friendly and make an enjoyable conversation. You do have to admit, from a third person point of view, it's kind of funny. And how does that even work? Exploding candles...” Bon trailed off into some train of thought.

“Even your massive head doesn't have a brain large enough to figure it out.” I replied snappishly.

“Hah! That's good one.” Bon laughed.

For some reason, I felt really good. Like I couldn't breathe and my chest was going to explode and it was going to be really painful. A balloon of pressure was building up under my sternum (yes I know what a sternum is) and it was going to expand until my ribs cracked and my lungs, heart, aorta, and other important blood vessels burst out of me. I wanted to cry, because it hurt. But I liked it. The hurt actually felt good.

So does that mean I'm becoming a masochist? Maybe I already was one. I do like cutting after all. I don't really feel it at all when I do it, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, right? My body must feel it. But if there's no pain, does it really count?

I don't know. But I kind of want to just grab that razor off of my desk and rip it through my body right now. Tear my arm to pieces.

“Hey, you okay?” Bon asked me. I guess I had been staring at one spot for too long, and ignoring him. “You may want to take a breath soon. Your face is turning red.”

I was holding my breath? I breathed. I guess I was. “Thanks, I guess.”

“What happened there?” He asked.

“Nothing. Just got caught up in some thought.” Stop talking to him! Don't tell him things!

“Okay. Just making sure you aren't going totally crazy on me now.” Bon said with amusement.

“Why do you keep bringing up stuff like that?” I asked, kind of annoyed.

“It's one of your characteristics. Of course I'm not gonna let it go. Friends tease each other about their idiosyncrasies. Because we can. And it's all in jest, so just relax.” Bon explained.

“And I'm supposed to know that, how?” I asked, getting more annoyed with him.

“Haven't you had friends before?” Bon asked.

“Fuck no! Why do you think it's hurt me so bad, what you guys did? How am I supposed to understand everything you guys take for granted when I don't have your kind of experience to rely on? Why do you assume so much about me? Why do you expect me to be such a good person? I'm not! I'm a horrible person, so just SHUT UP! WHO WOULD EVER WANT TO HAVE BEEN FRIENDS WITH A DEMON LIKE ME?” My shouting grew louder as I ranted. I looked at the clock just before slamming the door as I left. 7:15pm. I guess I missed dinner, but I'm not really hungry anyways.

As I rounded the corner to the stairs that lead to the roof, I saw Shima walking up from a lower floor.

“Hey, Rin! How's it going?” He called up to me. I stopped at the top of his flight of stairs to answer him.

“I'm just fine.” I said, a little grudgingly. How can he be so damned happy all the time. Even when he's scared almost literally shitless, he still has a smile tracing his lips. Like that time during the camping trip...

“You sure? I'm not totally convinced, but that's your business, not mine. Anyways, I'm just here to drop off a book for Bon. He left it behind today. Is he in right now?” Shima asked.

“Yeah, just down the hall.” I turned to leave and go up the stairs.

“Hey, where are you going Okumura?” Shima called after me.

“These stairs only go to one place.” I answered.

“No need to be so harsh. Mind if I join you?” He asked.

“Yes.” I answered.

“Great! Up the stairs we go.” He totally just missed what I said, didn't he.

“I don't want you there.” I made it perfectly clear that time, right?

“Okay. Let's go.” Damn Shima...

“Why are you insisting on coming?” I asked.

“Because, when people are upset, being alone just makes it worse. You can't really deny that one, so don't try. Believe it or not, I think you're a pretty cool guy, I have the whole time. I just followed Bon because that's what I do. I've got nothing against you.” Shima answered.

“When the hell did you start acting smart?” I asked, surprised at his words. Not what he said about himself, but what he said about being alone making it worse.

“Bon had to rub off on me a little.” He answered.

“So Bon _did_ dye his hair first... That answers that question.” I answered lightheartedly. “I guess you're a follower all the way down to your appearance.”

Shima laughed. “Good one, Okumura.”

Did I just just tease him? And is this one of those friendly banter things Bon was talking about? I don't get it. It's too confusing. I don't know what to think about this. I almost wish that it was back to the way things used to be. I know how to deal with harsh words, and I know how to deal with literal speech. How an I supposed to deal with this... weird... I don't even know what to call it!

When he had stopped laughing, Shima made another point. “You never really answered my first question. How is everything going? Bon isn't being too much of a hard-ass for you?”

“We keep arguing. That's how it's going.” I answered.

“Ah, so he _is_ being a hard-ass.” Shima said, nodding with understanding.

“No, it's not quite like that. I don't really know how to explain it, other than that our views keep clashing.” I replied.

“Oh. I guess I don't really get it then.” Shima paused before continuing. “So, do you wanna go back to your room?”

“What? I just told you that we were fighting.” I said.

“And it won't get solved if you just keep avoiding each other.” He said.

“You don't get it, do you?” I asked, accusingly.

“No, I don't. Neither does Bon. That's why you keep having problems.” He said.

“...What?” I asked. What the hell is Shima talking about?

“We don't get it because we've never been on your side. We can only view the situation from our point of view. I guess that means that we'll never really understand, so we just have to do whatever we think is right. Me, I just go with the flow. Make things easy, try to lighten the mood a little when it gets too heavy. Tell me, is it working?” He asked. I had to admit, it was working. “Bon, he's a hard-ass. The hard road or the high road, or whatever the saying is. He's too straightforward about this kind of thing. No subtleties, just straight business. Do this, that happens, no gray area. He gets upset when things don't go according to his plan.”

“When the hell did you get so smart?” I asked again.

Shima laughed. “When you were sleeping in class.” That comment made me smile a little. That weird feeling in my chest came back with it.

Then I smelled blood. I heard Yukio's footsteps coming down the hall just below.

“Thanks for the talk, Shima. Really, thanks.” I said. “I've got something I've gotta take care of right now, so if you don't mind...”

“Anytime, my friend. And good luck with said mysterious task, Okumura.” He said, and turned towards my room.

There was more blood on Yukio now than earlier. This time, it's not a day old. It's fresh. Fresh as in only a few minutes ago fresh. I need to see what's going on with my little brother.

\---

Yukio finished teaching his class as quickly and painlessly as possible. That would be the last time that he ever goes in without something planned. Teaching from the top of his head was a lot harder than it had looked. He's just one of those people who needs a set plan.

He can't just adapt on the fly like Rin can.

Why could he never measure up to his older brother? No matter how long his spent chasing, Rin would always be miles ahead.

Yet, it was Rin who was the one in this emotional sea of trouble. Yukio still felt the strong need to understand. He didn't know why Rin did what he did, and he needed to learn. Sure it hurt last time, but maybe trying it again, maybe for a couple days in a row, would help him to understand what his brother was thinking when he did it.

He also didn't forget what Mephisto had said earlier.

_“Okumura, teacher Okumura, that was one interesting lesson you had put together there, wasn't it?” Mephisto asked with that irritating, knowing smile of his._

_“I apologize, Sir Pheles. I was unprepared. It will not happen again.” Yukio had replied._

_“Oh yes, it had better not. Now, formalities out of the way, you were crying in class. Is there some big secret that even I, headmaster, am not aware of, or should not be aware of?”_

_“No secret, Sir.”_

_“No secret? Then would you care to tell me why you smell like blood? You haven't had any missions recently, and I see no wound. Tell me, where is it coming from?”_

_“You can smell blood on me?” Yukio asked._

_“Yes, and your brother can too. He's already noticed, and by now, I'm pretty sure he knows what he's been smelling on you. You smell just like him, you know.”_

_“What are you talking about, Mephisto?”_

_“I don't know, you tell me.”_

That creepy jackass clown. There is no way he could have found out about Rin. Absolutely no way. Yukio decided that he had to try again, even if Rin did notice. It was all for Rin's sake, anyways.

Yukio went over to the bathroom, picked up his own razor, and tried drawing another line across his left forearm. It went a little deeper this time, and a few beads of blood actually formed on the top of his skin this time. It had clotted by the time Yukio had brought his arm to the sink to wash it off.

A little more successful that time, Yukio thought. But it still hurt like a _bitch._ He had no idea why anyone would willingly put themselves through that. Why would you do something that _hurts?_

Yukio cleaned his arm, cleaned his blade, then left the room. He decided that he'd go and check in on Suguro. Just because he couldn't see his brother, didn't mean that he couldn't see his brother's temporary roommate, and his own student. Right. He was going to see Suguro. Right.

He started padding down the hall, when he heard two voices. He couldn't make out what they were saying, but their voices sounded like they were saying farewells. Probably one of the Kyoto trio visiting Bon. I bet I'll pass him on his way out.

As Yukio turned to go up the stairs, he saw his brother, less than ten feet away, staring at him.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

“Rin, hi, I uh, I didn't expect to see you here.” Yukio said by way of introduction.

“I live in this dorm too, you know, of course we're going to bump into each other. Anyways, what do you think you're doing?” Rin replied. He sounded kind of angry.

Yukio was a little hurt by his brother's harshness. It sounded like Rin thought that he didn't care. “I was just going upstairs to see Suguro. You know, make sure that you're not too much for him, or anything.” Yukio said. Even to himself, his excuse sounded weak.

“That isn't what I meant.” Rin stated. Yukio was confused. What else could Rin have been talking about?

“Well, if you aren't upset by me intruding on your private space upstairs, then what are you so upset about?” Yukio asked. It couldn't be...

“You smell like blood Yukio. I wanna know why.” Rin crossed his arms, communicating his stubbornness and willingness to pursue the subject, whatever Yukio might say to avoid it.

“You want me to tell you why I smell like blood. I'm an exorcist. I kill demons. Sometimes, I get a scratch. You know how it is. Not everyone has the healing ability that you do. My scratches last longer.” Yukio replied. Reasonable enough excuse, he figured.

“You haven't been on any missions recently.” Rin replied.

“And how would you know that? We've been living apart, remember?” Yukio stated.

“For only twenty-four hours. You wouldn't have gone on any missions last night, and there wouldn't have been time for you to go on one today, with brief time between the end of cram school and now. So tell me Yukio, why do you smell like blood, and why just today?” Rin asked again.

“I don't know. Maybe I nicked myself on something?” Yukio's excuses were getting weaker.

“Yeah, you probably did. On what, though?” Rin asked

“How should I know? For all I know, it was small enough that I didn't notice!” Yukio replied. Very weak.

“You know, if you've been bleeding, you should probably put a band-aid on it, or something. Like you said, you don't heal like I do, so you don't want the 'little nick' to get infected or anything. You are an exorcist, coming into contact with some very nasty substances on a daily basis. You know, my nose is strong enough that I could probably figure out what area of your body it was on if I walked over there and concentrated, since you don't seem to know where it is. I could help you patch it up too. I think I'm competent enough to handle a band-aid.” Rin stated. Yukio was really feeling the pressure of his brother's words.

“I'll do it myself, and it's none of your business, Rin.” Yukio stated.

“None of my business? I'm your brother! We're family, and you should trust me. I care about you a lot, you know.” Rin said sadly, turning his eyes to the wall.

“I could say the same thing to you, you know. I'm your brother. You can trust me.” Yukio said. Rin flinched, and Yukio knew that he'd won.

“Well, in my case, it's not something that you could understand, and it's not something that's easy to talk about. The whole point is that I can't talk about it. It's not the same.” Rin said.

“Oh, yes it is. This is my business, and you won't understand it either.” Yukio said.

“Well try me!” Rin shouted, “Give it a shot! Maybe I won't get it right away, but so what? I can at least try to help if nothing else!”

“Once again, right back at you, Rin.” Yukio said coldly. Rin looked like he was about to cry.

“Fine. I'm going back upstairs. Suguro's okay. Text him if you need anything more.” Rin said, and walked back upstairs. As he reached the top, Shima, who was coming back downstairs, put a hand on his shoulder.

“Each of us can only see it from one side of the situation. We haven't seen the other side yet.” Shima said, then continued walking. “You too, Mr. Okumura-teacher-sir!” Shima kept walking and waved behind him as a farewell.

Yukio sighed. He'd have to think about what Shima had said, especially since it seemed like he'd had some sort of conversation like that with his brother. That encounter certainly had not gone as well as he'd hoped their first encounter would. It was going to be a long time before this whole mess could be resolved. Until then, he'd just have to keep trying to understand.

\---

I really had to try not to sprint back to my room. There's nothing I want more right now than to run in there, grab the razor off my desk, throw myself under the covers, and forget all of this. Why can't Yukio trust me? We're family, and we're the only family the we have left. I'm his older brother, so he should know that he can come to me about anything, and that I'll be there for him. I'll help him. If he feels like he needs to hurt himself to feel better, then he can just tell me about it. I'll help him to feel better some other way, if he can. I get the feeling, I won't judge him, I just want him to trust me enough to tell me what's going on. I don't want to see my little brother hurting like that when I'm right here to help him out.

I walked into the room, only to see a startled Bon. Right. I was mad at him earlier. That doesn't seem too important right now, though. Yukio's much more important than some stupid argument about... I don't remember. I guess it wasn't that important in the first place.

“You came back. Look, I'm sorry about what I-” Bon started.

“Not now. I don't have time to talk to you.” I snapped.

Bon put his hands up. “Hey, chill out. I hadn't even said anything yet.” he defended.

“You were about to say something about the fight earlier, and I don't want to think about that right now. I've got more important things to worry about than trying to remember what we were fighting about, then resolving it.” I said.

“You mean you forgot?” Bon asked incredulously.

“Like I said, it's not important.” I replied.

“I would disagree. I mean, it's something that we really should talk about...” I glared at him, “some other time. I get it. But we will talk about it at some point. Wanna share what important stuff is bugging you right now, instead?” Bon asked.

“No.” I said.

“Well, it's gonna get awful boring in here then, There isn't much to do but talk or do homework. Or think, I guess, but I'm sure you know, having something bothering you, and then being left alone with your thoughts, well, it usually doesn't end well, does it.” Bon stated.

“None of your business. And stop talking like Shima.” I said.

“Of all people, _Shima_ beat me to it? Damn.” Bon said, “When did he get so smart?”

“That's what I asked him.” I replied.

“Well, while we're agreeing, care to tell me what's bugging you?” Bon asked.

“Are you not going to leave me alone?” I asked, growing frustrated with him.

“That's the point of us living in the same room, isn't it? To get you to talk it out?” Bon said. I heard the end of that sentence, even though he didn't say it. Instead of cutting out chunks of your flesh and hurting yourself to deal with whatever the fuck is going on inside your messed up brain. Maybe not all that, but at least, that was the general idea.

“Yukio.” That's my answer.

“Yukio? Is something wrong with him?” Bon asked.

“Of course. If there was nothing wrong, I wouldn't be worried about him!” I answered. 

“Hey, I'm not the one you're mad at. Just explain what's wrong.” Bon said, sitting back in his chair.

“Yukio, I don't know what to say about it, it's just, he smells like blood and he hasn't been on missions and there's nowhere it could come from other than the obvious and I'm worried, goddamnit!” I ranted.

“The obvious? What's supposed to be obvious...?” Bon said to himself. I took it as a question anyways.

“I mean, why else would he smell like blood unless he caused it himself? I don't want him to do that! I want Yukio to be happy. He's my little brother, and he doesn't understand that he can just trust me and tell me if something's wrong.” I answered.

“Do you think that he would consider telling you if it involves you in the first place?” Bon asked me.

“What?” I asked. What was he getting at?

“I mean, if this whole situation is putting stress on him, is he going to tell you? That would put more stress on you, and I think that that's something that Mr. Okumura wants to avoid. What caused this whole situation in the first place.” Bon explained. Why does he have to make sense at a time like this?

“I guess...” I said.

“And didn't you do exactly the same thing? Not tell him what was going on because you wanted him to be happy? Honestly, I think both of you are idiots. You are both the same!” Bon said.

“Yukio's nothing like me. He's smart, he's nice, he's a really great guy! He's an incredibly skilled exorcist, the youngest ever, as well as head of the advanced class and an exorcist teacher. Yukio's a really amazing person. I'm just a pathetic demon.” I said.

“Eh, if you think so. From my point of view, you guys are very much alike. Whatever the difference in appearance, you guys act like each other, you're definitely brothers.” Bon commented. No way. He can't mean that. Yukio isn't anything like me. He's just about perfect and me, I'm not.

“Don't look like that. You're better than you think you are. Besides, didn't Shura tell you not to stress yourself out, to get some rest, and to go back tomorrow refreshed and whatnot so that you can do your training? And that she doesn't want to hear otherwise?” Bon asked.

“Who told you that?” I asked.

“Shura. She texted me, not drunk this time. I figured it was important that I actually read it.” Bon answered.

“Damn her. How did she know to text you?” I asked.

“How should I know?” he replied.

“I dunno. I'm sorry. She's right, though. I know that, but it's not as easy as she says, you know?” I asked.

“No, I don't. I can't pretend to, either. This is your shit, you need to deal with it, but I'm here to rant to if you need it.” Bon said.

That kind of hurt. He'll never understand, but at least he's being honest, I guess. And he's right. I wouldn't really want him to take up this habit either.

What did I just think? When did I start caring? When did it start to matter to me whether or not he does anything to himself or not? This just didn't make any sense.

“I think I'm going to go prepare the lunches for tomorrow. Anything you want in yours?” I asked. I need to get away right now. I need to think this out.

“Nah, I'm not picky. Just do whatever you normally do for you and Yukio. Anything's good with me. And thanks. Lunch was great today too, by the way.” he said.

“Thanks. I'll whip something up.” I said. I left and made my way to the kitchen. Hopefully, after making the food, I'll be tired enough, and unfocused enough, to get a decent night's sleep. I bet that would do wonders.

\---

Yukio walked back to his room. Why did all of his excuses have to sound so pathetic? How was Rin able to do it all this time? Able to act so cheerful, so free, so... like Rin? How was he able to hide it so well for however long this has been going on? How was he able to come up with so many reasonable sounding excuses? How was he able to do it so that no one ever caught on?

Yukio couldn't understand. It was just too much.

One more try, he told himself. One more try to understand him. One more time, and maybe it will make sense. I need to figure out why he's doing this. I need to understand my brother so that I can help him.

Yukio picked up the razor and held it close to his arm. His hand was shaking and he couldn't bring himself to put the pressure on.

Why is that? Why couldn't he just press and slide? It sounded so easy, so why couldn't he perform the simple action? Maybe because he knows that it's ineffective?

Maybe if he took the blade out, it would be easier to press into his skin.

Yukio disassembled his razor, and decided to try out his new idea. He chuckled darkly. He was beginning to think like a cutter. New ways to use old tools.

Yukio held his left arm over the sink, his forearm facing towards him. He pinched the tiny blade between his right thumb and pointer. He took a good long stare at the clean, pale skin of his arm, shut his emotions out, and made a nice slash across the pale sheet of skin.

This time, it was actually bleeding. Not a lot, it wasn't deep, but enough that small trickles made their way from the gash around to the bottom of his arm. Yukio chuckled again.

It didn't really hurt.

This was the worst so far, and it didn't really hurt, not that much.

Maybe he could understand why Rin did this after all. Maybe he had a chance.

That thought made him very happy.

So he laughed.

And laughed.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

By the end of the week, not much had changed, at least, not in Yukio's opinion. Rin was still quietly avoiding him. He couldn't get too close to his brother without receiving a questioning glance before his brother turned around and walked away. He figured that Rin must still be able to smell the blood on him, and that there was more now than when they met on the stairs. Normally, Yukio would be anxious that his brother had noticed that something was wrong. This time, he couldn't really bring himself to care. This was all for his brother, after all.

One thing that Yukio was thankful for is that the exorcist uniforms have long sleeves. If it weren't for that, his attempts to understand his brother would be clearly visible. He knew that anyone who noticed them would take it the wrong way, play it off as some sort of teenage phase, and try to talk him out of it. Those people would be wrong, and Yukio didn't want the extra trouble of dealing with them when this problem only concerned him and his brother. It was no one else's business if he was trying to understand what his brother felt and what he was doing. It would be quite rude for anyone else to try to interfere. There was nothing wrong with this at all.

It was scientific exploration coupled with psychology. Those two academic subjects were also offered at the school. Just because he isn't following the curriculum, or learning the recommended material, didn't mean that he wasn't learning anything in those two subjects. There was nothing wrong with studying extra material, or learning what one wanted to learn.

That's right. This is all academic research. Research that he could use to help his brother.

These thoughts are what kept Yukio going at it every night for over a week. Today is Friday, and that means that he's about to spend another weekend alone in his dorm room. While he likes his quiet and solitude for studying, he can't help but miss Rin's company. His brother always knew how to make him smile when he was too stressed about homework, exorcism, or whatever it happened to be. Rin sure was amazing in that regard. He didn't even have to know what was going on, and he could still lighten the mood. Even if people tend to think of Yukio as the older brother, Rin takes care of him more than he take care of Rin. This incident just goes to prove it.

So why did Rin do it in the first place? That's the big question. That's the question that Yukio is still trying to solve more than a week later. Despite being able to cause himself harm, it still hurts. He doesn't like it. He can't figure out a reason why.

He didn't notice that the more time he spent thinking about it, the more stressed he was, the deeper each of his cuts became, and the more he bled.

He just had to keep trying. Even geniuses don't get the results that they need on the first attempt at an experiment, especially one with this many variables. With each attempt, something must change, and with each change, it becomes a slightly different experiment. Each attempt to understand his brother is another ruling for reasons, or feelings, to or not to do this. That's all it meant.

But the one time that it barely hurt, what did that mean? Yukio was angry with himself for not being in the right state of mind to pay attention that time. It just meant that he'd have to keep trying.

Every night, again and again.

\---

Bon is such a hard-ass! I mean, who does their homework on Friday night? Yeah, I get that he wants to have some extra time on the weekend or whatever, but come on! Homework is meant to be done last-minute on Sunday night, not on Friday. I'm no keener, I don't even give a damn about high school. But no, that's not acceptable, apparently. Just because Bon's a giant nerd, doesn't mean that he has to make me one too. I get that he likes his routine, but why pick on me? Just because we live together, doesn't mean that we have to do our homework at the same time. Geez, I really don't get him.

But my grades have improved. Slightly. Eh, not all that much. Just because my homework gets finished, doesn't mean that I'll actually get the answers right. I don't care about high school, I just wanna learn to torch demons so that I can kick Satan's ass. I'll kick the shit outta Satan, and that'll show Bon. You don't need to study that hard, or do your homework on a Friday night.

I put my head down on my desk, using the open textbook as a headrest. I sighed and closed my eyes. They were hardly closed for more than twenty seconds before a hand slapped itself down beside my head. It scared the crap out of me, fuck!

“Do your homework!” Bon said.

“I'm saving it for later!” I stuck out my tongue like a child, trying to get my grin to win him over.

And this is why he's a hard-ass. “I don't care if you wanna do it now or later, I'm telling you to get it done now!” The stupid faces that I make don't appeal to him at all. I've been living with him for like, nine days or something, and we have this same argument every night. Why doesn't he get it yet? I don't care, and I hate studying. At least he doesn't really try to bug me about anything else. Maybe he wants to, but he hasn't tried to make me talk yet. 

“Yeah, well I've got other homework too. I'll do that now and come back later.” I said as I got up. I stretched my arms, grabbed kurikara, and started to head out.

“What other homework?” Bon asked.

“Why, training of course.” I grinned stupidly, then ran out. Haha, I pissed him off.

“Get back here Okumura, you need to get this done!” He called after me.

“Tough shit!” I called back, “Let's go Kuro!” Kuro ran after me.

_I get to play with Rin today! We haven't played in a long time! I'm really excited!_

“Yeah, let's play Kuro.” I said.

We went up to the roof, and Kuro transformed into his larger demon form. I pulled out my sword, and we sparred a little bit. Kuro looked like he was having the time of his life, and to me, the exercise just felt good. When was the last time I sparred with Kuro, anyways? Was it... oh yeah, it was about three weeks ago, I think.

My mood started to fall. I trained with his quite often just after the camping trip, and back then, I just kept feeling worse every time we sent a blow towards the other, and I'd go back inside after it all and cut because training wasn't distracting enough. After two weeks of trying to lost myself in training, I stopped training with Kuro at all. No wonder he says he missed it, he always loved sparring with me.

I didn't notice my strikes becoming weaker or slower until my thoughts were interrupted by one of my favourite voices in the world.

_Rin, why are you slowing down? Do you not like playing with me?_

No, I don't want Kuro to think that this is his fault, he's a great cat. “No, I love it, Kuro. It's really fun. I've missed playing with you too, you know.” I smiled.

_Then why do you seem to get sadder the longer we play?_

“I'm not getting sadder, see?” I said, widening my grin as we continued to exchange blows.

_I can hear your feelings every time we strike. That is your exposed heart, you know. Don't lie to me Rin! I don't want you to be a liar!_

Exposed heart? I wonder what he means by that? My heart's in my chest. “I'm not lying Kuro, I really did miss playing with you. Promise.” I said.

_If you like playing, the why are you sad? Did I accidentally hurt you? Is that why you always smell like blood after we play?_

I forgot, Kuro has demon senses too. Of course he noticed. Since it kept happening after we trained, he thought that it was his fault that I was getting hurt. I'm a horrible person. I need to hurt myself.

“No, it's not your fault Kuro.” I owe him some sort of explanation, “It is no way at all your fault. You never hurt me, and I'm not going to lie to you. I didn't lie to you when we met, and I'm not going to start now.” I put my sword away, and walked over to Kuro. I put my hand in between his eyes before speaking again, “It's all my fault, you didn't do anything wrong.”

_I don't understand Rin. If I didn't hurt you, then why do you smell like blood? What's wrong Rin? Why are you feeling so sad all of a sudden? What's wrong?_

Fuck, I'm worrying Kuro too. Damn. Why am I such a fuckup? I sat down before I started talking. “It's kind of hard for me to explain, Kuro. It's not something easy to talk about, even if I had a reason that might make sense to you.” I said.

_What are you talking about Rin? Why are you so sad?_

Kuro went back to his small cat form, and crawled on to my lap. He started nuzzling my chest, trying to comfort me, I think. I petted him in return, and he began to purr. “It's just, I don't know, whenever things bother me too much, I try to find a way to take my mind off of it. I don't like to talk about it, because I honestly don't know how to explain it properly to anyone else.

“I do my best to distract myself from whatever it is that bothers me, but that doesn't always work. When it doesn't work, I need to use another way to make myself try to feel better. Whenever I start to hate myself, when I feel like a demon, lonely, scared, anything that makes me feel bad, I kind of... I need... I just...” I started choking on my words.

_Rin? Are you okay?_

“No, Kuro, I'm not okay. When everything inside me hurts too much, I feel like I need to hurt myself, cause my body some sort of harm. I'll use whatever I have, whatever I can find, and I'll-I'll-I'll make myself start to... I-I bleed.” I know that the explanation is insufficient as far as my reasons go, and as far as explaining how I feel, but I can't tell him more than I know that he'll understand.

_But Rin, why would you hurt yourself? It's bad for you! Why do you want your body to hurt like that?_

“Honestly, I don't really know. I don't know if I have a good reason for why I chose this way to do it, but, it's just what I do. It's just something that I decided to do one day, and I never quit. It's not your fault Kuro. Don't feel sad about me.” I said.

_But Rin, of course I'm going to feel sad. You're my master. I love you just like I love Shiro!_

That little cat really knows how to hit me where it hurts. “You don't hate me?” I asked.

_No! I would never hate you! You talk to me and you play with me and you make really good sukiyaki! Just like Shiro would play with me and made really yummy catnip wine! There's no way I can hate you! You saved me from the other exorcists back when we met! You're my friend, Rin._

“Thanks Kuro, that means a lot. Say, why don't you and I go make dinner now, huh? I can make your favourite tonight. I think Yukio bought the ingredients, and it's a Friday night. Why not celebrate, eh?” I asked, trying to hold back the tears that were forming in my eyes.

_You mean you're going to make sukiyaki? Really? Yay!_

Kuro jumped up and started doing some sort of cheer dance or something. He looked really happy. “Yeah, let's go make some food.” I said.

We headed back downstairs and went straight to the kitchen. Too bad I had forgotten about a certain someone who has gotten far too used to my habits.

“Okumura! You need to get your work done!” Bon said to me as I entered the kitchen. He'd brought his work and staked out in there, knowing that I'd eventually come to make food.

“Sorry, I promised my favourite little buddy I'd cook his favourite food tonight. I'll have to do it later.” I stuck my tongue out at him again.

Bon glanced up at me and looked like he was about to give me a talking to, but then he paused and seemed to change his mind. “Hey, what's up? You look so much more... relaxed? I guess that's the word I want. What happened when you were 'training' with Kuro?” he asked.

“Hey, it's real training! I'm practicing my sword technique and stuff! And Kuro and I, we just had a little talk is all. It's all good, right Kuro?” I asked.

_Right Rin! Now make the sukiyaki! You promised!_

I chuckled. “Yeah, right on it little buddy.” I said. Bon continued to look at us, missing half of the demon-demon telepathy conversation, before going back to his homework.

“Just make sure you get your homework done before bed tonight.” Bon grumbled.

“Hard-ass.”

“Lazy.”

“Didn't your parents ever tell you that it's a bad idea to insult the chef?”

“No, now hurry up so you can do your work!”

“I'll make sure I spit in yours, stupid rooster.”

“You shouldn't taunt me, I'll just have to get you back afterwards.”

“You couldn't do anything to me if you tried.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, I'm sure. As sure as I am going to kick Satan's ass first.”

“You just keep dreaming, Okumura. Beat me in a test someday, and maybe I'll believe you.”

“You're just saying that to make me do my homework! No way, not happening.”

“Stubborn monkey.”

“Hard-ass.”

_Sukiyaki!_


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

I sighed. Of all the types of shopping that I could be dragged into, it just had to be something as boring as school supply shopping. Apparently I don't have a large enough supply of paper, pens, and pencils to make it through a decent portion of the semester. Why is Bon such a hard-ass about these things? Why can't he just get over it. I'll do my homework if and when I feel like it. It's not like high school matters to me. I know he said something about promising Yukio to help out with my grades or whatever, but come on, school supply shopping? Really? This is such a damn waste of time. I could be sleeping or something right now.

I sighed again. Well, I just have to get the things on this list and anything else that I see and think that I might need. After that, I have to meet Bon at the checkout to pay. Let's see, pencils, pens, lined paper, ruler, extra ink, and pencil leads. How about I just get wooden pencils instead? That'll save both pencil money and pencil lead money. I walked through the store aisles and picked out the things one the list.

This is super exciting. I can't wait until the next time we come back. God, I hate this.

Something glinted in the corner of my eye. I stopped and looked, then asked myself a question. Why am I staring at pencil sharpeners? Oh yeah, wooden pencils need sharpeners. Right. So there's a pack of two medium sized ones with cases or a pack of four small ones without cases. They're the same price...

Surely the ones with cases would be more convenient, since I wouldn't have to stand over a trash bin to sharpen the pencil, but they only have a total three blades for sharpening between the two of them, whereas the 4-pack has four blades...

Blades. Blades that are held in by only a single small screw. Blades that stay sharp enough long enough to sharpen pencils for a very long time...

A warm feeling crept into my chest. I am such a genius. Who will think twice about buying or using pencil sharpeners? Who actually considers pencil sharpeners to be a sharp object? Who actually thinks about how the blade could be released from the plastic? Who actually notices that it's only held in by a screw?

Yes. I love it.

I grabbed one of each pack of pencil sharpeners, just to test which type of pencil sharpener will be the easiest in the future. I also went and got a small JIS screwdriver (Japanese Industrial Standard, the equivalent to North American Phillips head) so that I'd be able to remove the screws. Shopping done, I can pay.

I met up with Bon and started putting my things on the checkout counter.

“What do you need so many pencil sharpeners for?” Bon asked

“I want to see which type I like best. Wooden pencils need to be sharpened. Anyways, pencil sharpeners are cheap. I'm not wasting money.” I replied.

“Okay... and a screwdriver? What the hell do you need that for?” he asked.

“You know, it's a handy tool to keep around. Never know when one of the doors in the dorm will suddenly fall off and we'll wish that we had a screwdriver to screw the hinges back in place.” I said. Kind of a messed up lie, but so ridiculous that he probably won't think twice about whether or not it's a lie.

“You're a weird one, Okumura.” Bon said as he put his stuff on the belt with mine. We payed for the supplies, and went back to the dorm. Time for another boring Saturday of avoiding Bon and his homework lectures. At least I'll be able to try my new toys.

\---

I stopped at the bathroom on the way back to our room. I needed privacy to open up the sharpeners, and it's an excuse I can pull off.

“School supplies won't be coming in with me, but I see no need to make two trips around the hall. Besides, I really gotta go.”

I'm taking my time. It's not like Bon's gonna bother me here. I ripped open the packaging around the screw driver, and started with the 2-pack of sharpeners. They had a weird shaped lid, with a curve in the plastic coming out to almost cover the blades. There's still enough room to wiggle the screwdriver in though.

I wiggled, twisted, turned, and tried to get the screwdriver in the screw, but the angles were absolutely horrible. Damn it, why didn't I think this through? Now how could I get past this plastic? If only I had better control of my flames, I could just melt it.

Or why don't I try that anyways? It's training. At best I only have two tries to get these blades, rescue them from the plastic casing that keeps them trapped. Essentially, I am saving them from captivity. Get it right now, or else they die. In this case, get covered in melted plastic, and trapped where I can't get them.

All right. I set the plastic on the floor. I only want to melt that one curve of plastic. I'll melt it, and gravity will make it melt away from the blades. That's how it's going to go down. I just need to concentrate now, and give it only a small spark of power and then...

A very tiny flame appeared on the plastic, on that curve that I'm trying to melt. Don't get excited, just concentrate on keeping that flame small, don't let it get bigger, don't let it spread to the rest of the sharpener, don't let it consume it. Just like Aang in Avatar. Don't let the fire spread on the leaf, don't let the fire spread on the sharpener. Keep it as small as possible. Maintain control over this power.

After a minute or so, the plastic started bending. It's curling away from the blade. I'm succeeding, and it's working. I am controlling my flames!

After another three minutes, it's melted away enough for me to get my screwdriver in there properly. I unscrew the blade, and it falls into my hand, no problem at all. This sense of accomplishment, I never knew how great it felt before.

Maybe I should keep the other curvy plastic one as my real pencil sharpener though, it's more effort than it's worth. I'll just unscrew the 4-pack. The screws are sticking straight out, with no guard. It'll be much easier.

I took the other blades out, and put my new toys in my pocket. Five new playthings, and no one will be the wiser. With my new treasures retrieved, I headed back to my room with a grin on my face.

Of course Bon has to start talking to me and ruin my good mood.

“Homework. Get it done. You only have one day left to do it, you know.” he said.

“I know. I'll do it later. Don't be such a hard-ass. You already made me go shopping with you today, so just give me a break.” I complained.

“Fine, if you don't want to do your homework, then don't.” he stated.

“Is it really that easy?” I asked, suspicious.

“Yep. If you don't want to do your homework, then don't. That's your choice. But if you don't want to do it, then I'd like to sit down with you and finish that talk we started, sort of, a week ago.” Bon said. Crap, he looks serious about this one. “Made your choice? You said you didn't want to do homework. Pick your favourite sitting spot, Okumura.”

I sat on my bed, bag falling to the floor and blades in my pocket calling for me. I really didn't want to do this. This is horrible. Why do I need to talk about this? I don't want to be here. I want to run away.

“I wanted to start with an apology, Okumura. I shouldn't have said what I said back then, and you were completely right. I don't know a thing about you or what you've experienced before, so I shouldn't make assumptions. It was wrong of me. Will you accept my apology?” he asked. What the hell is he talking about?

“What the hell are you talking about, stupid rooster?” I asked.

“You know, a week ago I was on your case for taking things too seriously, then you said that you don't have very much experience with friends and how the relationship is supposed to work? I'm apologizing for that. It was rude, and it was wrong.” he said.

Oh. I'd forgotten about that already. “Whatever. Sure. Is that all you wanted to talk about? Honestly, it wasn't that important in the first place.” I said.

“I'd disagree. Judging by the way you reacted, I'd say that it's very important.” he said.

Get out of my face. I don't want to talk about it. I really don't want to talk about it. Leave me alone. Let me be. Don't get into my business. I wish that I could run away.

“You want to go first, Okumura? Tell me what's really going on inside your head whenever anything involving friends comes up?”

“No, I don't want to talk about it.”

“Too bad, you have to.”

“Why, though? Why does it matter? It's never mattered before?”

“Because I think of you as my friend, that's why. I like to help my friends whenever there's a problem. Problems are best solved with teamwork, right? Once we know what the problem is, we can fix it, but I won't be able to help if you can't tell me what's up.” Bon stated. Just like Shima said, he's straightforward, do this, get that, no gray area. Hard-ass is a great term to describe him.

“There isn't a problem. I'm fine.”

“Fine. If you won't answer that question, I'll just ask a different one. Who was your first friend?”

I didn't have to think. “Yukio.”

“No, he's your brother.”

“Then what do you mean?”

“How about this, who was your first friend after Yukio?”

I had to pause for a moment. Who was the first person I'd considered a friend after Yukio? “Uh... Shiemi, I think?”

“And how long ago was that?”

“Um... maybe four months ago?”

“And after her?”

“All the rest of you guys, maybe a week or two later? I don't know! What does this have to do with anything?” I asked, confused.

“Because I asked you before if you've ever had friends, and you replied with 'Fuck no! Why do you think it's hurt me so bad, what you guys did? How am I supposed to understand everything you guys take for granted when I don't have your kind of experience to rely on? '” Bon replied.

“And what does that have to do with _anything?_ ” I asked, very annoyed.

“Because if we're the first friends you've ever had, there must be a reason for it. Either a reason why you accepted us, of all people, or why we're the first to accept you. Whichever way you look at it, it's a really sad story, and one that you need to let out before it keeps eating you up from the inside.”

“That's none of your business.” I said

“You made it my business by shouting it in my face. Talk, Okumura, or do I need to bring in Izumo, Shima, or Kuro as reinforcements? Don't put it past me, I will.” he threatened.

“Shut up! Why do you need to know so bad?” I asked

“Because I'm your friend, and this is honestly the best way to help, whether or not you believe me. If you hate me afterwards, you have full rights, but let it out, because nothing good will happen if you keep it in. You'll just keep living the way that you are right now. Is that acceptable? Is that what you really want?” Bon asked.

 _It's not that I hate living, it's just that I hate this life._ Isn't that what I thought before? Something changing, isn't that what I wanted? Damn it, why is it so fucking hard like this? I don't want to live that way but I can't talk about it or make things change. Talking about it will change everything, but it won't change for the better, it'll only get worse. I'm a demon, a monster, and it's in my genes. I can't change that, and my past behaviour will only make them all hate me more, if that's possible.

But I can't be a hypocrite, can I? I wanted things to change, so why? Why am I such a coward? I don't know what to do.

“You all right Okumura?”

“Shut up, you stupid rooster. You're just going to hate me more if I tell you anything, so why can't you just cut your losses?”

“Because I didn't hate you in the first place. I was just frustrated by you trying to do everything all on your own instead of taking the help that was right in front of you. This time, I'm being patient. Yeah, I know you're Satan's son, but so what? I don't like my old man either, and your parents _don't_ define who you are. You do. I hate Satan, not you. Let it out, let me help you. Friends help friends when they have problems, so you should do your share!” Bon explained.

“That's some twisted logic you've got.” I commented.

“Maybe, but it makes sense, doesn't it?” Bon said.

I couldn't say anything. He took my silence as an affirmative.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

Saturday again. Another weekend alone, again. Everything that he's seen and done before, again. Why hasn't anything changed yet? Why hasn't Rin gotten better yet? Why did he have to do this all oer again? Why is he having such a hard time giving in and just accepting that Rin isn't just going to miraculously get better and come running to his younger brother? Why couldn't he just accept and understand that? Why was he standing here, over the sink, and dragging his worn razor across his arm? Why was he still doing this when he knew that it was going to hurt, just like before, and that he wouldn't be any closer to understanding why Rin would do this? Why didn't he just give up?

He was insane. He, Yukio, the genius young exorcist, was insane. Who was he kidding when he thought that he was changing the parameters of the experiment? He was just repeating the same thing, over and over, hoping for a better result, one that he could make sense of and use. Einstein's definition of insanity...

He knew he was insane, so why did he keep doing it? It's not like it's a drug or something, what could possibly be addictive about hurting yourself? The point of pain is to make your body flinch and remove itself from situations that it finds unpleasant or harmful. That's why pain hurts, it's a signal to get away from whatever it is that is harming the body. If that's true, then why does Rin do it? And if that's true, why is he still here, letting his blood drip off his arm and into the cream white sink?

What compelled this action?

Research talks about endorphins and adrenaline. Endorphins are supposed to dull the pain, or at least mute it so that it doesn't bother him so much. Maybe that's what Rin is hooked on? Is he just a natural drug addict? Maybe, but then what about himself? What is this feeling that compels him to return here, day after day, and repeat the same motions? Adrenaline? Supposedly an addictive drug, naturally produced by the body, results from the fight or flight response, causes an accelerated heart rate and heavier breathing, can cause emotional highs. No way, he was not an adrenaline junkie. Maybe Rin though, with all the dangerous stuff he does, does he just need a rush?

What's going on? Yukio can't think anymore.

How did he get through all the craziness and fear that he had to deal with during his exorcist training? He just turned it all off. He wouldn't think, he wouldn't feel, he would just act and observe. Cold, apathetic, stone and steel. He was power, and he could turn off the power that was going toward his emotions and thoughts. Cut it off, and everything becomes easy, everything becomes clear.

The familiar emptiness of sealing away his sensations crept into his body. His mind was clear, there were no distractions, he could only act and observe, all thoughts becoming third person.

And idea occurred to him. What would happen if he tried it in this state? What would happen to his body? His emotions? How would he feel? What physical responses would he show? The only way to know is to test it.

Yukio took the slightly dull razor in his left hand this time, and lowered it toward his right arm. Without pausing or thinking, he pressed it into his skin and pulled it down about two inches. Blood pooled up quickly, and soon overflowed the wound.

Slightly increased heart rate, not significantly enough for observations. No change in breathing pattern. Delayed swelling around the wound. Minor slip in focus, unable to determine if this is due to blood loss, physical shock, or emotional response. Pain level: maybe 1 or 2 out of 10. Interesting. Emotional response: stronger pull of emotions than what is normally experienced in this state, implying that if there was a larger or stronger wound, he would “snap out” of this state.

From this, he could conclude that this act, while in this state, will diminish the physical effects of this action, while the emotional response will be heightened, though still ineffective, probably as a natural self defense mechanism. After all, pain is a stimulus that allows the body to know that something unpleasant and/or unwanted is happening to it.

This is probably not the reason that Rin does it. It seemed unlikely to Yukio that his older brother would be able to force himself into a state of minor dissociation on command just to be able to experience the highs of natural drugs flowing through his system.

Is it possible for him to force himself into a dissociative state by the act itself? Yukio knew that he had trained his mind to force itself into this state whenever he had to deal with something that scared him, or exorcism. The trigger was either fear or duty. For Rin, would this physical stimulus act as a trigger to force himself into such an unfeeling state? A place where his mind had full control over his action and behaviour, instead of his unconscious and his reflexes?

An interesting hypothesis, surely, and one that Yukio had decided to pursue later.

After testing a few more times, the reaction that his body has to adrenaline and endorphins in a dissociative state.

\---

I can feel the weight of the blades in my pocket. They'll surely become familiar as I carry them around with me. I place the plastic shopping bag on the floor. I take it that Bon is still waiting for me to talk, to answer him. I don't want to talk. Sure, his messed up logic makes some sort of sense, but that doesn't mean that I want to talk to him. It's none of his business, he shouldn't care, and I bet this is one of his roundabout ways to try to tell me to stop.

Damn idiot, I told him to listen to my condition. That was the one thing I had said, and he still isn't listening. If he had thought that he was gaining my trust or something, if he thought that he was getting anywhere, then he just set himself back to square zero. All I said was to listen to me, and not to tell me to stop. I'll stop if I want to, but I don't want to. He doesn't get that, and I know that trying to tell him that won't be successful. He can't understand it, so the idea won't be able to sink into his thick skull.

I put my hand in my pocket, reassuring myself that the five blades in my pocket were all still there. Yes, they are.

“What makes you think that I'm going to talk to you?” I questioned.

“What? I'm your friend, Okumura! We've been living together for like 10 days now! Are you saying that you still haven't gotten over it yet?” Bon shouted, exasperated.

“To answer your question, yeah, I've gotten over it. I understand that you aren't trying to hurt me, mock me, or otherwise do anything to bother me. You're trying to be nice, if a little controlling and OCD about my homework. I've gotten over it, because hey, it happened, all that's left is to deal with it, right? But that's not what I was asking. When I ask why you think I'm going to talk to you, what I mean is why do you think I trust you?” I explained, looking up to glare at him.

“We've been living together for 10 freaking days, we're classmates, and as exorcists, it's kind of a requirement that we trust each other. How else can we work together?”

Stupid rooster. “I said I'd gotten over what you did. I never said that I trusted you. And don't expect me to, especially after what you just said.” I said.

“What in the fucking hell are you talking about Okumura? Make some sense.” Bon demanded, a little pissed. Man, it's easy to tick him off.

“Clearly you weren't listening to what I told you in the beginning. I thought you were supposed to be smart.” I replied. Yeah, I'm a smart-ass. I can be pert if I want to.

“I didn't tell you to stop, though! I'm listening to you, just like I said that I would! That's what I'm trying to do right now!”

“Yes, you did, and no you aren't.”

“God! How do you get that?”

“You're telling me to talk it out, in hopes that that will make me see sense and reason and stop, am I wrong? You aren't listening to me at all, because I told you not to tell me what to do, which is exactly what you are doing right now. Shut up right now.” I explained.

“And you said that my logic was twisted.” Bon complained.

“Was I wrong, though? And didn't I tell you to shut up? How about this, shut up or get out!” I replied.

“Then what the hell am I supposed to do?”

“Exactly what I told you to do. Shut up or leave.”

“I don't understand what you're talking about!”

“Fuck you, then. I'm leaving.” I stood up and left, slamming the door behind me.

Now where can I go? I guess I can just wander around outside. It's a nice enough day, and I don't have anywhere else to be. I don't really want to take the stairs in case I run into Yukio, so I guess that leaves the windows. I can climb out the bathroom.

I strode over to the bathroom window, opened it, and vaulted myself out of it. That's plus one reason for being a demon. This type of jump doesn't kill me. It doesn't even hurt me.

I wandered around the building a couple of times, and then took refuge under a tree.

I hate this. I hate feeling like this. I hate everything about me that is such a fuckup that I can't even do anything about anything. I just made Bon mad at me again for no real reason than that what I do is none of his business. No better time than now to test out my new toys.

I felt my pocket again. None of them fell out when I jumped out the window. That's good. I picked one out and tested my thumb against it. It felt pretty sharp, and the blade itself was very solid. I placed it over my left arm, the outside, of course, and pressed pretty hard when I ran it along my skin. It bit pretty deep and I could actually feel it as my skin and underlying fat and muscle layers split apart. The blood came fast and started running on to the ground. I'm sure I'd feel the blood loss if my demon body didn't regenerate so quickly. This one will probably scar. It's deep.

I can feel the frustrations, the stress and tension in my shoulders, everything released with the injury, and I can breath again. It's not so bad. I hate it all, but it all feels manageable again.

Now I think of the tree. Poor thing, now it has demon blood mixed in with its food. Poor grass too. I hope that my blood doesn't affect it too badly. I'd hate for something as innocent as a tree to suffer by my hand.

And now I'm caring about a tree and some grass like they're people. Shit, I must be going insane. What the hell is so wrong with me? I almost wish that I could trust people again, at least enough to feel like this isn't necessary. Like it was before. I want everything to be like it was before when they didn't know anything about me, and I could pretend like I was happy because I had people that I could consider friends for the first time in my life.

I just want to go back to that. I want to be able to stop and put my toys away forever, but I won't. They're a part of me, a part of my life, and I can't get rid of the only friends that have never betrayed me. Sad isn't it? My best friends ever are pieces of metal. Hah! I really am a loser. No wonder no one would want to be around me. I'm a demon, and a pathetic loser whose only friends are small objects with sharp edges, meant to cause me harm.

I'm pretty fucked up, aren't I?

I sighed and replaced the small blade. I think pencil sharpeners are my new favourite. I can feel the ache from the wound I just caused, and it's not that unpleasant. It hasn't stopped bleeding yet, and I can feel it. I think I like my new toys. It'll ache for a while, and for a while, I'll be able to breathe.

I leaned against the tree and closed my eyes. I let out a breath, and forced myself to relax, at least as much as I can. Maybe I'm running away from everything, but I don't fucking care. _I don't fucking care anymoooore._ Ah, Reel Big Fish. A band I can dive into sometimes to keep my mind out of this space it's in now. Listen to the quick beat, the high brass, and lyrics that I can't relate to at all. It's kind of nice.

I let my arm rest off to the side, letting my blood flow to the ground. I can't stain my clothes. Blood is fucking hard to get out.

I heard some soft footsteps behind me. A few twigs snapped as the person stepped on them. This person is walking towards me. The footsteps are getting louder and closer. Thirty feet, twenty feet, ten, and they stop.

“Is that you, Okumura? What are you doing out here?”

\---

Song credit: Nothin' by Reel Big Fish


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

There were three short raps on the door. Yukio turned, mildly curious as to who would be in the dormitory at this time of day. Rin supposedly didn't want to see him, and Suguro wouldn't give up his pride and ask for help dealing with Rin. If not any of that, who would possibly want to see him? Why was there even another person here in the first place?

“Oi, Yukio! Opens the damn door or I'm gonna break it down on yer four-eyed chicken self.”

Yukio realized who it was and a knot started forming in the pit of his stomach. If he wasn't in such a detached state at the moment, he might have started actually panicking. As it was, he was just mildly concerned about how to clean this mess up and cover his arms before Shura barged in.

He quickly turned the taps on to full power to wash the blood out, and stuck his arms beneath the water to clean off some of the congealed blood. At least it would be less likely to stain his clothes. Why did he have to pick today of all days to wear a white shirt?

That's right. He wasn't expecting company.

“Yukio, what're ya doing in there? I'm gonna give ya fifteen seconds ta answer me before I just come in. Make sure ya've at lease got yer pants on.” Shura warned.

Yukio scrubbed the blood off of his arms and dried them on his pants. They were black, they could handle it. The sink was clean, but his arms were still spotting a little bit. He grabbed some toilet paper, wadded it over each arm, and just had enough time to pull down his sleeves when the door slammed open.

“Yukio! What'er ya doing ignoring me like that? I'm yer superior, yer elder, and yer partner for the next mission! Why weren't ya answering the door?” Shura exclaimed.

“Is it my fault that you caught me on the toilet?” Yukio asked, “Also, what mission would you be talking about?”

“The one to Kyoto, dumbass!”

“Excuse me, but I don't know what you're talking about. I haven't been briefed for any mission to Kyoto.” Yukio folded his arms over his chest. He could feel the new marks he'd made, and it wasn't entirely unpleasant.

“That's 'cause ya skipped out on the meeting that we just had!”

“The meeting?”

“Weren't ya paying attention? There was supposed to be a meeting today for all exorcists in the nearby cities ranked lower middle class and higher. It was discussing various jobs for the problems in Kyoto. We've got a nasty one this time. Someone's after the eyes of the Impure King.” Shura explained.

“I see.”

“And you and me have been assigned to watch over the exwires. This'll be their first real mission, doing odd jobs and taking care of the injured and the like, and since I'm Rin's trainer, and you're his brother, as well as a doctor, we're the ones in charge of them.”

“That makes sense. Very well, I'll see you when we depart. When is that?” Yukio asked.

“Tomorrow at noon. And I'm not leaving just yet. We two have a little something to chat about.” Shura said.

“Oh really? I can't think of anything that we need to discuss at the moment. Are you sure you're not just trying to be nosy, getting into someone else's business for the fun of it?”

“There is one thing that we definitely need to discuss, and I'm not going ta put up with any of yer bullshit, ya got that?”

“Maybe if you'd explain to me what you were talking about, I'd have the slightest understanding.” Yukio said, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose with his left hand.

Shura suddenly grabbed his arm.

“What are you doing? Let go of me!” Yukio shouted. Shura looked him right in the eye and pulled down his sleeve, never breaking eye contact. The wadded toilet paper fell to the floor, flecks of red marking the plain white tissue.

“Care to explain?”

“I don't think there is any need to. I'm sure you're intelligent enough to recognize what you see. It's an injury. The skin is open and it is bleeding. I was trying to stop the bleeding when you came in here. Surely, after years of being an exorcist, you should know what a wound looks like. Surely you know that to treat a wound, it has to be cleaned, and the blood needs to be forced to stop.” Yukio explained.

“What the hell, Yukio! I don't expect this kind of behaviour from you!”

“I don't understand what you mean.”

“Self injury! I mean, I knew you were a coward and all, but I didn't think you'd really stoop to this level just because you can't see yer brother for a couple weeks. I was just trying ta prove his suspicions wrong, so I could tell him yer fine and he could cheer up a little. Not ta mention we are gonna be partners in this mission, and I need to know yer current physical and mental health status to be able to work with you properly, and possibly request a transfer for one or both of us.”

“This isn't self injury.” Yukio stated coldly. It was only then that Shura noticed his monotone and blank stare. It was like his mind wasn't even in the room, his body just acting on autopilot.

“If this isn't self injury, then tell me what it is.”

“It's research, an experiment. I'm learning. I am trying to understand why my brother does this by attempting it myself. It's all science. Emotions don't come into play here. Self injury implies that the person is doing themselves harm because they are emotionally overloaded, or far too emotionally detached. At least, those are the common connotations associated with the concept. I am doing this for science, therefore making it an entirely different process.” Yukio explained, still in his monotone.

“Like hell it is, Yukio. You hurt yourself, it's self injury, simple as that. And as if emotions don't come into play. Why would you be “studying” as you call it, if you didn't care about your brother?”

“I'm not sure. But it feels like I should be doing it this way. That's all I know.” Yukio answered.

Shura sighed angrily. “Come here ya bratty four-eyes. I'm gonna fix this up, you're gonna quit what yer doing, and I'm not gonna tell Rin or Mephisto about this. Yer gonna go back to yer normal self, and we'll never have to speak or hear of this again. You got me? You are gonna quit this right now. You are not going down that road.”

“I don't understand your problem.”

Shura sighed again. “You don't have to. Just know that we don't just care about the one son of Satan. Both of you are equally important. Now I'm gonna dress this up, and I'm gonna leave, and I expect ta see you at the train tomorrow with all the exwires and acting like yer normal self. If yer not, I might just have ta tell the higher ups so that you can solve this problem of yers.”

“Don't worry. There will be no need for that. I'll be fine.”

“Dear god, Yukio, I hope so.”

\---

“Is that you, Okumura? What are you doing out here?”

“I live out here. I should be asking you the same question.” I replied. No one comes out here, these dormitories are supposedly abandoned.

“I was just collecting some fungi samples for my biology class. I figured the edge of the woods here might have what I was looking for.” she replied.

“Ah, I guess it would.”

“You wouldn't happen to know of any good rocks or trees that might have some interesting plants for me, would you?”

“No. I don't really explore much.”

“Oh? Then why come out here? You don't really look like you're relaxing, if the look on your face is much to go by.”

“Paku, why are you trying to get into my business?” I asked harshly.

“Because you look like you could desperately use a friend, and not one who will make a big deal of the mess on your arm. If you'd like me to leave you alone, I can do that too.” Paku answered.

“No, it's okay.” I said, “I'm not mad at you or anything, I'm just stressed out right now. I didn't mean to take it out on you.”

“Don't worry about it. I'm friends with Izumo, after all. I've gotta have some tolerance for mood swings and very forward behaviour, whether or not it's directed at me.” Paku giggled as she sat down beside me. What is it with girls and giggling?

“Yeah, well, she's the one who's been the best so far. People keep trying to talk to me and pry into my business, but she – well, I don't know – she did something right. She didn't bug me, she just let me talk it out, you know? And she explained some things to me that I really hadn't thought about before and told me about you and her and why she's okay and how things can work but I don't know if I can really believe it and everything's just so confusing right now especially with Bon and his homework and talking and trying to force me to talk even after I told him that my only condition was not to tell me to stop!” I ranted. I felt a tear sting my eye and I wiped it away. “Sorry about the rant. That probably didn't make any sense.”

“It's okay. Did Izumo really tell you about her and me? She must really care about you if she was willing to talk about how the two of us became friends. I'm assuming that that's what you were referring to?” Paku asked.

“Mhm.” I nodded.

“Well, she's not much of a talker, and she really hates talking about herself. Her past wasn't all that easy, from what she's told me. Even I don't really know anything about it. But you and her, you have enough in common. I guess she could relate to how you're feeling right now. I know that she still remembers how hard it is, so she was probably trying to comfort you in the same way that she needed it way back then. Once you've experienced that type of pain, I'd imagine it's hard to wish it on others, especially on those you call friends.”

“I guess so. I think you're right. Comfort doesn't necessarily come from talking it out, but knowing that someone's there, right? Even if they don't know anything, just that they're willing to sit there and chat about nothing, or sit and do nothing, or ignore each other while being in the same room just because they can, it's comforting. Just being around people and not expecting anything bad to happen, it's a nice feeling. No worry, no dread that you're going to do something stupid, or that someone's going to treat you unkindly for something that you can't control, just feeling safe is wonderful.”

“So you don't feel safe around the other exwires?” Paku asked.

“Not really. Before they learned that I was Satan's son, I was afraid that they'd all shun me if they learned that I was a demon. Back then, I just tried to be friendly, happy, and stay in their good books, never saying too much or talking about anything personal, just getting by. After they found out, They shunned me. At least I thought they did, apparently their view is different. Now I'm just afraid of hurting them because I can't control my flames properly. I did manage to control them earlier, so maybe I shouldn't be so scared of that, but I also know that they did completely shut me out once. Who's to say that they won't do it again? What if they decide they hate me again? I don't know if I'll be able to handle it.” I explained.

“I guess that explains your tail, then.” Paku commented.

“My tail?”

“Yeah, you never did tell me that you were half demon, or talk about either of your parents before. I quit the cram school before that was revealed. I suppose that's how you were able to keep the demon off of Izumo and me that day in the girls bathroom.”

“Oh, yeah, I guess so. Aren't you scared of me?”

“Why should I be. You're a very kind person, Okumura. I know you wouldn't hurt anyone. I don't think you could hurt anyone you cared about, even if you tried.”

“But you haven't seen me lose control. I almost hurt Shiemi. Shura had to knock me out to take me down. I don't ever want that to happen again.” I said.

“But you just said that you were able to control your flames, your powers, I assume.” I looked up. Where was she going with this? “And from what you just said, I know that you're a good person. If you can control them, and if you don't wish to harm any of your friends, then shouldn't your flames respond to that? Shouldn't they all be safe from you now?” Paku asked

“I've only done it once. I can't know for sure.” I said

“Then show me. Try it again. Do it twice, and that should be plenty of proof for you. It'll show you that you can control them for real. Not to mention I want to see what they look like. Are they blue like Satan? If so, I bet they'll be really pretty.” Paku said. It made me smile.

“Well, I can try, but I want you to stand far away, you know, just in case.” I walked around the base of the tree and picked up three short sticks. I then shoved the sticks into the ground to be just like the candles. “My training is to light the tips of the two on the outside without burning the middle one. They both have to be lit at the same time. I normally work with candles, but sticks should be fine. They'll just need slightly more power. Now you back up like, twenty feet, okay? I don't want you to get hurt if I screw up.”

“Don't worry about it, Okumura, but I can back up if you wish.”

“Thanks.” I said. I focussed my thought, just like with the pencil sharpener. I have one try, and I can't mess it up. If I do, I'll forever be shamed, condemned, and I'll have failed in front of the only one person who believes in me right now. Come on, sticks, just the tips, light for me.

The left and right sticks were burning like soft blue candles, and the middle one stayed cold. I did it.

“That's amazing, Okumura! And it's beautiful, too. I love it.”

“Thanks, Paku.”

“Now don't you go feeling bad anymore. You did great, and I know the exwires. They don't hate you, they just don't know what to do. Give them a chance. Give them a little time to work it through, and while they're doing that, show them all just how much you can do. Prove it to them, make them believe. You're a great person, you know, and I'm sure that they all see that.”

“Thanks Paku, and you can just call me Rin if you want to.”

“Sure, Rin. Just don't forget what I said, okay? Give them a chance, they'll come around. And I'm always free to talk to too, alright? If you ever need to get something off your chest, I'm just a walk across campus away.”

“Thanks, I'll remember that.” I said, feeling a lot lighter than I had earlier. “Oh, and if you need good fungi, try the southern edge of the forest. I know moss and stuff likes to grow southwards.”

“Thanks Rin, I'll look there. And you might want to hide your arm. It looks like there's someone headed this way from the dorms.”

“Is it Bon?” I asked nervously.

“No, it looks like a woman. She has pink hair-”

“That's Shura. You're right, I should probably clean up. Have a good rest of your day.” I said.

“You too, and I'll see you around!” Paku waved as she walked away.

I headed back to my tree and tried wiping my arm on the grass. It wasn't terribly effective, but it did something.

“Oi, Rin! Come back to the dorms with me! I gotta talk ta ya about something!” Shura called from a distance.

“Yeah, I'm coming!” I called back. I wonder what she wants. I hope it isn't bad. I hope she doesn't want to talk about what she's sure to see on my arm. She told me to relax and all, and I couldn't. I don't need her mad at me too.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

“So Todo has betrayed the True Cross and stolen the left eye of the Impure King. He has allowed himself to become a demon and Mephisto believes that he will be going after the right eye next. The right eye is in Kyoto, and it is said to be housed at the temple run by Suguro's father. Several of the people that inhabit the temple have already gotten sick from the miasma that leaks from the eye, and my job is to watch over the exwires as we provide treatment for the sick and injured.” Yukio read from the memo he received. “Also, I need to keep an eye on Okumura Rin so that he doesn't burst into flames, expose his secret, and lose control, and kill everyone. This'll be an interesting trip.”

Yukio looked around his room, deciding what he should pack. A mission like this one, especially one involving a betrayal of one of their own members, would probably take a couple of weeks. That means clothes, toiletries, his weapons, his medical supplies, three extra pairs of glasses, and... Did he really want to bring the blade? He needed to help his brother, and taking a break from the research could mean that he'd have to begin again, if his sample, himself, got spoiled.

On the other hand, if Shura caught him again, the consequences would be very unpleasant. If she ended up telling Mephisto, if his health “status” got out to all of the exorcists, he wouldn't be taken seriously anymore, not to mention all of the lectures and the talks that he'd have to suffer through for no reason. It wouldn't be fun at all.

But that's only if he gets caught.

Yukio smiled at the thought. Could he really do it? Yes, probably. He knew that he could get away with fooling people with his attitude. He doesn't really talk to people, except for what directly concerns the mission, so not talking won't seem out of the ordinary. He always looks serious and emotionless, so being in some sort of dissociative state won't make him seem too different, except to Shura. If it's only Shura that he's concerned about, all he has to do is keep talking about mission-related topics, his brother, and give her the occasional taunt. Even in such and unfeeling emotional state, he felt that he could pull it off. It was all calculated like this, then it wouldn't matter if he wasn't going to use his emotions. All he had to do was act like they were there. It wouldn't be too hard. All he had to do was smile, and people would think that he's doing fine.

A smile is an easy manipulation tool.

Is that what Rin thought when he was hiding all of the self harm from him?

\---

I am so screwed when I get back to the dorm. Shura's gonna see what I did to my arm, and she's totally gonna chew me out for it. She told me to relax, to behave myself, not to stress myself out over anything, and to just not hurt myself for a night. She believed in me, and I failed her and now it's all gonna suck because she's not gonna let this go as soon as she finds out. I'm such a dumbass.

Well, if she's gonna lecture me anyways, one more to help me deal with it won't hurt.

I took one of the blades out of my pocket and ran it along the outside of my left arm. Not deep enough to scar, just enough to bleed a little. Maybe I can say that I fell out of a tree? Eh, doesn't really matter that much. She'll think what she thinks, whatever excuse I try to give her.

And now I'm here. I know that Shura's waiting for me just inside, so I guess this is it. Time to get this over with.

I opened the door. “Shura, I'm-”

“Hey. We've got a mission. Pack yer stuff, 'cause we're leaving tomorrow morning. Also clean up that mess on yer arms. I wanna talk to ya a little before ya start packing, and I don't wanna let that get infected or anything while we sit here.” Shura instructed.

“Thanks, I'll be back in a few minutes.” I bowed, turned and left. Well, I guess I know what she thinks. She doesn't even want to hear the excuses. I guess being outed means that I've lost my right to being believed when I'm trying to give excuses. Not just the right to being believed. But my right to give an excuse at all. I sighed. I guess that's fair enough, but it still hurts to think that she can't trust me anymore.

I went into the bathroom and started scrubbing the dried blood off of my arms. A minute later, they were clean and only spotting the blood. Good enough. Guess I have to go back and face the music. I sighed again.

“Hey, I'm back.” I said to a half-asleep Shura. Why is she always so tired in the middle of the day?

“Hey yerself. We've got a mission. We're gonna be going to a temple in Kyoto and all of you exwires are going to be running errands for people in the temple. Collecting herbs, helping with medical treatments, possibly preparing lunch boxes, that sort of stuff. You aren't going to be doing any fighting, not if we can help it, anyways. Mostly, yer just going to be taking care of the sick, and I'm supposed ta be watching you specifically so that you don't go and burst into flames and start killing people. We leave tomorrow on the 12 o'clock train.” Shura explained.

“Okay. I have a couple of questions though. The first one, well, if we're going to Kyoto, does that mean we'll get to see the Kyoto Tower?” I asked. I really hope I get to see it. I've always wanted to visit the Kyoto Tower.

“No. We're there for a mission, not for sightseeing. Do you have any serious questions?”

“Yeah, sorry. The other question is why are the people sick? Why are we going to Kyoto?”

“The left eye of the Impure King has been stolen. He's a powerful demon, when summoned, and the eyes leak a miasma that is extremely toxic to humans. The right eye is in a temple in Kyoto, and we need to protect it so that it doesn't fall into the hands of the traitor who stole the left eye. It takes both eyes to summon the Impure King, and he can't do it with only one. Since you exwires aren't fit for battle yet, you'll be helping the doctors with treatments. And you specifically will have to take an hour or two every day to keep up yer training with yer flames.” Shura explained.

“Okay. But what about when I can control them?”

“We'll get to that when that happens.”

“Oh, alright then.” I looked down. I can't tell her yet. What if I disappoint her? And can she really trust my word right now? I mean, I might not even trust me right now.

“You doin' okay, Rin?” she asked.

“I'm fine.”

“Yeah, _fine._ I really believe that. Tell me what's goin' on. 'Cause whatever yer doin' right now ta help yerself, it ain't workin'. Maybe I can help ya out?”

“No, I'm okay. It's no one's business, and it's no one else's problem. I'll deal with it, just like I always have. If I can't figure out something as easy as this on my own, Can I really think about being an exorcist?” I asked.

“Maybe. But ya know, the thing about being an exorcist is that we never fight alone. We are _always_ on a team with someone else, because that's the only way that we're going to survive. If you can't trust a teammate, that's the same as signing a death contract, and I know that you don't wanna do that. If you did, then who's gonna kick Satan's ass?”

“Bon.”

“Aren't you gonna beat him to it?”

“Aren't you going to lecture me?” I shouted, staring into Shura's eyes. Why hasn't she tried talking to me about it yet? Why is she stalling? This is so frustrating!

“Do ya want me to? I can lecture ya about how stupid yer being right now, but I think ya already know that, and you don't need to hear it from me. What would that accomplish?”

“I-I don't know.” I looked down.

“I think I know, though. You want me to yell at you because you want someone to tell you what's right and what's wrong. You want someone to tell you that hurtin' yerself when yer upset is a horrible thing to do so that you can either keep doin' it and prove them wrong, or take it as a reason to give up. Either way, the reasoning behind that is stupid. If yer gonna stop, all I can do is encourage it, not throw it in yer face. Get over it.”

I have to think about that. Is she right? Well, no, I don't want her to lecture me. Definitely not for the reasons she just said. It's totally wrong! I'm not spiteful like that, and I'm not just doing it for attention. She's wrong. But is she right about her side? All she can do is encourage me and hope I quit on my own? I guess so, that's the way it should be. But I'm not going to quit. I don't think I can quit. Not forever.

“Do I need to get over it?” I asked.

“Is that even a question?”

“Yes. Do I need to get over it? Usually people only need to “get over” something because it's a problem. But it's not a problem. If it were a problem, then it would be causing me harm. Since it helps me, I say it's not a problem.”

“And I say that it is. How does it not hurt you? If it hurts, and if it bleeds, then yes, it's hurting you. It's that simple.”

“But it helps me!”

“How? Tell me so I get it.”

“Because it-” I paused. Does she think I'm stupid? “I don't need to talk it out because it's not a problem. You aren't going to trick me into it.”

Shura sighed. “I'm just tryin' ta help you, Rin. I don't wanna see you go down a bad path, especially when I coulda done somethin' ta help you out. Sorry if that speech annoyed you or anything, but I think you really need to talk it out with someone.”

“I'll be fine. I always have been.”

“Just as fine as Yukio?”

“Nothing's wrong with Yukio. He's an amazing person, he's always been better than me, in everything. I still want to protect him, but I don't think that he really needs my help with anything outside of fights.”

“You sure about that?”

“No, but you can stop getting into our business!”

“I think you need to talk to him.”

“That's none of your business!”

“Maybe not, but I think I know more about our four-eyed chicken than you'd think. Try talking it out with him. Yer bound to learn something.”

“You don't need to tell me what to do. Yukio is _my_ brother.”

I know. That doesn't mean that I can't try to help him too.”

“I'll see you tomorrow, Shura.” I turned to walk away when she grabbed my shoulder.

“Hey, just relax. Take it easy, calm yerself down, and we'll meet up tomorrow. Try to get some practicing in, and I _really_ don't want to hear from Suguro that you've gone and done this again. Not tonight. Just try?”

“No promises. And it's none of your business.”

I walked away quickly.

\---

How was he ever going to get Rin to talk it out? The brat was way too stubborn about all of this. Why won't he walk about why the whole concept of friendship bothers him so much? It just doesn't make any sense. He's hurting, he has friends, why not take advantage of the help that they're offering?

Did he hate them all that much for ignoring him for the better part of a month? Well, Bon wouldn't blame him if he did, but it still didn't make sense to him. Friends help each other. Teamwork and cooperation are the best ways to get through any tough situation.

Maybe he should talk to Izumo again. She seemed to know what she was doing. And she also seemed to be hiding some sort of secret of her own. Bon can see her posturing because he postures. Because he also postures, he can understand the basics of the motives behind it. She said that she can understand Rin for the same reasons that he can understand the posturing, so that means that she must have tried the whole self-harm thing at some point. The question is why? And does she still do it?

That's why he needs to talk to her. He needs help figuring out Rin so that one, he can help the kid out, and two, so that he can move back to his room. He has to help Rin and Yukio fix up their problems, and then he can move out. To do that, he needs an expert among their group of friends to at least give him some direction. That expert is Izumo, and she needs to do her part in helping the team.

Bon decided that, once he knows what he plans to do, he can get the other exwires in on it, they can carry out the plan, and finally, they can get this whole mess behind them and start working as a team. That's what friends do. They help each other.

The only problem would be Izumo. Cooperation and sharing don't seem to be her thing. Once he breaks down her wall, maybe they could get somewhere.

Rin burst into the room.

“Hey. Sorry about bothering you earlier, but we will talk it out eventually.” Bon said.

“What's with everyone and trying to talk to me!” Rin shouted.

“Hey, calm down. I'm not forcing anything out of you right now, so don't take it out on me.”

“But you started it all!”

“ _I_ started it?”

“Yes! You were the first one to try to talk to me and the only person who did anything right was Paku!”

“Paku? When did you see her?”

“When I was outside. She was walking around, and we talked a little bit. It was nice.”

“Yeah? What did she do right?”

“She listened. And she didn't tell me to stop.”

Rin flopped on his bed and turned towards the wall. Bon knew he wasn't getting any more answers tonight. At least he had something new to think about. Paku listened. Paku didn't tell him to stop. Is that really all it would take?


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

Shiemi walked into car 4 of the Kyoto-bound train. She knew that all of the exwires would be going to Kyoto to aid the doctor class exorcists in providing treatment for the sick and wounded, but the thought might not have been completely understood. All exwires meant _all_ exwires, including Rin who is still, for now, an exwire.

Shiemi was shocked to see him sitting near the front of the car.

“Shiemi, did you get vaccinated?” Shura asked, appearing behind her.

“Vaccinated?”

“Demons that possess fungi may have infested our destination. They're vaccinating the exwires in car 3.”

“Oh, okay...”

“Shiemi! Good morning!” Rin called from his seat.

She couldn't speak. She didn't know what to do. Shiemi stood there silently for a few seconds before turning to walk back into car 3 to get vaccinated. She bumped into the Kyoto trio at the door and said her good mornings.

“Hey guys! It's good to see you this morning!” Rin called to the three guys making their way into the car.

The three just walked by, with Konekomaru ducking his head as he walked by, and Shima poking him to tell him to stop being so obvious. The three took the seats behind Rin, and Konekomaru began talking about how Rin could go wild at any time and hurt them all.

Rin stared towards the floor with a sad look in his eyes.

\---

Why are they acting like I'm a wild beast? I mean, I guess Bon and Shima aren't really saying anything, but they aren't stopping it either. And Bon wants me to trust him, yeah right. I guess it makes sense though, it's a pretty natural reaction. I am a demon after all. I'm just so horrible that Shiemi can't even look me in the eyes anymore. She can't bring herself to even say “hello” or “good morning” when I greet her. Have I really sunk that low? Am I really that awful? I was just trying to be nice, but I guess when you're a demon like I am, it doesn't really matter what you try to do. Whatever you tried to do is replaced with what you are. As a demon, I am less than scum, I am a horrid creature, and I can't afford to be trusted, or even acknowledged kindly.

THUNK!!

Izumo is sitting next to me? I can't help but stare at her.

“What?” she asked

“Oh, it's just-”

“Is everyone here? We're leaving now.” Shura called, “I am the one forced to lead this group. My name is Shura Kirigakure. The exorcist Saburota Todo has stolen the left eye of the Impure King and has already attempted to get the right eye from a temple in Kyoto. His accomplices, their names and their numbers, are unknown. Many people were injured and/or fell ill during his first attempt to get the right eye. The mission that you exwires are given is to assist the doctor class exorcists in treatment of the wounded, and running errands to help keep the temple operational whilst we are in Kyoto. Now, I want everyone to work together. Make this easy for me...” Shura trailed off at the end, and proceeded to fall asleep in her seat. That was a fairly short briefing. I thought they'd be longer than that...

So why is Izumo sitting next to me?

“Aren't you scared of me?” I asked.

“Ha! Of you? No. Maybe you don't know, but there are _tons_ of people with demon blood, and many are exorcists. It's common knowledge. And I thought I proved to you a week ago that I was fine with you.”

“I guess you did... but really? There are lots of other exorcists with demon's blood?”

“The only problem is that you're _Satan's_ child. You just need to prove yourself, so don't flip out like an idiot over every little thing and you'll be fine.”

Of _course_ it's because I'm Satan's child. Being a demon is fine, just not Satan. That makes me feel so much better about this. Well, at least Izumo's trying to be nice to me...

“Really, you think so?” I smiled, “Thanks Izumo.”

“Right. Just don't chicken out when it counts. I _hate_ cowards like that.”

Oh crap. Now Bon's gonna start another fight. They're shouting at each other and I'm right in the middle again. Maybe it's okay this way? They can take they're anger out and the one most likely to get hurt is me. Since I'm a demon anyways, it shouldn't matter. I'm just in the way, but if I can be used for something, then I might as well do it. Even if it's something like being in the way while two people who both try to tell me that I can be their friend are fighting. Even if it hurts me.

In the end, I guess that's the only real consequence. And hurting me is fine. It's normal, it's routine, and even if it's not in the form I prefer, I still feel comforted by it. I know how to deal with being hurt, no matter how much I hate it.

And now we've all got Bariyon demons on our laps. Why did those two have to wake up Shura with their yelling? This is just like before and they still haven't learned. I want to sigh, but I realize that that would be hypocritical. People don't just change because you want them to or because you feel that they're repeating some mistake that you believe they are smart enough to avoid. I don't want to be a hypocrite. What they're doing now is kind of analagous to the mess I got myself into with Yukio. I really hope that he's okay...

“If he acts up, our lives are in _danger!_ ” Konekomaru shouted. So it's back to me again? I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

No! Konekomaru's Bariyon just jumped on to Shiemi's back! I've learned how to control my flames now! I can just blast it off and then they can trust me! I'll save her!

I sent the flames around both of them. I can feel the Bariyon burning up. I'm doing it! I'm burning it, but Shiemi's still fine! She isn't screaming, so it's okay. A hand grabs my shoulder and I'm startled out of my thoughts. My flames disappear in an instant.

“Stop it! What do you think you're doing?” Bon shouted at me.

“I was doing fine! You just gotta trust me!”

“Like hell! Whaddya call all this?” Bon spread his arms, gesturing for me to look around. I see the train seats burning. Shit. I fucked up.

“Don't overreact! Rin didn't...” I stopped listening to what Shiemi was saying. I fucked it all up, so what does it matter anymore. Izumo's putting out the fire with some demon wine that she summoned, and I just get to stand here and feel like crap. 

These are the same pants I was wearing yesterday, right? I feel my pocket. Yeah, these are the same pants. I can just forget all of these shitty feelings shortly.

“I think I've gotta go...” I said as I walked towards the end of the car with the toilet.

The Bariyon's started jumping, and Shura came out of nowhere and smashed them with her sword. Her hand clamped my shoulder a bit too tightly.

“You are not going where I think yer going. Got it?” Shura whispered in my ear.

“Just the toilet.” I whispered back.

“ _Bullshit._ You are staying here if I have any say in the matter.”

“You lot're a rotten bunch, ya know that? Ya can't even handle a pipsqueak like this! Learn to work together or yer all gonna get yerselves killed in the field. We're gonna be there soon so just sit tight. No more fighting, and think about how yer gonna handle yerselves when we get there. If you can't be a team in a safe setting like this, how can we expect ya to do anything different when we're in a life or death situation?” Shura scolded us. We deserve it all. And I wish I could sneak off to the toilet to use the new friends that I have hidden in my pocket. I guess it's not so great to have people know your secret bad habits after all.

\---

Tracking down Todo hasn't been going so well for Yukio. While he is assigned to watch the exwires, that is not until after they arrive in Kyoto. Until then, he is with the team that is tracking Todo with one of Shura's snake familiars.

They had managed to track down the van that Todo had been travelling in, but the only thing to be found in that vehicle was an excess of the miasma and fungus that results from contamination by the Impure King. After all of that time the group had spent tracking, following, and searching, the efforts were worthless. He had failed to accomplish the mission, and now he has to go back, report it, then deal with the never-ending problems that are the exwires. Today is just a bad day.

But maybe he could make it right? He could still do the tests that he needs to do today, to keep up with his research. And maybe this whole chase wasn't a waste of time after all. Being in a team of three members for the tracking means that one person sits behind the other two while they drive back. So long as he is quiet and careful, he figured that he could get away with experimenting literally behind their backs.

So long as he sits in the back seat, of course.

And this opportunity could provide an insight into his research. He can attempt the experiment in a less controlled setting with a significantly higher stress level, as well as other reasons for feeling upset at the moment. A hunter is never satisfied when his prey escapes. Yukio is never happy to fail a mission. This small experiment in the back of the car is just an exercise in what happens when such a task it attempted in anticipation of events to come, which are extremely unfavourable to the person involved. Instead of attempting this in after the events, he can attempt this beforehand. There might be a difference. After all, one of the worst parts of giving failure reports is not the fact that it is a failure, it is the anticipation of having to tell superiors that you have failed.

Time to test this out. “We've found nothing here. It's a dead lead. We should probably head back to the inn and the temple so regroup and discuss further plans, as well as report our findings.” Yukio stated to the other two members of his team.

They agreed and the group was quickly on their way.

Almost smiling, Yukio sat in the back as his teammate started the car and they headed back. He carefully and quietly lifted the short blade out of the pocket that he had hidden it in. He didn't really know why he had decided to put it in his pocket. Maybe because he felt safer with it on his person? Nonsense when he has two pistols. He decided that it was probably likely that he just didn't want anyone else to have the chance of finding it with his belongings. No one has a valid reason to search his person, after all.

With the small blade poised in between his fingertips, Yukio traced a thin line that went halfway around the outside of his arm, almost looking like a bracelet or tattoo. Blood welled up slowly in the wound, and Yukio felt a little bit of the pressure in his chest lift. It rose slowly until he felt that breathing was easier than it ever had been before.

Slipping the blade back into his pocket and rolling down his sleeve, Yukio breathed in deeply and let it out.

Even if it didn't make sense, he felt a little better. His teammates didn't think twice about the sigh-like breath coming from the member behind them.

Just releasing like that, it was easy. Did he really think releasing? Why? Where did the thought come from? How could that be explained?


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

“Hey! It's Bon! And Konekomaru and Renzo are with him! Welcome back, you guys!” Some of the people from the inn greeted.

“No! I'm not back for a visit! I'm here as an exwire!” Bon shouted to them, “Hey! Listen to me!”

“Ryuji!” the woman down the hall called, “You dyed your hair! Are you trying to be a _CHICKEN_ when you grow up? Didn't you say you'd never come back here?” She seemed angry now.

“Yeah, well the order just happened to book us here! And did you just call me a chicken? It represents my dedication!” Bon replied, just as angrily.

“Dedication? You used to be handsome!” the woman then turned to Konekomaru and Shima, “Neko, Renzo! I'm so glad you're back safe and sound. I bet babysitting Ryuji was hard. Oh my, where are my manners? A pleasure to make all of your acquaintance. I'm Ryuji's mother! Thank you for looking after my son.” The woman beamed at all of us. I guess I know now where Bon gets his weird mood swings from. This woman went from curious to angry to happy to modest in less than two minutes!

After a couple of pokes at Bon and a short word with Shima's dad, we were sent off to our tasks. There really are a lot of sick people. This isn't going to be easy.

“Your job is simply serving the herbal tea that they're making in the kitchen to counteract the poison, and replacing the drip bags when they run low.” One of the exorcists explained.

“Yes sir!” we all replied.

I turned to follow the exwires, but a tug on my collar stopped me. “Whoops, not _you_ Okumura.”

“Then what should I do?” I asked.

“Pick up... trash?” The exorcist said. He walked away quickly.

There is no trash here. It's spotless! Just a couple of random stray hairs, not even enough dirt to be able to sweep off of the floor. I guess I should just ask another exorcist if they need help with anything.

And after sending me from one exorcist to another until I got back to the same guy, I feel completely worthless. Am I really so bad that I'm not even worth giving the menial slave-type tasks to? That I can't do something as simple as fetch herbs for them or something? Or carry food out? Or fold laundry? I guess there's really nothing for me to do here...

“Hey you! Gimme a hand, would ya?” A voice called. I glanced around briefly, but I didn't see anyone else. Was he calling me?

“Yeah, sure! I'll help!” I can finally do something useful!

I ran over to where I heard the voice. “Watermelons! Those sure look good.” I commented.

“They're perfectly ripe too. Those melons are for the patients, but you can have some if you help me cut them up.” The man smiled. He was short, bald, and... drunk?

“Have you been drinking?” I asked.

“Oh, it's just for the heat. I heard that we got reinforcements that came in from Tokyo. You must be a student at the cram school. What's your name?” He asked.

Damn. He's about to hate me too, now. “Rin Okumura.” I answered, not looking up from teh watermelon that I was chopping.

“Oh, so you're...”

“And who are you?” I cut him off. I don't want him to get too far with that train of thought. Might as well enjoy the company of a man who doesn't hate me yet, even if the only reason he doesn't hate me is because he's had too much alcohol to process my name yet.

“I'm Ryuji Suguro's father”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously. We look alike, don't we?” he asked, “Do you and Ryuji get along?”

“Uh, we've been fighting.” I don't really want to have to explain any details if I don't have to. Technically, it's not a lie.

“Oh? I'm also fighting with him. What a coincidence.” The man looked way too happy right now. What kind of father would be _happy_ about a fight with his son?

“He's a good guy. I guess I wish we could get along.” Although I know that that's never going to happen.

“Yeah, so do I. Look, you're already finished with the chopping! Why don't you go pass it out to the patients?”

“Why don't you pass it out yourself?” I asked as I looked up. I saw Bon's dad stumbling away.

He turned back to look at me, “I'm glad we met! Let's talk again sometime.”

I picked up the tray of watermelon and decided to just do what he asked. It's something that I can do to occupy my time, as well as something that I can do to help out.

Unfortunately, I just _had_ to pick the room with the fighting families first. I should probably move on...

But the Kyoto trio just have to pop in and break it up before storming away again. Bon looks really angry, and I hope he's alright. Why is no one in this temple happy with each other? I guess no one is going to be in the mood for this watermelon.

\---

It's dinnertime and I finally have a real assigned job from someone who isn't drunk! I get to pass out lunchboxes to people! I know that it's a stupid job and that they won't trust me with anything else and that I should feel really depressed that they don't trust me at all, but just being able to something, even this small, makes me really really happy. I don't know why, I just feel so good about it right now.

“Good job,” Shura commented after all of us had finished passing out food, “now grab some food and get some rest. Here's a bag of soft drinks for you too. Now off with you.”

“Hey Bon, have some dinner!” I called.

Bon grabbed the lunchbox from my hands and stormed off. I don't understand. Why is he acting this way when he was trying to be so patient back at school? Maybe it's because he's home and he's pressured to act a certain way? Or maybe it's less pressure for him to be nice to me, so now he can act the way he wants. None of us can say anything, it's _his home, after._

_“Wanna eat together Konekomaru?” I ask, smiling._

_“I... need to go say hello to my family.” Konekomaru walked away quickly._

_I popped open a soft drink, and Shima sat several feet away from me on a rock. I guess he feels awkward._

_I took a swig of the drink. Funny, it's more bitter than I remember soda being. “You don't want to eat with me either?” I glared at him._

_“I love lunchboxes!” Shima said._

_“Aren't you kind of far away? Or were you lying about not being scared of me?” I accused. Why am I acting this way? Normally I can keep my temper under better control than this._

_“Not at all. I just don't like inconveniences. Like walking and such.”_

_For some reason, I think that what he just said is absolutely hilarious. I start laughing like an idiot. “I always knew you weren't cool.” I pulled out my coolness ranking list and point below the paper, “In my coolness ranking, you're down here.”_

_“Even lower than Kuro? That's harsh. And you're laughing way too much. Avoiding you while we're here is the biggest inconvenience of all. I like talking to you like we're normal people, so I quit that other bit. Bon and Koneko are too uptight about this whole thing...”_

_“And you're super uncoolio.”_

_“And now you're talking weird. I'm not so sure that Shura gave us sodas...”_

_“Huh? What'chu talkin' 'bout?”_

_“You must be _really_ lightweight, Okumura.”_

_“Whaddyou mean? I never drink! I'm not old enough yet!”_

_“I think it's time to just turn in. It's getting late right? It's dark out?”_

_“Yeah” I agreed. It is dark out. And I feel really tired, a little dizzy or lightheaded or something. And now Shima's bringing me to my room. I guess that's really nice of him. He doesn't have to watch me like that. He's a really good friend. Why didn't I think that before? Shima's always been a pretty decent guy, laid back, chill, not as super smart and stick-up-his-ass like Bon is... I think I like Shima. Maybe he'll be my new bestest friend. After Kuro of course. And Yukio! Yukio will always be my best friend because he's my brother._

_I'm worried about Yukio. Every time I see him, he smells just a little bit stronger. I don't want him to go through what I'm going through. Not just the demon thing, but the cutting thing. It's not fun. It's miserable and it hurts a lot. I don't want my little brother to suffer like that. I want Yukio to be happy. He's smart and nice and really good at everything. Yukio is a good person so he deserves to feel happy all the time. I don't want him to feel like me. I don't want him to be like me. I don't want him to copy me. I want to copy him, being smart and good and stuff. I'll trail after him and catch up to him. Maybe some day I can surpass him. But I can't do that if he's falling back as far as me. Yukio just can't. He can't be like me. Mephisto has to be wrong. Yukio just can't!_

_I soon found myself slumped on a bed, and shortly after, snoring under the blankets._

_\---_

_The whole time he was giving his report, Yukio felt what could almost be called happy. It was strange. It was the sort of cynical happy that one experiences after being right about something horrible happening. Not schadenfreude happy, but cynical happy. A kind of dark and twisted optimistic feeling that one knows isn't actually good, but doesn't care because it's better than feeling like shit._

_That's how Yukio felt. It was functional, and oddly pleasant. He felt detached from everything, and while he was fully conscious of performing his actions, while he still had complete control over what he was doing, he still felt like a spectator. This report didn't have to be real, it didn't matter at all, it was insignificant in the whole. It didn't matter a single bit, and that made him feel almost giggly._

_Is this what the chemicals and hormones that the body releases in response to an injury do when one is not actually in pain, shock, or panic? If so, it's really easy to see why one could get addicted to it. Yukio was certainly enjoying his cutter's high, even if it was only a shallow and very superficial cut. Yes, he could call them cuts. That's what they were, right? If that's what his brother had done, then that's what he had done too. It wasn't science otherwise._

_But what is good science without a bit of enjoyment? Yukio certainly couldn't think of a reason why simply enjoying the aftereffects of an experiment would be wrong. Sure, if the experiment was dealing with narcotics, it would be bad, but these drugs were naturally produced in his body as a response to a stimulus. Nothing wrong with what is natural anyways._

_Why would it matter anyways? It is not detracting from his results. Instead, it is adding to his results. Yukio felt that he would soon have enough data to come up with a reasonable conclusion, and with that conclusion, he would be able to confront his brother. Once he could confront Rin, this could all be over and Rin would go back to normal._

_With Rin back to normal, Yukio felt that both of their lives would become much better._

_But Rin has been doing this cutting thing for a long time. Yukio had to wonder what was actually Rin's “normal.”_

_Either way, the “normal” would include Rin being happy again, and if he was still doing this self-harming thing, then he was most certainly not happy. Not like Yukio was, anyways. Rin wouldn't understand. He was doing all of this for his brother. That's why this act made him so happy._

_It's all for science and to help another person. Completely selfless. That's what the difference was. And that's why it was okay for him but not his brother. Intentions matter. Now, it's just a matter of time before the conclusion is clear._

_Soon, Yukio figured, the two of them will be able to talk, and it will be great._


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

Man, that was an awkward breakfast. First, Shima starts talking to me instead of sitting with Konekomaru and Bon like he normally does. I could hear them talking and I could almost feel Konekomaru's terrified stare on the back of my neck. It was really uncomfortable.

For some reason, Shima's talking about last night. All I remember is everyone running off after getting their lunchboxes, then nothing. Weird, but I doubt anything significant would've happened, I mean, it's not like anything ever changes around here. The trio will always stare at me from afar, disapprovingly. If they don't think I should exist, it should be easier for them to just say it to my face, right? You'd think so, but no. They just _have_ to be difficult about it and make everything awkward and painful by being so silent.

And then Shima introduced me as his _friend_ to his _brothers_ Juzo and Kinzo.What was up with that? And then talking about girls and watching them while they're in the pool... No, I can't think about Shiemi in a swimsuit... that's only going to distract me more. Besides, she likes _Yukio,_ not me. I can't expect her to ever like me, I mean, I can't even hope to _begin_ to compare to Yukio. That, and I'm also a demon child...

_BOOM!_

Damnit! I got distracted again! And after I already know that I can do this!

“Don't think 'Boom,' think 'Poof.'” Shura scolded.

“Damnit. I think I just need to go cool off.” I hope she buys that excuse.

“Alright then. You go do that.”

I run off to soak my head under the pump. I'm just too distracted today. I mean, there's no reason for that. It's just some candles. I've controlled my flames before. I did it with the pencil sharpener, and in front of Paku, and heck, even on the train over here. It wasn't my fault that everyone thought I was out of control. I wasn't, but no one gave me a chance...

Not that I really deserve it, anyways.

“Father, mother, ancestors, I feel so helpless. What should I do?” That voice. It sounds a lot like...

“Konekomaru! Hey, wait!” I call after him because he's trying to run away. Is he really that scared of me? Maybe I shouldn't be chasing him with my arm stretched towards him like this... “I just wanna get along with you? Why're you running away from me!”

“Stay away from Bon! He's having a really hard time!”

“I'm not talking about Bon, I'm talking to you!”

“I don't have anything. No parents, no relatives, but the people of Myodha raised me and I want to pay them back. Someday, I want to serve Myodha! Myodha is the only place for me, and anyone who threatens that is my _enemy._ ”

So it is because I'm a demon. “Does that mean that if I'm not a threat, you'll be my friend?” Damn optimistic side, why can't you just shut up sometimes! Or maybe it's better that I can keep up the act. “You're right that I'm not doing so well in my training,” at least, not right not, “and I guess I can see why that makes you uncomfortable. It kind of scares me too, heh heh. But I'm going back to training right now, and I will get better at it.” I hope that this is enough to convince him, just a little, that maybe we could be friends? I shouldn't get my hopes up, but I almost can't help it.

But, there was one thing that he said that doesn't make any sense. Doesn't Konekomaru see it?

“In case you haven't realized, you _do_ have something. Like something important to you, or someone worth protecting.”

Before I walk away, that one painful glance he gives me says it all. Just my presence, my words, my voice, everything about me hurts him. I guess we can't really ever be friends after all. Why was I so foolish enough to even start thinking that I could get somewhere in the first place?

_Anyone who threatens that is my **enemy.**_

_That flame of yours can kill people!_

_You filthy demon child! Why were you ever born? I can't believe that anyone as kind as the Father would ever take in such a disgusting and distasteful brat as yourself! Well, he is the Lord's servant for a reason, I suppose._

Why do these thoughts and memories never leave? Gah! I can't stand it! And I have to back and do more training? How in the hell am I supposed to focus here?

Hold up a sec, is that Shiemi? Why is she working here? Isn't today supposed to be our day off?

“Hey, would you lend me a hand? One of the patients has a fever.” A woman called.

“Yes! Okay!”

“Thank you for helping. I know today was your day off.”

“That's all right. I'd rather be of some use.” Shiemi smiled.

She's so brave, so strong and determined. Why can't I be like that? Why can't I show her and everyone else just what I can do? I can't be such a screwup. I need to fix all this. I _need_ to show them that things can go back to the way they used to be. I _really want_ everything to go back to the way it used to be. Since I screwed up so badly by revealing my flames, I guess I can only try to gain back some trust by mastering them and controlling them. 

But I can already do that and they still don't trust me. I haven't exactly been able to show them yet, but I tried! I tried to show them while we were on the train! It didn't really matter though. They didn't even let me have a chance, and then I screwed things up even worse than before. _Why do I suck so much?_

I sighed. It doesn't really matter. All I can do is just keep trying until I hopefully eventually get it right, and not just when I'm alone or with a comforting presence beside me.

\---

Finally! I got it to light in front of Shura! I did it! I can't believe that I was actually successful! And now I've shown it! Shura's seen it, so that means that everyone else can start to believe it too! I can control my flames. I don't care if she's telling me that this is only the first step that I need to do to get started. I don't care! I don't care because I can finally show that I'm not just a reckless demon with no control over my own powers. I can show everyone what I can do, and maybe they can start to learn to stop hating me so much. Maybe they'll see that they don't have to keep me away because I won't explode at them. Maybe they can let me have that little bit of social contact-

No way. What am I thinking. There's no way that that's ever going to happen. I shouldn't let myself get carried away, thinking about the impossible. I know that they won't accept me for me because I'm Satan's son, I'm worthless, and I'm probably going to kill them all. On purpose or by accident, I don't know, but I'm dangerous. Being able to control these flames, even just a little, it makes me realize _just how dangerous_ I can be. Only the smallest of sparks will light a candle, and even a candle can burn someone. That, compared to the amount of power that I can feel inside me, it's terrifying.

But that won't stop me from cheering, just for a moment, about finally lighting candles in front of Shura.

“Smoke! Something's up at the field office. Come with me, Rin.”

I followed Shura. I hope nothing too bad is happening. We get there as quickly as we can. I can't really tell what's going on, but there's a huge crowd of Myodha people and exorcists and someone shouting.

“...all of it is your fault!”

“Is that Suguro?” I ask.

“Stay put.” Shura places her hand on my shoulder. I really want to go see what he's up to, but I suppose that this isn't really my business.

“Ryuji-”

“Is Mamushi right? Have you betrayed us?”

“Of course not.”

“If that's true, then tell me the _truth_ right here, right now, in front of everyone!” Suguro sounds really pissed off. I'm kind of glad I'm not the other guy. Wait, is that...

“Suguro's dad?” I ask.

“Yeah.” Shura replied.

“The truth?” he paused, “It's a _secret._ I can't even tell my own son. It'd be better if I _never_ have to tell you, so-”

“Despite all this, you still won't tell me?”

“Anyway, I have to go after Mamushi. Ryuji, listen to your mother and your teachers and be a good boy. Okay?”

“ENOUGH WITH THE CARING FATHER ACT! If you leave without telling me, I will no longer recognize you as my father!”

That scream. It brought back everything. It made me remember that night. When I got my powers, when I said all of those horrible words to father Fujimoto, when Satan took over his body and he killed himself to protect me. All that after I had just told him that he should never call himself my father again...

I can't control myself anymore.

“You're Suguro's father,” I grabed his shirt before turning to face Suguro, “and Suguro, you _jerk!_ I don't know what's behind all this, but you'll regret it later! Got it? Apologize to your father!” Why am I so desperate?

“This is none of your business, so _shut up!_ ” He screamed right back at me. I can't let him do something this stupid. I know how much it hurts. I need to make him fix this before it's too late.

“You can't disown your father!”

“Like you're one to talk. You say you're going to defeat Satan?” he turned to his father, “Get lost and _never_ come back.”

Something snapped. I could almost hear that thin wall holding back all of my emotions crack and break. I guess I'm never destined to have friends, not after what's about to happen.

“SUGURO!” My body burst into flames, and I started attacking. Everyone around me was scared, and I had no idea what was controlling me or what I was doing. I just needed to knock some sense into him, and the best way I thought to do that was by punching him in the face. Too bad he knows shield spells, or that might've worked. Is that Juzo trying to break up the fight?

My tail squeezed. It hurt so much! It felt like it was being ripped off of my spine before being dropped in boiling oil and then crushed by a several-tonne weight. I don't remember what Shura said to me, or what I said back. I only remember feeling the pain spike before I passed out.

\---

Bon, for the life of him, couldn't figure out why the _hell_ Okumura had just gone off like that. There was not reason for that. What business did he have, anyway, telling him what to do. When was it any of Okumura's business how he dealt with his own problems and his own father? Why would Okumura be so upset over something like that? It doesn't make any sense. It's not like Okumura has a father like that, since he's the child of Satan and all. Why did Okumura think that he could get away with that sort of lecture?

It didn't matter. Crazy kid was knocked out by some sort of anti-demon spell and Shura's dealing with the aftermath. 

Doesn't matter. Stupid kid got himself locked up, and now he's probably going to be executed. Why did he have to do that? I mean, it's none of his business and if it bothered him so much, then why not just come up and have a personal chat after? Well, Bon figured he hadn't been all that friendly of sociable since arriving in Kyoto, but that shouldn't matter. Anyone could see that it wasn't the kid's fault, it was the stupid temple and the stupid people that lived here that were stressing him out.

With any luck, Okumura wouldn't be executed. Should the Vatican decide against him, Bon at least hoped there'd be enough time to work out the problems that they had. He did see them as friends, or at least, he was trying to be a friend for Okumura.

\---

“Yukio!”

“Hello Shura.”

“What're you doing here?”

“That is just what I had finished explaining to everyone here. The vehicle that we followed was a decoy. The enemy was buying time, so we can assume that Todo has the left eye. Now, we get here and find that the traitor Mamushi Hojo has now stolen the right eye.”

Yukio turned to face the director, “Director Shima, I apologize if this seems out of place, but I need to ask you, what exactly are the eyes?”

“According to Myodha legend, when the right and left eyes come together, a new and potent poisonous gas results.”

Only to spread a poisonous gas? Todo must have some other motive. Just killing people for the sake of it doesn't make any sense. There's no reason behind it. If there is one thing that experience teaches, it is that all actions have a reason behind them. It's just like his brother.

Rin must have some reason for doing what he does, and Yukio knew that he was going to find out, one way or another.

Be it physical or be it emotional, Yukio was determined to find out exactly the reasons for those actions. Both his brother's, and Todo's.


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22

“Okami! Bon got hurt, so- hey, Izumo! You sure are cute in a yukata!” Shima said, “Bon's hurt, so can we have some ice?”

“Um, okay. What happened?”

“The right eye was stolen and they've arrested Okumura.” Bon answered, “He flared up and everyone saw him. I don't know what they're going to with him now. Miss Kirigakure used a spell to knock him out and they locked him in a cell.”

The whole group looked worried except for Shima, who looked like he was about to suggest a rescue plan.

\---

I'm lying on something hard and cold. It's not very comfortable and my body feels stiff and heavy. Amy tail has the worst of it, feeling like it's being ripped out from the base. What happened before I fell asleep? Right, Bon was disowning his father, I snapped, Shura did something, my tail hurt, I fell unconscious. Now I'm... wherever I am right now.

I groaned.

“Have you cooled down?”

“Shura?”

“How you feelin'?”

“I'm still weak, but I can move.”

“Then read this.”

“A letter?”

“Suguro's dad asked me to give it to you.”

“Why me?”

“I dunno, just read it.”

I opened the letter. All these weird symbols... What language is this? “...I can't.”

Shura grabbed the letter from my hands. “Gimme a break! You can't even _read?_ The state of education today! Yow! I can't read it either!”

“See!”

“It's in cursive script. I can read it.” Yukio said. When did he get here? Was I really looking all pathetic and stuff in front of Yukio? He saw me unconscious and no doubt Shura told him what happened. Damnit! Why did Yukio have to know? Maybe he was there and he saw? Why did I have to screw up in front of my brother too?

Yukio read the letter. We learned all about the Koma sword, Bon's father, and even Father Fujimoto's role in all of this. It's so complicated and so stupid at the same time, I don't even know what to think. I just know that Bon's dad should give him some more credit, trust him a little bit. It's no wonder that Bon doesn't trust him.

“I want to help. Father Fujimoto saved my life. So if it will help, I want to fight! That's just my hope, though.”

“I won't allow it.” Yukio stated. Why is he acting so cold towards me? Is he still upset about learning my secret?

“Come forth and serve thy bearer” Shura chanted. She looked pointedly at Yukio, “If he says he wants to fight, we should check before deciding. Let him draw the sword.”

“Moments ago, he was raging out of control! It's crazy to give it to him now!” So that's what it's all about. He _really_ doesn't trust me now. Why do I have to be such a fuckup? “Next time, they'll put him to death!”

“Listen up. The Vatican know the moment I chanted the imprisonment spell. They already can put him to death. It's too late to wimp out now. If the Impure King has returned, we have more dangerous things to worry about. Besides, you know as well as I do, his flame has worked on demons before. It can't hurt to try.” Shura lectured before handing me my sword. She even gave me a tiny smile. I don't know if I can meet her expectations. “Rin, draw the sword.”

I pulled. It stuck. It won't move. I pulled harder. Why won't it move? Someone is finally trusting me, finally believing in me just a little bit! Why can't I pull the fucking sword out? What's wrong with me? Why do I always screw it up when it counts? I pulled as hard as I could on the thing.

“I don't get it. I can't draw the sword.” I said, sighing. “It must be caught somewhere. That's right! That's gotta be the reason...”

“Rin, you're afraid.” I blinked, “Of course you are. You were overjoyed at finally gaining control of your flame and moments later your emotions took control and you freaked out. Emotionally, you're back where you started. You're thinking “What will happen to me the next time I draw the sword?” “Maybe I'll lose myself again.” “Maybe I'll hurt someone.” That's what you're thinking, right? You've totally lost your confidence.” Shura explained.

Whatever confidence I had to begin with. I know what she's saying, hidden beneath her words. She knows I want my blade, she knows that I need something to take the edge off of my emotions right now, and she's explaining to me why I always feel that way, why I always feel that urge. It's not just right now, it's always. Right now just happens to be the worst it's ever felt.

“Wait a second, how would that stop me from drawing the sword?” Ask questions, don't panic. Please, don't let me panic. I think I still have those sharpener blades in my pocket. I'll get them when Shura and Yukio leave. In the mean time, just _don't_ panic.

Suddenly, a bright pink cloud burst in front of my cell.

“Howdy! Guten Abend! My first appearance in ages is in a jail? How depressing. I'm only here to clean up your mess. Eins, zwei, drei.” Mephisto counted boredly.

A metal box appeared in front of me. A claw shot out of the front of it, grabbed me, and started draggin my into it.

Mephisto grabbed the sword from my hand. “I'll be taking this from you. _And the hidden treasures in your pockets._ ” he whispered. He did not just do that. I'm going to rip his head off his creepy clown shoulders when I get out of this box. “Due to the recent incident involving Rin's behaviour, a majority of the inquest comittee headed by the Grigori has voted to put Rin to death. Now, the Impure King is on his way and will soon destroy all of Kyoto. Defeating him will take a lot of manpower. Here's a little present for you. I hope it helps.”

Mephisto poofed away, leaving Shura with the sword and an armful of camo-ponchos.

\---

Shura went straight to the exwires. Even if Rin didn't think so, she know that all of them were still willing to be his friends. Even if they were crappy at showing it, she also knew that they'd bust an arm and a leg, and maybe even more to help him out if he needed it.

“Rin has been given a death sentence for using his flame and the Vatican's orders cannot be overturned, so Suguro, I'm giving this to you. Here's the Kurikara and a letter your father wrote to Rin. It says that Rin needs to defeat the Impure King and Rin wants to help. Will you help me bust him out?”

The vote was instant and unanimous.

“Take these camo-ponchos to hide from the guards. He'll have to prove himself to avoid execution. I'm counting on all of you. The rest of the plan is up to your judgement. I have to go fight with the other exorcists. Good luck.” Shura left, leaving the exwires to figure out Rin's escape plan.

“Solitary confinement is this way!” Bon said as he grabbed a camo-poncho and led the way.

The group was extremely quiet and made sure to keep their heads low as they crept past the guards. Once past, they breathed a breath of relief and took off the hoods. Around the next corner, they found the giant metal box Rin was being held in.

_“Wee hee hee! I am das starkste Geffangnis! I unlock from the outside but not from the inside! So riddle me this! Why am I so strong? Fight me and see! Wee hee hee!”_

“So we have to fight it!” Bon exclaimed. All of the exwires save Shiemi drew their weapons.

_“Graaah!”_

_“Wee hee hee! And the answer is... BECAUSE I CAN FREEZE ANYONE WHO APPROACHES ME AS AN ENEMY! That's why they call me the strongest! Mwa ha ha!”_

“Huh? So why didn't I freeze?” Shiemi asked the box.

_“You aren't an enemy! You're weak and unarmed! Wee hee hee!”_

“You open from the outside, right?” Shiemi asked.

_“Oh yeah. Sure, but you'll never get back out! Wee hee hee!”_

Shiemi put her hand on the handle. She gripped tight, sent Rin a thought, drew up her courage, and pulled the door open. Without another second of hesitation, Shiemi walked right into the strongest prison, hoping she'd be able to get her first ever friend out of there safely.


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23

“Where am I? I don't want to die in this heap of junk!” I was standing in the middle of a seemingly endless landscape of gears, cogs, and other metal scraps. No door in sight, just endless garbage. I can't believe Mephisto trapped me in a place like this, just useless metal and air, no exit, leaving me all alone when he knows perfectly well that I'm going to die. He isn't even doing anything to help me! I'm his ward and he said he'd protect me, but all he's doing right now is letting me sit here waiting to die! It just frustrates me so much!

I started kicking the scraps randomly, trying to work out some of that frustration. It wasn't working very well, but at least it was something to do until I got tired.

“I don't want to die...”

Is that really true? Mephisto gave me options before, to let them kill me or to kill myself. Yukio told me once to just die. Father Fujimoto saved me for a reason and I don't want that reason to go to waste, but maybe I really should just die. I might hurt someone the next time I draw my sword, I don't know if it's worth it. I've already proved that I can't do it. I can't control my flames, even after doing exactly that on three separate occasions. Even after I knew I could do it, I still screwed up.

I stared at the “sky,” feeling the bits of sharp metal under my feet, shifting my weight to keep comfortable. I suppose I could kill myself here. It's a world of metal scraps. I could easily find something to cut myself with and bleed out. If that fails, maybe one of the rusty pieces will gives me tetanus or something. Or maybe I'll just starve to death, or die of dehydration. It doesn't really matter too much in the end, how I go, just that I will.

I leaned down and snapped a piece of metal off of one of the sheet-like scraps under my feet. I guess the demon strength has one good use after all. I chuckled a little as I put the bit of metal in my pocket, amusing myself by thinking about what Mephisto's reaction will be when he finds out that I got a new toy from the prison that _he_ put me in _after_ taking my sharpeners away, _after_ he commented to me about having them and taking them away like he cared or something.

I sighed again and looked back up at the “sky.” Am I going to die totally useless? I never even managed to make up with everyone, as much as they may or may not have wanted to make up with me. I thought we were getting somewhere and now it's all over. Why did he save me?

“Father Fujimoto... TELL ME!!” I shouted.

“Rin!” I heard a voice calling my name. My head flew up almost involuntarily and much more quickly than I would have liked. I might have a little neck pain later just because I'm not used to people actually using my name, calling me, or generally wanting me around in the first place. I see the person that the voice belongs to.

“Shiemi?

“Rin! I came to rescue you! I heard everything from Miss Kirigakure, that you want to help us fight. Let's get out of here!” she called. She ran closer and stopped just a little in front of me.

I know that getting out is whatI wanted. I don't really want to die in here, I think, well if I had to die it would probably be somewhere nicer than here but what does it matter when I'm going to die anyways. The result will be the same, people will be happier whether I die here or outside and it's not like I'm even going to remember what my final view was after I'm dead... No I'm not getting distracted. Shiemi is standing a few feet in front of me. I'm dangerous. I can't control my flames. She could get hurt. I need to get her away from me, even if it breaks my heart a little bit to do so.

“Stay back!” I shout at her.

“What's wrong?” she asked.

“I-I'm not sure I can use my flame anymore. I've been getting by on enthusiasm so far, but that's not enough. Maybe I'd be better of dead after all...” I did not mean to just say that out loud. Please tell me that I didn't just say that out loud and in front of _Shiemi_ no less.

Shit, I must have. I can see tears building in her eyes.

“What... How can you say that? Never say that again!” As if telling me that is going to prevent me from doing so, or from thinking about it.

“You don't understand. And you don't need to either.” I gave a small laugh. It's inevitable. I'm going to either die or be killed. It doesn't matter anymore. It doesn't even matter if I cut myself into oblivion anymore. Nothing is going to change. I could even do it right in front of this girl I've fallen for and it won't change a damn thing. I reach into my pocket for my tool but Shiemi cut me off before I could pull it out.

“Stop it! Don't just laugh and push me away! I want to help you!” Great, I've made her cry now. I really am just a...

“Go back! I'm a MONSTER!” I shout and lose control once again. The flames are spreading out around me and all I can do is cry and hope that they reel themselves back in as I try to calm down.

“I mean, look at me.” I can't help it, I know I must look really stupid right now. The tears just fall down my face and I can't even hold up some semblance of the carefree character that she had known until recently. I can't believe I'm crying in front of the girl I really like.

I do my best to make her back off. I don't want to hurt her or anyone else ever again. I deserve to be locked up, or at the very least, killed. Maybe my priorities are wrong here, but I'd rather be dead than lonely. I hope Shiemi takes the hint and back off. I can feel the flame just behind my eyes as I stare straight into her clear blue ones and watch the tears pool on her lower eyelids. Through the hurt evident on her face, I can almost see some sort of determination. I can only wonder briefly before she surprises me.

“I'm sorry Rin!” She runs up to me, grabs my shoulders, and pulls me into her body, holding tight. I'm too shocked to move or say anything for a moment. My flames go out immediately. What does she think she's doing? The touch is so foreign and so wonderful, it almost hurts. I don't want her to let go, but I remember that my flames were still around me when she took hold of me.

“You dummy, I'm dangerous,” is the only weak reply I can come up with. I don't know what to do. I'm torn between the comfort I'm receiving and the pain I must be causing her at the moment. Why doesn't she just push me away and solve the problem for me? Why would she hurt herself for me? I'm not worth it.

“It's all right. Look! I'm not burned at all. You did that, so it's all right!”

Now I need to get away on my own. I push myself away from her. I really miss the hug, but she's crazy. “Y-You're not scared of me?”

“No.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” Shiemi gives me a large smile.

“So you don't think I'm a monster?”

“No, of course not! You're a good person, Rin, and I've always believed in you. I never thought you were dangerous. I don't think you could ever hurt anyone you thought was a friend.”

“But what about all those other times? This whole month, I don't know what to think.” I don't understand. She was so scared every time she got near me before. How did it suddenly change in the past day? That's not possible.

“I was never scared of what you could do. I trust you. I was scared of what you thought about me. I was too weak and too shy to stand up for you and I was scared you would hate me for that. Once I found out that you were actually scared of us, I just didn't know how to talk to you.”

“Oh...” So that was it? “But... even when...” I trailed off. I stared at my arms and my hands, just confused, sad, and a little scared all at the same time. I suddenly felt nervous just being around her, more than normal, I mean.

“It hurt a lot when we found you in the bathroom that night. I really wanted to apologize right then, but it was a hard situation for both sides and the apology just fell to the sidelines. But that doesn't mean I don't want to help you! I really care about you and want you to feel better because you're my friend!”

Shiemi walked over to me and sat us both down. She took my left hand and held it in between both of her hands. The small, soft touch of her hands is almost enough to make me cry. I've missed this sensation for too long. Slowly and gently, she moves her right hand up my arm and brushes the sleeve back halfway up my forearm. A few scars are visible.

“I was scared when I saw what you did, and I don't really understand it. I don't think I ever could, because this isn't something that I'd ever need to do. You must have been in a lot of pain.” Her voice trailed off and almost seemed to choke at the end. I can't look into her face, so I just keep staring at her hand on my arm.

“But that doesn't mean I think of you any different. It doesn't change who you are at all. Rin is still Rin, even if I know more or less about you. You are still my friend and that's the only thing that matters. If I had been a better friend to you, then maybe you-you wouldn't have felt like you had to.. had too...”

I hate making girls cry. There's no reason that a girl should ever cry over me. I'm a monster, a freak, a demon. I'm worthless, pathetic, scared, and I shouldn't be alive. I shouldn't even exist. There's no reason that Shiemi should be crying over me. It makes me at least ten times worse in every category to have her cry because of me.

As if she can see the hateful thoughts running through my head, she pulls me in tightly once again and hugs my head against her chest. “Please don't hate yourself. We all care about you very much and we want to make you happy. Even if you don't believe us, don't trust us, we just want you to feel good again.”

I put my arms around her waist and hug back, gripping tightly and bracing for the rejection that I'm sure will follow. “But what if hurting myself is what makes me happy?”

Instead of pushing me away, Shiemi surprises me again by hugging even tighter. “Then that means that we aren't trying hard enough. It means that the rest of us are bad friends. Maybe it makes you feel better, but I know that it doesn't make you happy, so DON'T LIE TO ME!”

I sit there, breathing in her warmth and taking in the love I can feel from her. She smells like fresh earth, just turned to be ready to plant a garden. As tears once again find their way down my face, I can't help but just give in and accept the positive feelings directed at me for the first time in a very very long time.

“Thank you, Shiemi.” I manage to say.

“I will always be here for you Rin, the same way that you're always there for me. But right now, we need to stop the Impure King.” Shiemi said.

“Just one more minute? Or even thirty seconds? I want just one more moment in this hug before I blast this stupid cage open. I promise, you won't be burned, even a little bit.”

“Okay then, just for a moment.”

\---

_“GRAAAAH!”_

I blasted that stupid prison open. Strongest prison my ass. My stupid flames could beat it _from the inside_. Pretty dumb design if you ask me. Why would you make something impenetrable from the outside but so damn weak on the inside? Wasn't it supposed to be for powerful and dangerous prisoners? Whatever. Stupid clown. I feel almost proud of that cage's dying scream.

As I step forward, I check out my surroundings. Yep, same place that I was before, down in the maximum security holding area part of the temple... wherever that is. It's the same room, only now all the exwires are there. Wait... What? Why?

“You _all_ came to help?” What's wrong with them? Why are they here?

“I wouldn't like it if you died.” Konekomaru spoke up. Now I'm very confused. Doesn't he hate me and blame me for the deaths of his parents during the blue night? “I know you're not dangerous, so let's be friends.” He even gave me a small smile.

“Konekomaru...” This force in my chest, ripping it's way out, it almost feels nice.

“Just so you know, I'm only following Kirigakure's orders.” I know when Izumo is lying.

“Just be thankful I came at all!” Shima will never change.

“You-You guys...” I can feel the damn tears pooling in my eyes again. Why do I keep crying like this all the time?

And then a gut-punch from nowhere. “S-Suguro?” He looks absolutely furious.

“You were right, but _only_ about my dad. You need _this_ if you're gonna fight, so here!” Suguro shoved the sword into my hands.

“Oh, um, sorry I hit you.” I apologized.

“I'll take you to Kongoshinzan, then you can do whatever you want. I'll fight on my own.” Hearing Bon say stupid stuff like that, he almost sounds like I did before I talked with Shiemi.

“Suguro... You gotta trust me. I can't help is that I'm Satan's child, but I'll use my flames for us. Please, trust me!” This request only seems to make him more angry. I'm offering to help, so why is he getting more upset?

“Who cares about that?” What is he talking about? Isn't that why he hated me in the first place? “What I can't forgive is how you take on everything yourself. _You're_ the one who pushed us away. Why should I trust a guy like that? Am I the only one who thought we were friends?”

Is he serious? The only reason he was angry is because I didn't talk to him about any of this before? He's only mad at me because he thought that I was being dumb? That _I_ didn't see _him_ as _my_ friend? It was all a big miscommunication between two dumb teenage guys?

“Seriously? _That's_ why you were mad? _That's_ your reason?” Apparently Shima was just as confused as I was.

“No! That's not how I meant it!” I struggled to explain. I get it now. If that's how it is, then we can work together and beat this demon. Just the demon. I'm not giving him a one up in any other scenario, this teamwork is limited to exorcisms only. This trust is the trust that those who go into battle give each other so that we can all win and survive.

I'm not ready to give away my personal, emotional trust quite yet, but this, I can do.

“We head to Kongoshinzan in Rakuhoku to defeat the Impure King.” Bon dictated. I guess he's the self-proclaimed leader of our group. Not a bad choice. He's got the attitude for it, that's for sure.

All we have to do now is defeat the Impure King, and I have to do something to prove myself so that the Vatican won't kill me. I'm not ready to die now, not quite yet.


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24

Shura watched Yukio as he prepared for the next fight. She debated telling him that she had the exwires spring Rin from jail, but decided against it. It would be a better joke if she could watch his reaction when he wasn't in a life-or-death situation. Besides, the kid was too stressed as it was, between his brother and his own nature.

“Yukio! I'm apologizing in advance, so sorry!” Shura said happily, walking towards her teammate.

“Huh? It's too late for apologies I gave up on you a long time ago.” Yukio replied in his characteristic no-nonsense monotone.

“Yukio... Whatever. At least be honest with _yourself_.”

“What do you mean?” Yukio had hoped that she was not referring to his experiments. There was no reason for her to believe that he had continued after her warning before the trip. Perhaps she was just referring to his general personality?

“Captain Kirigakure! The director wants you!” another exorcist called. Almost too convenient.

“Sure, sure. Lead the way!” Shura walked off to join the exorcist families in the area, who were powering up their natural flame abilities. Flame is strong against rot, so they had the best chance if they made some strong fire elemental attacks against the Impure King. With this new power boost, the exorcists began attacking the spores and rot that were slowly spreading towards the city.

Yukio used his guns and holy water grenades to help drive the rot back. A spray of holy water could cover plenty of area. The rot wasn't strong enough to hold up against even a holy water mist. For that, he counted himself fortunate.

The routine movements such seemed to happen, as if he were on autopilot. Not really focusing, not really paying attention to what was going on, Yukio recognized this feeling as his normal dissociative state, the place in his mind he went to when he was scared, stressed, or needed a break. Nothing that was happening really seemed real. Be true to himself, be honest with himself, what did that even mean?

A red light flashed in the bushes to his right. Yukio turned and followed it. Maybe it was a stronger demon? If so, he felt he should take care of it before it started causing problems.

He was half right. It was Todo. Todo combined with some sort of flame demon.

“Hello. I know you're there. No use hiding. Come out Yukio Okumura.” Todo called, looking straight into Yukio's eyes.

Yukio figured that there was no use in hiding at this point, so he might as well try to get some information. “Are you really Saburota Todo? Why do you look like that?”

“The demon I used to rely on was getting old, so I upgraded for a better one with more power! Forget about what I am. I want to try out this flame, and I've been wanting to talk with you. I suppose we should start with some small talk. Here's a good topic, how's your _brother?_ ”

Yukio remained silent. There was no way that Todo could have heard about what his brother has been doing recently, therefore there was no way for Todo to suspect anything about what he was doing either. The man was just trying to mess with him because he knows that Rin is a son of Satan and that the ordeal must be stressful. Nothing more than that. Todo was just trying to mess with his head, that's all.

“No answer? I said _“How's your brother?”_ ”

\---

 

We all ran towards a giant blob of demon gunk. As we ran closer, the air became thicker and the smell of rot became stronger. I'm glad I have a strong stomach, because with my demonic senses, the stench was almost overwhelming. The spores growing out of it aren't for the weak of heart either. This fortress demon doesn't just sound like a terrifying myth, it is terrifying in real life. I don't want to get close to that thing, but if I can't kill it, then the Vatican will kill me. I don't want to use my flames because I don't want to hurt anyone, but I don't think I can beat it any other way.

In short, I can't breathe, I'm scared, and I'm too anxious to pull a freaking sword out of a freaking scabbard because I don't want to burn my friends because I have no confidence in my ability to beat this demon with my flames. Yep. There's a reason I didn't want to stay in school. I'm just not very smart.

And I'm doing it anyways.

“Let's go look for my dad. Mamushi said that he was heading towards the Impure King.” Bon stated with his natural air of confidence. Man, I wish I could be like that.

After about ten minutes of bushwhacking, Izumo called out, “Hey, is that your dad?”

“Father!”

“I'll call Miss Kirigakure.” Konekomaru offered, pulling out his phone.

Suddenly, a fire-bird type demon burst out from Mr. Suguro. It started talking to Bon, much to his father's displeasure.

 _“I am Karura, servant of Myo-o-dharani head priests. I was your father's familiar, but the secret was revealed and that agreement has been broken. Now I am bound to him by a personal agreement.”_ Karura turned to Mr. Suguro. _“I healed your wounds, but you must not move. I am the immortal bird. I am always reborn. Besides, the agreement for the Aeon Wave Flame still stands. I will not allow you to die.”_

“Rin, did you read my letter?” Bon's dad asked.

“ _I_ read it too.” Bon answered, “Eveyrone here understands the situation. Now tell me _everything_.”

“All right. I will tell you how to defeat the Impure King. According to the legend known only to the Myodha's head priests, the Impure King will grow until he is the size of a castle. Then a giant spore sac will form in the centre.If it matures and ruptures, spores carrying a deadly poison will spread in gaseous form. 150 years ago, it killed 40,000 people. The casualties in Kyoto will be much worse. The Impure King's only weak spot is its “heart” which is inside the sac. 150 years ago, there was no choice but to split the heart into two pieces, the right and left eyes. You can't hit the heart without breaking the sac.

“I made a deal with Karura to use the Aeon Wave Flame. It converts one's lifespan into flames, one great flame to release at the end of my life. I planned on using it to completely destroy the Impure King, but I used it only fifteen years later to hold him in place. There isn't much left. With the remaining flame, I will stop the gas from spreading when the sac ruptures. I want you to use the Koma sword to destroy the heart of the Impure King.”

A wave a guilt went through me. I could hardly hold back the tears. Mr. Suguro was counting on me, and I can't even pull out my sword. I'm letting down him and the entirety of Kyoto and everyone in danger because I'm too scared to be able to draw my sword. I'm too weak. Finally, someone is relying on me to do what's right, believing in me, trusting me, and I can only let him down.

“I'm sorry, but...”

“I know, you could die, but-” 

“I meant I can't draw the sword.” Might as well try to lighten the situation. Mr. Suguro doesn't know how depressing a person I am, so I'll try to act lighthearted about it. “I've been trying to do it, but I can't seem to pull it out.” I gave the sword a few playful tugs to prove that it couldn't come loose.

“What?” Bon exclaimed. Oops... I guess I forgot to tell all of them about this... “Why not?”

“I don't know. It's some sort of mental hang-up.”

“Are you serious?”

“Even I get worried sometimes. I'm no use right now. Sorry pops!”

“I see, that is a problem, but I can at least put up a barrier.” Just when I thought the guilt couldn't get any worse. He's still so determined! How can he do that, keep fighting when he knows that he's going to die and that his side is going to lose. He knows that I'm letting him down and he's still trying! Why can't I just pull out the fucking sword and be useful the one time it matters!

 _“You must not, Tatsuma. You have lost too much blood.” Karura began to speak again, “If you attempt a barrier spell now, you will surely die. You are Tatsuma's son, correct?”_ Bon nodded, _“That is perfect. I can transfer the Aeon Wave Flame to one of the high priest's blood.”_

“No! You can't! He's still a child!” Bon's dad argued, “These fetters end with me! I swore upon my life! Anything but that!”

“You've carried that burden alone until now. I won't let you! I'll bear it too, and I won't let you say otherwise!”

_“Tatsuma, your son is wiser than you.”_

“That's why I didn't want to involve him.”

 _“I will now transfer the Aeon Wave Flame. If you are indeed the child of Tatsuma Suguro, prove your blood.”_ Bon bit his finger to draw some blood, _“You do indeed bear the blood of Tatsuma Suguro. Ryuji Suguro, you now possess the Aeon Wave Flame.”_

The bird's flames turned red as the new contract was made. Karura roosted itself upon Bon's head with the acceptance of the contract.

“Ryuji,” Bon's dad said, “I will teach you the strongest barrier spell known only to the head priest. Come here. Some of the signs will be new to you. Watch closely how they combine. I can only do this once. Watch, listen, and memorize.”

Bon stared with an intensity I've never seen before as Mr. Suguro began chanting and forming hand signs. I am almost envious of the relationship that those two share, but I blew my chance, if it ever existed to begin with. I'm happy that Bon and his dad were able to make up. I guess, for those two as well us two, it was all one giant miscommunication and too much pride preventing further clarification. Too many secrets to hide, too many hearts at stake.

When they finished, Bon's dad fainted.

“Moriyama and Kamiki, would you stay here and look after him? Shima and Konekomaru, tell everyone in Myodha what we just learned. I'm going to put up the barrier. It'll spread around the Touch Earth sign, so I have to get close to the sac.” Bon instructed. He sure is leader material.

“Bon, I've always kept quiet because of your parents, but I've got to say something.” Shima stated, “You're gonna _die_ , you know that?”

“I'll protect him.” What did I just commit to? Oh crap, um, damage control! “It's okay, right? I can't draw my sword, but I can use a little flame! Anyway, I'm strong!” I can use enough flame to light a candle or a tree branch. Please buy it.

Konekomaru took off, and Shima followed him. I guess that means I'm in the clear. I am going to protect Bon until I die. Even if it was spur of the moment, I _am_ going to do this and I _will not_ fail. I will protect my friend because I said I would and I wouldn't be able to live if he died first. I will make them all able to trust me again. I will prove myself.

“Let's go.” Bon said.

“You got it.” I replied.

“Dad, I always liked the sutras, so you better not die on me.” Bon said as we once again started running towards the Impure King.


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 25

“I said, _“how's your brother?”_ ” Todo asked.

“My brother's got nothing to do with you!” Yukio shouted as he shot three times at Todo's head.

“Oh dear. Finally got a rise out of you.” Todo commented as he incinerated the bullets. “Asleep or awake, you're always hung up on your family. I understand. I used to be much the same way. Ha ha! Maybe it's this form I'm in, but I keep remembering! I always looked up to my older brothers, and now look what I've become. I'm more powerful than they could ever be! They let me down, but now I've showed them.”

 _He is not like me!_ Yukio replaced the ordinary bullets with naiad bullets and kept shooting, hoping to hit Todo. He knew that he was being played with, but everything that Todo was saying, it just rang too true.

He looked up to Rin, idolized him, and was always amazed by everything Rin could have, could do, that he couldn't. Rin was the strong one. Rin was the one who solved all the problems. Rin was the one who chased the bullies away. Rin was able to teach himself how to cook. Rin was able to tame a demon when everyone else thought that it should just be killed! Rin can do all that, and he still feels the need to cut himself? He was always so happy! He would smile and laugh and do everything just for fun or because he could! Rin could laugh and play and be a normal kid while he, Yukio, had to train to be an exorcist, all but giving up any chance he might have had at a childhood. Why was Rin the one who had to cut? Rin didn't deserve that! Yukio felt jealous, sure, but he also knew that Rin didn't have a good reason for it. After all, what good reason is there?

What he was doing didn't count. After all, it was science. It was to help his brother. That's what he kept telling himself, anyways. If that's true, then why did he feel such a strong urge right now?

Suddenly, Todo charged and Yukio was able to put a naiad bullet right in the middle of his face.

“Now _that_ hurt. But magic bullets powered by low-level water demons are no more than a few drops of water on hot coals. Ha ha ha! Let's start over. Do you have any hobbies? Or a dream, perhaps? Oh that's right, you wanted to be a doctor. You're taking that advanced course in high school. Father Fujimoto had a physician's license. Like him, I suppose you'll go on to get _all_ the meisters and just teach demon pharmaceuticals at the cram school. You're just _copying_ him.”

The urge grew stronger, but Yukio did his best to ignore it. He wasn't copying anyone! He was doing what was the most useful for the current situation. All of the meisters are important. Having a physician's license means that he can have a well-paying job later. Teaching demon pharmaceuticals is appropriate because he'll be a doctor some day, not to mention that there was no longer an instructor to fill that position.

Yukio wanted to take his razor blade and drag it across his arm. He didn't know why the urge was there, but it was, and he just wanted it to go away.

“Only your brother is left. If he were gone too, what would you have left?” Yukio fired another shot at Todo, “I bet you promised Fujimoto that you would protect Rin. Your life is racing along rails laid down by Fujimoto. He treated Rin special, but what about you? He raised you as a mere tool for protecting Rin.”

How _dare_ Todo speak as if he knew anything about Yukio's life. “You're wrong!” Another shot, “I chose this for my self!” Another shot, “Father Fujimoto had nothing to do with it!” Four more shots.

“You aren't even hitting anymore. It's no surprise. Even you must wonder why you have to do this for Rin when he has no idea how you suffer. Admit it. Say “it isn't fair, it's not right, I can't stand it.” Yukio, you hate your brother, don't you? Why do you have to do _anything_ at all for him? Even pick up that nasty little habit of-”

“Shut up! You don't know what you're talking about!” Another shot, and he hit Todo in the face again.

“Oh really. You know, even those of us who have fused with demons still get the extra sensitive abilities that true half and full demons get. I could smell it on you from the moment we met up here. I've worked in schools with enough depressing teenagers to know what's going on. What makes you any different?”

“I won't let you get to me.” Yukio stated coldly. Yes, he had looked up to Rin, yes he had been jealous, and yes he was frustrated. He wanted to cut, even though he wasn't a cutter. There was no reason to cut just because he was upset and frustrated with the current situation. Just because he couldn't keep a grip on his emotions was no reason for him to need to cause himself more pain like that. He just had to fight back the urge, no matter how strong it would get.

Yukio was panting from the effort of the fight and holding his emotions back. “What's the matter, Yukio? Tired already?”

“Coycia, Melaina, Cleodora, Cleochareia, Bateia, Drosera, Solaia, Periboea.” Yukio chanted. The seven naiad bullets he'd shot in a circle were ready to use.

“You pretended to miss so that you could lay down a magic circle to summon the naiads. You truly are excellent. Yukio, at least be honest with yourself.”

Yukio gave Todo the worst stare he could think of. The urge was strong and he had to let something out. He lost control before he could melt into his negative emotions.

“I love my brother and hate him too! But more than that, I hated myself for being small and weak. _The one I really hate is myself!_ ” Yukio shouted, “Naiad water cell!”

A water bubble appeared around Todo, imprisoning him. Yukio knelt and panted with the effort. Why did he just give Todo, the enemy, all of that information? Suddenly, the bubble burst and evaporated, and Todo slowly floated down to the ground.

“Bravo! You're not even a tamer but you summoned all of those naiads. You still have much to learn.” Todo darted forward and grabbed Yukio by the throat, knocking his glasses off. “So that's your answer? You're more interesting than I thought. Too bad that now you have to die! I wonder, with all of your behaviour, your habits, are you even going to care? I wonder how long it takes to reduce one human to ash?

In that instant, all Yukio could see was blue, and Todo backed off immediately. What was that?

“I instinctively leapt away. Those aren't _your_ eyes-” Todo was cut off as Juzo Shima hit him in the face with his staff.

What had happened? Why did everything look blue for a moment. His demon blood was dormant, so there was no way that that could be it. Yukio carefully took our the blade he'd hidden in his coat and nicked the inside of his wrist to ground himself. He wasn't cutting, it was only a scratch, and definitely just a one-time thing. He put the blade back. No one noticed as they were still fighting, and losing, against Todo. This was no time for angst.

“I have an idea!” Yukio shouted, and he told them. Todo burned, regenerated, then melted into ash as it began to rain.

All that, and he still felt just as frustrated as before. Taking down the enemy didn't help relieve him whatsoever. Why didn't it work? Anger was supposed to disappear in the face of an accomplishment, but all Yukio felt was an overwhelming depression. He still felt as though he'd failed, even in the wake of this victory. The self-hatred didn't go away because fighting Todo wasn't the cause. Rin was the cause. Rin was to blame. It was all for his brother, after all. It was because of his brother that he hated himself.

\---

“Wow, it's starting to look like buildings.” I commented. The Impure King had gotten really big, probably at least the size of a town by now.

“We'd better hurry.” Bon said in reply. He was breathing hard because of the miasma.

Rin! Run! This mountain is possessed by a demon! It's dangerous! It really stinks! Kuro jumped out from the bushes beside us. I had almost forgotten the little guy. I had mixed feelings about seeing him right now though. I didn't want Kuro to get into trouble.

“You mean the Impure King?” I asked.

“We're going to defeat it.” Bon stated. Does he understand Kuro? No, he must be inferring from my half of the conversation.

_It's too dangerous! You can't deal with that thing!_

“But someone has to.”

 _You idiot, Rin! It's dangerous so I'll take you!_ Kuro grew into his larger form. I can't believe the luck. Flying on Kuro will be a lot faster than running, and an aerial view might give us a look to see where we can cast the spell.

“Kuro, you're the best! Hop on, Suguro!” I called. Bon didn't look too sure about it, but Kuro won't drop us. He's the best friend/pet/cat/familiar/whatever a guy could ask for.

The miasma began chasing us as soon as we got close to the Impure King. It made finding a landing spot difficult, but Kuro managed to find a huge rock for us. Perfect for the spell, and perfect for me to fight the miasma on. I can keep some demon goo away from one rock. I hope. I'd better, or else.

“Honestly, I'm completely terrified.” Bon said.

“That's because you're sitting in the back.”

“I'm not talking about that, dumbass. You can't even draw your sword! You're just a strong kid sith a stick. Aren't you scared at all?”

Honestly? I'm absolutely terrified.

Kuro landed on the boulder with a crash.

“You're not giving up hope, are you?” Bon asked.

“Of course not!” I replied, “Not yet, anyway... Anyways, you're the one quaking in his boots! I bet everyone's doing all they can right now, so we will too. Start working on that barrier, chicken head.”

“What? Who are you calling a chicken head, you stupid monkey! Damnit! You don't have to tell me to start working!”

“Good, then get to it.” I'm glad that Bon was able to shake off some of his nerves. I tested my sword again. It still won't budge. I guess I'm doing this the hard way, flame free and all on my own strength. Nothing I haven't practised for years, at least. “Come on Kuro!” We began the fight, and Bon started the barrier spell.

I slashed as quickly as I could to drive back the demon goop with my sheathed sword. It was effective enough to stop each piece I hit, but it didn't stay back for long. It also seemed to get faster and faster as I kept fighting. Did this mean that the Impure King was gaining strength? Bon seems to be stressing out over there, watching me fight. I can't have him give up or collapse because of me.

“Chill out Suguro! If you keep freaking out, you'll collapse from exhaustion!” I called to him.

I kept up the fighting, testing my sword after every ten or fifteen swipes. Still no good. Why do I keep expecting it to work?

“Okumura!” Bon called. The goop appeared right in front of him. I ran over and slashed it, leaving my back open. Kuro took the hit for me when the next demon goop drew itself up behind me. Kuro got hurt because of me. I just kept attacking it, leaving my mind empty. I can't think about this right now.

The biggest pile of demon goop yet drew itself together just in front of us. It even looked like it had eyes and a mouth. I guess it did because those eyes turned towards us, and that mouth started spraying an even thicker miasma in our direction.

“The Impure King's heart?” Bon asked. He didn't let go of the seal he made with the ground. How can he tolerate that much?

“Hey, are you all right?” I called to him.

“Karura, protect me.” Bon said to the fire demon, and bright orange flames spread around him, burning the demon goop away from the rock he was on. I could see and hear the strength leaving him faster as his breathing quickened and exhaustion creeped into his face.

“This won't last another fifteen minutes. My body won't last. I guess this is the end.” Bon said with defeat.

I can't believe we made it this far, only to lose, and I still can't draw my sword. I can't use my flames, and I'm almost happy that they're stuck away in there. It means I can't lose control and give everyone another reason to hate me. At the same time, I can't try to save them either. They're going to die because I can't burn away this rot! Because I can't control myself! I need to try again! Try harder!

“Every second counts. While this barrier lasts, you should run.” Bon told me.

What the hell is he talking about! I'm not leaving him behind, as not-friend as he is. He can last long enough to let me figure out how to pull out my sword. I just have to give him the spirit.

“Kyoto tower. I wanna go up to the Kyoto tower!” I put on a grin and used my most believable excited voice, “Take me there tomorrow! You're a local, so you must know all about it. I hear it even has a public bath. It would suck if we didn't save Kyoto. It would _suck_ if we didn't save _everyone_. We're gonna win this.”

“Why the Kyoto tower! There are plenty of other famous spots, temples, all that! Ahaha! You're scared, but who cares. It doesn't really matter. I'll play along with your optimism, if that's what you want. After all, we're _friends_ Okumura, whether or not you believe me or believe in me, I believe in you. Whatever's stopping you from drawing your sword? Forget it. Forget all of it. Forget about the reasons why you're scared and afraid of everyone. Forget about why you hate yourself so much that you do what you have to do to get by. Forget about whatever dumb shit's going on in your head that's making you think that you're gonna screw it all up. There's a reason you're here, so prove it! There's nothing stopping you, so just do it!”

Why did Father Fujimoto save me? I'm worthless, pathetic, impossible to control, but he still saved my life. Why? Why would he save me? I pulled my sword as hard as I could, and I felt it give way in the sheathe. I could hear the blade slide against it's canister, and I could feel the flames spring to life, flowing over my skin like water. With just one swing, I took down that large pile of demon goop with the eyes and the mouth. The Impure King is so going down.

“Leave Suguro to me!” I turned and saw Shura calling to me, “Only you can beat that monster. You promised me, right? You said that you'd prove that Father Fujimoto was right to save you, so _prove it!_ All you lack is confidence. Just win a place for yourself.”

Just then, Bon collapsed. Dread filled every inch of me as I searched my brain for a way to stop this thing.

_I cannot bear to watch._

What was that demon voice?

_I am Ucchusma. I will join my purification flame with your flame, and then you must guide it. Speak the sutra and let me go._

The words just came into my head, “Fire, Life, Samadhi.” I concentrated the power into a large ball, but I couldn't let it spread too far. I released it and sent it into the nearest mass of demon goop. It was completely destroyed.

_Why do you hesitate?_

_The flame will burn everyone. It will burn me up too. I have to suppress my power. I am a beast who burns everything!_

But Shiemi wasn't scared of me. And before that, Paku wasn't scared of me. Why am I scared of me? I was safe and fine the first time I controlled my flames. Paku was perfectly fine the second time. Shiemi didn't get burned at all last time. I did that, and everyone is counting on me. This time, I can use my strength, my power, and it will turn out right if I succeed. I can't let them down.

A wave of calm spread from my mind through my arms, to my fingers, past my chest, into my legs, and all the way to my toes. With the next slash, I sent my flames across the whole area, anywhere in the range of the Impure King.


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26

Mephisto watched the spectacle from above, taking great pleasure in the humans' plight against the demon. Running around like chickens with their heads cut off. None of them really knew what they were up against. The Impure King had been sealed for so long, that no one was familiar with it anymore, and no one who still knew about it was powerful enough to seal it, forget destroying it. 

The head priest did a fine job holding it back, but a single old man could only do so much. With the True Cross in such trouble, who ever should they turn to?

Of course, they imprison the only one with enough power to stop the creature in a cell. Humans really are just dumb little creatures sometimes. They can't see a blessing when it's bright and shining right in front of their eyes. Quite literally, in the case of Rin Okumura.

Mephisto sighed. Maybe those exwire students managed to free him, and maybe they didn't. If the boy manages to keep his flames in check, any exorcist or demon of any intelligence knows that flame will defeat rot. That's just the way it is. It shouldn't take a genius to see that their best weapon against the Impure King is an exorcist-to-be with the third most powerful flames that demonkind has ever seen. Okumura is willing to work with them, but they are too proud and stubborn to see what a powerful gem they possess. Although...

The forest just below Mehpisto suddenly exploded with blue fire, quickly increasing its radius from the centre of the Impure King, no doubt where Rin Okumura was positioned, destroying the creature. Of course, all he needed to do to spare his life would be to defeat the Impure King, but cleaning up the rot and miasma as well? That's well and beyond the expectations! Mephisto's plan for the youngest hell king was falling into place more perfectly than he had intended.

“Magnificent! A veritable bonfire! Ahahahaha! A Blue Exorcist is born, who is destined to kill his own kind! Hee hee hee ha ha!

\---

I felt my strength waning and heard the flames around me slowly pull back in, until the pillar that shone above me was extinguished. I knelt and panted with the effort. I could only hope I was successful, or I'll be executed. I might be executed anyways...

 _The purification is complete. I will leave now._ Uchuusma spoke, _I wonder, which are you? Human, or demon? The time will come when you must decide._

The flame demon vanished in a spiral of flame, and left me to my thoughts. Human or demon? I thought that the answer to that was already clear. I'm a demon. I'm too bad, too evil to be a human. I'm not the same as them, I've never fit in. I am too much a demon to even keep a single friend. Everything I do hurts someone else around me, even when I try my hardest not to. My efforts are always in vain and never recognized beyond my demonic abilities and how much of a monster I am. I have to decide between being human and demon? No, that's wrong. I already am a demon. There was never any human to begin with, just a demon trying to fit in with humans. That's all I am.

“Okumura!” I hear Bon calling me. I'm glad he's alright. Maybe that means that I was successful and didn't burn anyone else? I shouldn't get too hopeful. I know how much of a fuckup I really am. But I can't show that right now. Gotta keep him happy, gotta make him smile, can't let anyone see me scared.

“Suguro, Shura, I... I did it! I controlled the flame!” I put on a huge smile and sheathed my sword, “It still needs some fine tuning but I can burn some things and leave others untouched!”

“You've done that before...” Shura commented.

“But this time it was fully intentional!” I turned to see another group of exorcists walking towards us, Shima and Konekomaru in the front. That reminds me of what I said to Konekomaru yesterday.

“Konekomaru! I can finally control my flames! I controlled it so it only burned the Impure King!” Maybe now, we can be friends. I guess I still do feel a longing for the companionship of others, so now that I've proved I won't hurt them, they'll trust me, right?

Maybe, maybe not. I mean, they can at least trust me not to hurt them, but they won't be trusting me not to keep secrets from them any time soon...

“That blue flame purified everyone else who encountered the gas, as well as the fungus. That power... I can't thank you enough.” I don't know who that is, but that exorcist guy seems pretty nice. I can't believe that someone is actually thanking me! For the first time ever... Someone who says thanks... I don't even know what to call this feeling. I just know that it feels really good.

My face went bright red, “C'mon, all this praise is embarrassing...” I stared down at my feet. Even if he's complimenting me now, he could still be a threat later.

“Okumura, thank you.” Konekomaru said, tears falling from behind his glasses, “You've got to forgive me!” He bowed. I'm confused, what does he need to be forgiven for? Treating me like the demon that I am? I just went over to pat his head. He doesn't seem to like it that much, but teasing him is kind of fun.

“Yukio!” I turned and saw my brother in the crowd of exorcists, “You're okay too!”

“Shura, why is Rin out of solitary confinement?” Yukio turned away from me. That stings a little, but I guess he's still not too happy with me. I mean, between the self-harm, using my flames recklessly, getting tossed in Mephisto's stupid prison, using my flames again just now... way back, he told me not to use them at all, so I guess I disobeyed him. Again.

Anyways, now's not the time to keep brooding. Gotta keep up my act! “I saved _everyone_ here! I bet you're so surprised that it made your jaw drop off! It won't be long before I surpass you!” I hope I'm not overdoing it. I sound like how I used to act before Yukio found out about my secret habits.

Then he punched me. In the face. I knew he was mad, but does he have to take it out that way? I know I'm meant to be hated, but it still hurts. I know that Yukio hates me and he has every right to. I still care about him, and as much as it hurts that he hates me, at least he doesn't hate himself. I'd rather be his scapegoat than have him have to feel that way. It sucks, I know that. As much as he hates me, I still hate myself more, and I still care about him.

“Stop joking around! Do you know what sort of situation you're in?” Yukio shouted.

“Yes I do. I am Satan's child. I've always been afraid to accept my power, but I don't have a choice. I have to face it and accept it. How it was before, I was wrong...” Just why did Father Fujimoto save me?

Shura shuffled Yukio off with most of the other exorcists, while a couple of doctors stayed behind to tend to Bon, Kuro, and me. I guess she didn't want the situation to get any more tense between the two of us. The doctors put some bandages around our wounds and gave us some medicine to drink. I think it had a sedative in it, because I started to feel really sleepy after drinking it. I heard them say something about helicopters, and I passed out.

I woke up, I don't know how much later, back at Bon's mom's inn. And Shiemi was sleeping right next to me. Please don't tell me that she got hurt too...

Just then, she opened her eyes and saw me. “Rin, you're awake! I'm glad.”

“Why are you sleeping here? Are you injured?”

“Oh, no. I came in to change an IV drip and I fell asleep watching your face because I'd been up all night yesterday. Good job Rin. You and Suguro saved these guys.”

“I guess it got pretty hairy, but I just thought about you and Paku and the other people who believed in me and it kept me going. So, thanks.”

“Really? I was helpful to you?” Shiemi suddenly sat up and started speaking with animation, “I was able to help?”

“Uh, yeah, a big help actually...”

“Shiemi turned away and looked back at me, crying. Shit, I made her cry again! Why am I so dumb! “I'm so happy!” She grabbed my hand and held it in between hers, “Listen Rin, from now on, no matter what happens, I'm your friend. We're friends forever and ever!”

As happy as that makes me... I've just been delegated to permanent friend status. Now I have less than the slightest chance against Yukio for her affections. Damnit!

Then I heard some giggling behind me. Was Shima listening? The. Whole. TIME? “I'm here too, you know.” Izumo called.

“Bon and Koneko have their own rooms.” Shima explained, “Word is, we've don't head back to Tokyo for a couple of days, so Miss Kirigakure said that we could have tomorrow off. So, if it sounds like fun to you, wanna be a tourist?”

\---

A little while later, I wandered around to try to find some food. It looks like most of the other exorcists that were called here have already gone back to whatever cities they're from. I saw Yukio sitting in a chair, dozing. He didn't smell like fresh blood right now, so I can only take that as a good sign. Although, I don't know how much longer he'll stay that way...

“Yukio! Your clothes, have you been up since yesterday?”

“...Yeah.” he replied. He sounded really tired.

“Then get in bed! You can't just lie around here. You're exhausted from being so tense all the time...” I noticed that he had fallen back into a doze. He probably didn't hear anything I just said. I walked towards him and ran my hand through his hair, “Take it easy. I need to talk to you, bro, so don't go anywhere.” I walked away and left him where he was. I know he probably didn't hear me, but I really do need to talk to him. Shura was right, we do need to talk some things out. I want answers from him, and no doubt he want answers from me.

I have a few people that I still need to talk to. I need to talk to Shura, she probably comes first, and I would like to talk to Izumo again. Paku too, it I can. Then Bon, I really need to ask him about what was up with him and his dad, and how his brain works. Seriously, he wasn't mad about me being the son of Satan? And he was only upset because I didn't talk to him? We need to sort that out. Yukio, I'm pretty sure, will be last. He'll be the hardest to talk to, and the most important. Yukio was with me at the beginning of all this, whichever point in time might be considered the beginning, and he's still going to be here at the end. It fits nicely that way, all tied up in a neat little bow. Until then, tomorrow we've got a vacation. We get to be tourists in Kyoto! And maybe I'll get to see the Kyoto tower...

I walked back to my futon with a huge grin on my face. Just the thought of the Kyoto tower put me in a better mood. I'd even forgotten that the metal bits I'd nicked from Mephisto's prison were probably trashed with the clothes I was wearing when we were brought back here. I had no materials with which to injure myself, and I still felt okay.

\---

Shima and Konekomaru took us around to a lot of tourist traps in Kyoto. I guess Bon thought he was too cool to be a tour guide, even if he always assumes he's the leader in any other situation. Izumo wanted to see some shrine, Shiemi and Takara wanted to eat sweets, and I really, _really_ wanted to see the Kyoto tower. Bon picked on me a little, but whatever. I'm pretty sure he was just teasing me...

Kuro had a lot of fun with us too. We got to see the tower, look out from the top, browse the gift shop, (they even had Kyoto tower dolls in various sizes!), and I wanted only one more thing.

“H-Hey guys, I have a request...” I don't know if they'll be okay with that or not. I mean, We've only just accepted that we can hang out as a group, so maybe this is a little forward of me...

“What is it, Okumura?” Konekomaru asked.

“Well, it's just the way I am, and you don't have to, but, um I just, uh, can we take a group shot right here?” I pointed to a photo stand with a tall Kyoto tower doll on it.

“Tch, I don't wanna get burned to a crisp.” Bon commented.

“If Satan's brat _orders_ it, then...” from Izumo.

“That sounded like a threat, so...” from Shima.

Konekomaru clapped his hands and bowed, “As Satan's child wishes.”

“Isn't this considered bullying?” I asked, not sure if they were serious or not.

“We'll never let it drop. Don't let who you are go to waste!” Shima said.

“Besides, you don't need to ask.” Bon patted my shoulder and walked forward to the picture stand. I can hardly believe that people can be this nice to me. It's such a good feeling, and I don't even know whether I should smile or cry.

I guess since we're taking a picture, I'd better be smiling. We gave the camera to another tourist and asked her to take the picture for us.

_Rin! Don't forget to look at the camera!_

“Thanks Kuro.” I picked up my favourite little buddy and we posed. It was a lot of fun, and I'm still having a hard time believing that I've got friends like this. This vacation might only last a day, but I don't want it to end just yet. I hope we can stay friends for a long time, not just for duration of this mission in Kyoto.


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter 27

We got back from Kyoto yesterday, I spent way too much time sleeping, and I'm _still_ tired! How does that even work? At least I have the room to myself for a little while. Bon and his hard-ass self took off to some other place in the dorm to study for a while. Or at least, that's what he _said_ he was going to do. For all I know, he just wants a nap but has too much honour student pride to do it in from of a slacker. That sounds more likely to me. He's a teenager, after all. We eat lots of food, we sleep, and that's about it.

Except this feeling keeps bugging me. I know I should just go talk to someone or train or exercise or something to take my mind off of it, but I can't right now. It's just a thought and it's stuck there.

Why did they leave me alone here?

I know that they don't trust me. After all, how could they? Yeah, sure, I just saved their lives, but that doesn't really mean anything. I'm still the same and I probably would have tried to save their lives regardless of whether or not they liked me or hated me. Though getting out of Mephisto's prison by myself would have been hard...

What am I saying? One teensy little ball of fire and it melted. Well, exploded.

Speaking of my flames, I did mean to talk to Shura about all this. I mean, she did kind of have to put up with a lot, so the least I could do is apologize and give a halfway explanation about everything. I might want to cut really badly, make this anxiety or whatever it is go away, but I don't really want to do that right now. I could, it would be easy. There's the bit of plastic behind my bed, the razor in the textbook, the extra sharpener from the shopping trip, some sodas in the fridge downstairs, even a shaving razor in the bathroom. Let's not forget the nails and teeth too, but I think I'll try to ride this one out. There's no reason to cut, I just haven't done it for a week or so, so I'm edgy. That's all, just tense because it's been a while, no need to take unnecessary measures.

But I want to so badly.

No, I'm going to go to the academy, and I'm going to find Shura napping in the training room. That's it. I'm going to go over there, I will apologize, and I will come back and not feel so bad anymore. Walking will help this feeling go away, if nothing else.

I grabbed my key off of my desk and stuck it in the door. As always, the hallway to the exwire classroom appeared behind the door, so I stepped through and put my key in my pocket. I quickly marched my way over to where the training room is, and found that I was right. Shura was napping there.

Crap, this means I've actually gotta wake her up...

I sighed and tiptoed my way over to her.

“Hey, Shura,” I whispered. I gave her a light poke just in case. Suddenly, I found myself on the ground with my face burning in the area around my nose.

“Jeez, Shura! You didn't have to punch me!”

“Well that's what you get for disturbing a lady's beauty sleep! What do you want?”

“I just came to apologize, but if you're gonna be all grumpy like that, I can just come back later!” I can't believe her! I turned to leave when she called me back.

“Wait Rin, I'm sorry. I'm just not a morning person. Give me two seconds to wake up and we can talk about whatever you wanna talk about, alright?”

“I said I wanted to apologize, not to talk.”

“Eh, but that's pretty much the same thing this time, right?” She didn't even wait for a reply, “Yer just too easy to read sometimes. C'mon, tell me what's got ya down.” She motioned to the bench she was sitting on, so I sat down beside her.

“I just wanted to apologize for my behaviour over the past month and a half. I couldn't concentrate on anything, I couldn't do my training properly, nothing was working out, and you had to deal with all of my failures. You, personally, because you're my trainer. I just wanted to apologize for that, so I'm very sorry.” That finished, I got up to leave when a tug on my shirt pulled me back against the bench.

“Hey, I was trying to leave. Why'd you-”

“You aren't done yet. I don't care if you were having problems in yer training. Yer a kid, Kids get distracted, that's normal. Kids get upset, that's normal. What's not normal is how ya tried to go about fixing it. So tell me, what's really on yer mind right now. I know it's been at least a few days.”

“Heh, try a week.” I clamped my hands over my mouth. She did _not_ just need to hear that confession.

“Ya see? Yer mind wants ya to spit it out. Give yerself a break and just say what's going on. That's what grown-ups like me are for, ya know.”

I couldn't help it. I started laughing, “Ha! You, a grown-up? I'd love to see that!”

“Just 'cuz I'm eighteen doesn't mean I'm not a grown-up. Eighteen is grown-up age in America, ya know.”

“Eighteen? I thought Yukio said you were twenty-si- OW! Why'd you punch me?” I rubbed the back of my head. That hurt.

“Never reveal a lady's true age. It makes them mad.”

“Geez, sorry.”

“Now, what was it you wanted to tell me?”

“Nothing. I apologized, that was it.”

“Right. You just keep stressing yerself out, cutting yerself up, and you expect me, yerself, and everyone else to believe that yer all fine and dandy?”

“Don't say it like _that._ ”

“Then how d'you want me to say it? That's what it is, right? A rose is a rose, no matter how you spell it.”

“I think you got the quote wrong...”

“Not my point.” Shura looked a little testy now, but she was still being patient. Did she really get that this is hard to talk about?

“Do you know how hard it is to talk about something like this?” I asked.

“Something like what?” she baited.

“You know.”

“So do you.”

“So...”

“Say it.”

“Why?”

“Because it's good fer you and yer never gonna truly accept it otherwise.”

I blinked. Was she right? I told Kuro, but I didn't actually use the word “cut.” I said “make myself bleed.” Is that really just avoiding the problem?

“The first step to overcoming a problem is admitting it.” Shura coached.

“But it's not a problem. And I don't want to just get over it. It's something I do, and it's something I've been able to rely on for far longer than I've ever had people to give a damn. Cutting is the only thing I have.”

“Good, ya said it. But yer wrong. It isn't the only thing ya have. It _was_ the only thing you _had._ Ya have some good friends now, and ya've even got a brother. Ya've got me, ya've got that stupid clown-face, ya've also got yer cat. Look around a bit. Ya have options now.”

“Maybe, but it's not that simple. I like doing it. It's safe for me. People, especially friends, are not. I can't just accept it so easily when nothing like this has ever happened before without an impossible price tag attached.”

“Well then those people before were just idjits who didn't know what they were missing out on. Yer a good kid, Rin. I'm really glad ya came ta talk to me today too. Keep doin' it. I bet it feels better, even now.”

“No-” I cut myself off. I didn't realize it, but that edgy feeling retracted while I was talking. I didn't even really say anything, but it just sort of backed off. It's like breathing again after being underwater for a long time. It's sweet and light and just a little bit salty. “Yeah, I guess.”

“That's 'cause yer finally listenin' to yer mind and givin' it what it needs. What it needs is a way to express yer feelings. Before, it went away after ya cut yer skin. Whether or not ya intended it that way, it's still self-expression. Ya don't need to tell me yer reasons, but for whatever the reason, ya were expressing something when ya did that, right?” Shura asked.

What was I expressing? My self-hatred, my anger, frustration? Did I feel like I needed to be touchable? Even if it was just a piece of metal? Did I need to physically show my pain? Did I need to physically express punishment upon myself for anything and everything horrible I've done? I don't really know exactly what my reasons are, but when it happens, I have a general idea. Everything stems from thoughts, but what exactly I'm expressing, I'm not sure. “I guess...”

“And now yer talking. It doesn't matter what about, but ya were laughing earlier, complaining, teasing, doing all these things that involve feeling something and lettin' it out.”

“I guess you're right.”

“Of course I'm right, I'm the teacher.”

I had to laugh again. “And you teach what, exactly?”

“Well, I just taught ya how to act just a little bit human.”

Huh? Mt smile dropped. I stopped laughing and just stared at her. What does she mean by that?

I think Shura understood my stare, because she answered almost right away. “Demons are creatures that hide their emotions and manipulate others with this deception. Demons are private creatures that hide all their weak points and keep others at a distance to keep themselves safe. Humans are who yer acting like right now, expressive and honest. Just be yerself, kid, or yer gonna end up half demon and half robot, insteada half human.”

Those words actually kind of made sense.

“Shura?” I asked

“Yeah?”

“Thanks.”

“No problem, kiddo. When ya've been through all that hell and back, ya gotta talk ta someone. Even if it's about nothin'. Just try ta keep that in mind, ya hear? I don't wanna hear that ya've been goin' and doin' stupid stuff like this again when ya've got a whole bunch of people who care about ya, okay?”

“I can't make any promises, but I'll try to make sure you don't hear about it.” I stuck out my tongue at her and bolted. No way she isn't gonna try to hit me for that.

“Hey! Get back here! That's not what yer supposed ta say before ya go runnin' off like that!”

“Too bad! That's all you're getting! I'm a kid, remember?”

“Eh, shut up!”

I don't know why, but I feel strangely good now. It's like whatever tension I just had was wiped away from that short conversation.

I slowed to a walk, then stopped and leaned against a wall.

I can just stand here, breathe, and hardly worry about stuff right now. Any shit that I need to deal with, it's later. Right now, I'm good. I can just stop, and I can breathe, and I can feel okay.

“Hey, Rin!”

Shura was calling me again? What else does she want? “Yeah, what's up?”

“I just got one more thing ta tell ya.”

“What's that?”

“Actually, it's not so much fer you as it is fer yer stupid four-eyed brother. When ya get the chance, tell him I said he's bein' a stupid four-eyed chicken, and that he needs to man-up and get over himself already.”

“I can't say that to Yukio!”

“Tell him it's from me. He'll get it.” Shura winked.

“But it's not very nice.”

“Trust me, it's something he really needs ta hear right now.”

“You know what's wrong with Yukio? Tell me! He's my brother!” Shura can't just not tell me. I've gotta help him if he's gotten himself too deep in all this trouble.

“That's not my place. Ask him yerself, or are you a chicken-monkey?”

“Monkey is Bon's insult! And I'm not afraid of talking to my own brother.”

“Whatever ya say kid.”

“Fine, I'll tell him, but I have a request in return.”

“Oh? And who says I'm gonna agree?”

“You don't have to use that accent if you don't want to.” I offered.

“Huh. What're ya talkin' about?”

“I don't know why, but it's not that hard to see that it's not your natural speech pattern. When you were waking up, you were much more articulate.”

“Fine, kid, you caught me. I do it because it's easier in the long run.”

“I'm not hiding around you, so you don't have to hide around me. Trust goes both ways, right?” I asked.

“Yeah. Sure, a deal then.” Shura turned and waved, “See you when classes start again!”

I walked in the opposite direction. I could pretty much pick any door to get back to the dormitory, so it didn't matter if I wandered around a bit. What did Shura mean about Yukio getting over himself? Does he have some sort of identity problem? Does he just get stuck on some thought or trait and keep thinking about it without satisfying it? I'm worried for him, and that bad feeling came back.

I want to cut.

I stuck my key in the next door and walked back into my dorm room. I went over to my books and was about to pull out one of the razors from between the textbooks when I heard a voice in the room speak to me.

“Hey Okumura, where've you been?” Bon asked, “I spent all that time thinking about how to start talking to you and you went and disappeared before I had the chance.”


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter 28

I froze, hand already on the textbook. Shit. There's no way Bon will believe I'm picking up a textbook for reading or something like that. I read manga, comics, picture books, not boring textbooks. How the hell do I explain this one? Maybe he doesn't know that I keep a blade there? No, this is the same blade I used that second night he was here when I talked to Izumo. He put it on my desk after finding it where I dropped it on the floor. He's also smart, so I bet he can put the clues together. Me plus a textbook that I wouldn't ever read plus hidden blades around the room (that he knows exist, even if he doesn't know where all, if any, of them are) equals...

Yeah, I think I'm screwed.

“Okumura? Rin?” Bon walked over and waved his hand in front of my face, “What are you spacing out for?”

“Nothing.” I replied.

“Yeah, nothing. Because you normally look at your textbooks.” Shit.

I stood up, dusted off my pants, and put on my best poker smile, “I dunno, some of them have pretty cool pictures in them. You know, rocks and volcanoes and stuff. Boom! What did you want to talk about?” Please accept the change in subject. _Please._

“I was just going to ask if we could finish the conversation about-”

“Hey, I have some questions for you about your dad. And your logic. First, what's up with the relationship between you two?” I am not finishing _any_ previous discussions with him. Not that I remember what they were, but if they weren't finished, then there was probably a good reason to avoid them in the first place.

“Will you let me finish a sentence?” Bon asked, exasperated.

“Hm. Nope, I don't think so!” I smiled at him. _Please_ buy it.

Bon sighed, “Fine, we'll do this your way first. My dad and I never got along because for some reason, he has the stupid idea that he has to do everything himself. I'm a teamwork kind of person, so that just doesn't sit well with me. His actions come across like he doesn't trust me, so I fight him to prove that I can handle it. Happy?”

“If it's just a simple thing like that, why would you say that you would disown him as a father? That seems beyond just a simple disagreement or clash of opinions.”

“If I answer your personal questions, will you answer mine?”

“Depends...” My smile fell from my face.

“Well then, the reason I said stuff like that depends...” Bon trailed off, smug grin on his face. He knows I can't just let it drop.

“Fine, I'll answer your dumb questions.”

“If you haven't noticed, I have very strong opinions. I get emotional about them. When I disowned him, I was speaking in anger, I didn't actually mean it.”

I sighed in relief. After what happened with Father Fujimoto... I can't let anyone else have that kind of thing happen to them. Not if I can help it. I don't want parents and their kids fighting when there's so much good left for them.

“So now my turn. Why did that bother you so much? When I told him that he was no longer my father?” Bon asked. My heart curled in on itself. I _really_ don't want to answer this question.

I stared at my feet, not knowing what to say.

“Hey, Okumura, look at me.” Bon waved in front of my face, but I kept looking down, “Okumura, look up!” he pushed my chin up until my eyes were reflected in his. I could feel my lower lip trembling and I couldn't bring myself to lie. I just kept staring at his face in silence.

“You really should talk about it if it's bothering you that much. Have you talked to anyone about whatever it is?” Bon asked.

“Yukio...”

“What did Yukio say about it?”

“He didn't say anything. We didn't really talk because I didn't know that he was an exorcist until the first day of cram school. When we fought the hobgoblins in the classroom, that's when he told me how he felt about the situation. He told me to just die, and I don't really blame him,” I answered, “But I never really talked to him. He just talked to me.”

I saw Bon clench his fist. He seemed to be holding back anger about something. As red as his face was, his voice was calm and well-controlled, “Then you should probably tell your side of things. If not your side, at least outline whatever the situation was. Talking about things is how you come to terms with them. I constantly complain about my dad, it's a coping mechanism to help me realize he's not actually that bad. Whatever your situation was, I'm sure it wasn't your fault.”

“But it _was!_ ” I shouted, “It was all my fault! I might as well have stabbed him myself!”

“Are you saying that you killed your dad?”

“I might as well have!”

“That's not the same.”

“It might as well have been!”

“What happened?”

“I told him never to call himself my father again, Satan took over his body, and he stabbed himself in the heart to protect me!” I was crying, and I didn't care, “It's my fault that he's dead, Yukio rightly blames me for it, and I blame myself too. If I weren't alive, he'd still be here. He gave up his life for something so worthless...”

“That's not true.”

“Yes it is.”

“It's a parents job to protect his or her kids because parents care about about them. You aren't worthless, you've proved that many times over, and you're a really good person. Give yourself a little credit. You've saved a lot of people. By saving you, your dad saved those people too. By saving you, he also proved that he's your real father, not some demon who happens to share some of your DNA.”

I had no response, and Bon didn't seem to expect one. He just let me cry until I calmed down. At some point he must have made his way to his bed to sit down. I copied and went to sit down on mine. Then I remembered I had another question for him.

“How does your logic work?”

“About what I just said? That's common sense.”

“No, after the camping trip...”

“You want to know why I was upset with you?” Bon asked.

I nodded, “Yeah. If I can fix it so you never get mad at me again-”

“ _That_ type of behaviour!”

I'm confused. What behaviour? I raised an eyebrow at him.

“That whole I've-gotta-handle-this-by-myself behaviour. The I-don't-trust-anyone-else-to-help-me behaviour! Don't fix it yourself! You're fine! Whenever you have problems, _ask one of us for help and we'll help you._ ”

“So that's the only reason you were upset with me?”

“You are just like my dad! Of course I was upset that you didn't think we would accept the fact that you're just a little bit different. You can't control that. What you can control is what we care about. That means your attitude, your behaviour, your actions, those matter. Genetics doesn't. Your actions said you didn't trust us, so I didn't want to trust you back.”

“And... that's all?” I'm unsure about this. I don't know if I can actually trust them. I don't talk about personal stuff. I don't know how, and there's no way I want to give that sort of information away. What if it hurts them? What if it hurts me?

“Yes, that's all. Trust us to help you out when you need it, and I have no problems.” Bon answered. Easier said than done.

“But what if I don't need help? Ever?”

“Bullshit.”

“Not bullshit.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“No, I've never needed help before, so why should I start asking for it now?”

Bon sighed and put his head in his hand. He looked like he was thinking about something.

“Okumura, do you remember what you said to me a couple of weeks ago?” he asked.

“No...”

“The conversation that we never finished?” Shit, this is the topic of that conversation? Whether or not I need help?

“It was about me asking for help? That's not something I would ever do because I've learned how to handle things by myself. I'm fine.” I hope this steers it away from anything he was going to say.

“You shouted at me saying that you don't understand how to act in a group of people because you've never had friends before. I don't believe for any fraction of a second that you've never needed help before, but I do believe that you've never had anyone who would help you during those times.” Why can't he just switch topics like I so obviously want him to?

“We are _not_ talking about that.” I stated.

“Yes, we are. I think you learned that, just because you didn't have anyone to help you when you needed it, that you didn't need help from anyone else. You got through it, and you kept smiling to keep your family happy. You made them believe that you were okay, and at some point, I think you started believing your lie too.”

“ _We are not talking about that._ ” I stated more firmly. I had told hold back my anger. I handled myself well enough in the past. Just because people didn't like me because I'm a fuckup doesn't mean that I needed help. I never needed help because everything bad that ever happened to me, I brought upon myself. I am no one else's responsibility. No one else should have to deal with my problems because I screwed up and caused them in the first place.

“Are you thinking that everything was your fault anyways? That it's no one else's business?” Bon asked quietly.

I remained silent.

“It _is_ our business because you are our friend and we don't want to see you hurting. Whatever you're thinking about, it _isn't_ your fault. It's the fault of anyone who decided to blame you because I know your personality type. It's so self-sacrificing, it's painful.”

“That doesn't mean it isn't my fault.”

“Well then tell me, how is anything your fault.”

“People could always tell I was different, even before they met me or talked to me. Maybe it's an evil aura, I don't know. I just know that every time I've tried to make a friend, I try to help them and screw it up! That's why I've never had friends! Because I can't do a single fucking thing right!”

“That's not your fault.”

“How is it not my fault? I'm the one who screwed everything up!” I shouted. Why didn't he understand? If I screw up, it's my own fault. No one else is to blame.

“Because I bet the only things you ever did to them were to be kind in the only way you know how: to take action and talk later. When you take action, you do more than anyone expects, or can even consider normal because that's what you are, not normal.”

“Thanks. That's so helpful.” I rolled my eyes. He just doesn't get it.

“I bet they were freaked out by the things that you could do but they couldn't. That's what I mean by not normal. You were more physically capable, but they didn't see that you were emotionally the same as them. They left you alone, and that is _their_ fault, not yours. It was _their_ choice, so that makes it _their_ problem. There was nothing wrong with you, but they made you think there was. To cope, you created problems so that you would have some action or some reason to blame it on, correct?”

So what if I fought people? They hated me before I did that, but that was just another reason to hate me, and eventually it was the main reason. It's not my fault that people kept provoking me, but it was my fault for beating them up as badly as they did. I didn't want them near me, and that kept them away, so my loneliness was _my_ fault, not theirs. After all, it was proved again _by them_ after the camping trip.

“No.” I replied.

“I know I'm right, because the reason you started hurting yourself is because you couldn't take the fact that there was no one to help you when you needed it because they were all prejudiced pricks who couldn't see a good kid when he was standing in front of them.”

“Yukio was the good kid, not me.”

“Enough about Yukio. I'm pissed enough at him already.”

“Why would you be mad at Yukio? He hasn't done anything wrong.” I stated. Yukio is innocent of everything, just like I made it. Yukio doesn't have to suffer because I am suffering for both of us. Yukio is too good a person to feel this type of hurt.

“Yes he has. He left you alone too, and betrayed you when you needed help the most. So did we, for that matter.” Bon said.

“No he didn't! He's my brother! He's always been there!” I exclaimed.

“No, he hasn't. Tell me, how did the person you are closest to, the first person you can think of to call a friend, your own brother, not notice when there was anything wrong, upsetting you, or even just bothering you or annoying you a little?” he asked.

“Because I never let him see it!”

“And when it was obvious?”

“It never was!”

“When your dad was killed by Satan, there's no way you wouldn't have been upset. Yukio told you to die. I call that a betrayal.”

“No! He was upset too! Those were just words! He didn't mean it! Even if he did, he was still right!”

“Doesn't matter, and he was _absolutely wrong._ No one has the right to tell their family to just die. Not under any circumstances. Family is supposed to work together, not against each other.” Bon commented.

I didn't know what to think. Yukio is the perfect one. He can do no wrong. He was right when he told me that I should die. Satans bloodline shouldn't continue. Evil demons like me shouldn't be allowed to live.

“When was the last time that the two of you had an honest-to-God talk? No lies, no secrets, just a talk about how you feel about each other and your current lives and all that.” Bon questioned.

“I don't know. I don't think we ever have. It doesn't work that way.”

“Then no wonder the two of you are having such problems! You don't communicate with each other, so how do you expect to help each other?” Bon exclaimed, exasperated by the level of stupidity the twins displayed.

“I don't need help. I already know how to fix my own problems. When Yukio needs help, I just beat up the guy who caused it. Bullies run scared when there's someone tougher around to protect their prey.” I replied.

“Of course you need help sometimes. You're human! You aren't perfect, you aren't a robot! Without help, humans will crack and break until they can't fix themselves properly anymore. If someone is broken, then they don't have a clear perspective about what is or isn't proper help because anything that doesn't _seem_ to be making it worse must be good.”

“I guess that makes sense, but what do you mean by doesn't seem to be making it worse? If it feels worse, it's making it worse. If it feels better, it's making it better. It's that simple.”

“No, it isn't.” Bon explained, “Just because it's temporarily better, doesn't mean that it isn't harmful in the long run.”

“Self harm is not harmful in the long run unless you don't know what you're doing and cut something stupid, like a vein or an artery. I know what I'm doing, and I'm always careful.” I responded coldly.

“Yes it is harmful in the long run because all it does is let you ignore the problem for a little while while it gets worse. At the same time, you don't develop the healthy relationships you need to cope with these problems and that slows down future recovery from said problem.” Bon explained.

“But the problem is fixed.”

“No, it's just pushed back for a while. It isn't solved or it wouldn't come back. That's why you need someone who will stick by you and not give up on trying to help you, even if it takes a long time, even if you always want to go back to old habits.” Bon extended a hand, “This needs to go both ways. Want to try talking about your problems _before_ you go to a blade?”

“You aren't telling me I have to stop?”

“No, I'm just asking that you come to me or someone else first. If it doesn't work or doesn't help, I can't stop you from doing what you feel you need to do. You are yourself, your own boss, and I can't make you do anything you don't want to do. So what do you say? I'm not telling you to stop cutting, so will you stop telling me to stop trying to help you?” his hand was still extended.

I sat there, thinking. I don't need any help from anyone, but he is actually listening to me. I mean, I could always just pretend to talk to him and then go cut like I want to. It's up to me, and like he said, he can't stop me from doing anything I don't want to do.

“Do you feel like cutting right now?”

“Not especially.” I admitted.

“Then that should answer any questions you have about whether or not talking actually helps, since I know you were looking for one of your blades when you got back here.” his hand was still out.

Crap. I forgot about that detail.

I smirked, “Well, you're too late on that point, stupid chicken. Shura beat you to it.”

“What? First Shima, now _Shura_ of all people?” he exclaimed.

“I know, you're losing your touch. You might not be the smartest one around anymore.” I joked.

“Haha, you're right. Maybe I'm not the smartest around, but I'm still right. Since we agree that talking helps, accept the offer?” Bon gestured with his hand, still waiting for me to accept.

What the hell? At the very least, it's just words. Words can't do any harm on their own, and if he's really going to listen... I grabbed Bon's extended hand and gave a good shake. “I guess it's a deal then.”


	29. Chapter 29

Chapter 29

What in the world did I just agree to? My hand fell to my side and Bon gave me a smile.

“Good. I'll have to hold you to that.” Bon stood up and walked to the door, “I'm going downstairs for a bit, so don't work yourself up too much.”

With that, he left, and I was left here alone. It's not breaking the deal because we just talked.

Instead of using the razor I stashed in between my textbooks, I went to my desk and opened the drawer. I took out my last sharpener and the screwdriver. I placed the lid of the sharpener on the floor and focused my thoughts. I sent out just a bit of my flame and melted the plastic away from the blade, then I took out the screw and had my prize in my hand.

I pinched the blade between my fingers and dragged the sharp edge all the way along the top of my left arm, from halfway up my upper arm down to the wrist. The blood puddled nicely and spilled over the edge of the small canyon I just made on my limb. So much for sharpening pencils.

I need to clean this up before Bon sees it. Hopefully with my demonic healing, I'll be able to get away with just wearing a sweater or long sleeved shirt for a couple of days.

I made my way to the bathroom on this floor. Bon said he was going downstairs, so I should be safe from him accidentally walking in on me and seeing this. I'm pretty sure that he wouldn't understand if I tried to explain my logic to him. He'd probably tell me that it doesn't make any sense and that I just broke the deal. I can't have him get mad at me, not yet.

I turned on the cold water and ran my arm under the tap, at least as much of it as I could fit under the tap. Sinks are small and arms are long. The water ran bright pink for a while, but eventually became mostly clear. The shirt I'm thinking of is a dark blue, so small spots shouldn't be noticed. The cloth is thick enough anyways, so the spots shouldn't show through.

I went back to my room and switched my shirt. Bon probably won't question it. I hope he won't, anyways. I guess I can just tell him that the other one was dirty. He'll probably believe that.

Why the hell did I just do that anyways? I thought I didn't feel like cutting and then the urge just hit me out of nowhere! There's no reason for it I just had to. I did it, now I deal with it. That's how it always is. I'll just go downstairs, maybe take a walk outside. Maybe that'll help.

I took off towards the stairs and jumped down them two or three at a time. Why am I so tense all of a sudden? There's no reason for this, there shouldn't be.

When I reached the first floor, I was about to head outside, but for some reason I stopped. My hand is on the handle, I fully intend on leaving the building, but I've stopped here. Why?

I listened to my surroundings, looked about, but there was nothing out of the ordinary. Yukio's room is just at the end of that hall...

I've never actually been down to the first floor since Yukio moved out of our room. Not unless you count heading up the stairs the day before we went to Kyoto. I haven't been to see Yukio yet, and he's my little brother. I can't just ignore him like that. I can't leave him alone when I know all too well what it feels like to be lonely. Too hell with what Bon said about Yukio being to blame, I want to see my little brother. I have some things I need to talk to him about too.

I made my way towards Yukio's room and knocked on the door. There was no answer. I guess he must be out for a bit, or maybe taking a bath or something. I walked towards the bathroom to see if he might be there when an all too familiar smell hit my nose.

Blood. And it wasn't coming from my arm.

I strode quickly over to the bathroom door and thrust it open.

What the hell did you get yourself into, Yukio?

\---

Rin had gotten out of solitary confinement, he had to give a report about how his brother had been so successful, and he wasn't able to do anything to help stop the Impure King himself. After all of that, Rin had come up to him and tried to be nice to him! Rin had cared that he looked tired even after he had punched his brother in the face! Yukio found it unbelievable. Why was Rin so much better than him?

He had been training to be an exorcist since he was a little kid, yet his brother, who had been training for only a few months, had already managed to surpass his abilities. Yukio knew it only too well, how much he hated himself.

He had tried giving himself a couple of days to calm down, to think this through, but he couldn't get past it. The entire time, since Rin had defeated the massive demon in Kyoto, the urge to cut had been growing stronger. As much as he wanted to continue denying it, Yukio knew that he couldn't just say that he wasn't a cutter, that he didn't like it.

Why did he like it? He didn't know. It just felt right to do the deed when he felt the call. Was it worth analyzing? Maybe, but he didn't really care anymore. Maybe he had deluded himself into thinking he was doing it for Rin, but that wasn't really true, was it? This whole time, the only reason he had tried to approach this scientifically was to figure this out for himself.

If Rin hadn't begun self-harming, maybe Yukio wouldn't have considered it either. This coping method was right in front of him, so he had decided to test it out. Of course he knew of self-harm before all of this started, but it wasn't really _real_ to him until recently when he found out that Rin was a cutter. It suddenly made it real, and Yukio had wanted to try it for himself.

That bullshit about trying to understand his brother? That's all it was, bullshit. He knew he would never understand exactly what Rin was feeling, just like Rin would never understand what he was feeling. They are different people, thus have different thoughts and reasons.

Maybe it was in his nature to copy the people he looked up to. Maybe Todo was right. Yukio didn't know, and at this point, it didn't really matter. He had to admit it to himself, he was a cutter, though a rookie at it. He'd never be able to do it like his brother. He also had the disadvantage of human-speed healing abilities. It would take longer, meaning he'd have to hide it all much longer.

But that didn't really matter in the end either, did it? He hated himself, he knew that he was trash compared to his brother, and if his brother thought so lowly of himself, then what did that make Yukio?

Worse than nothing, that's what that made him. Yukio picked up the razor blade he'd become so fond of and left his room. He closed the door behind him and made his way to the bathroom, letting the door swing closed. What if he tried vertical cuts this time?

No, he wasn't going to kill himself, he just wanted to see if it would be any different. Just simple curiosity, nothing more. He had held off of cutting until now, so he was hoping it would bring him the expected relief from his raging emotions.

Yukio held the blade over the inside of his left forearm, just to the side of the vein and an inch from his wrist. He pinched tightly with his fingers and pressed slowly with the metal so that he could see each bit of skin split away from the shaving tool, emotions slipped away from his awareness as he slid further up his arm.

He had gotten near his elbow and removed the metal from his arm, relishing the numbness that comes with the act. It wasn't a deep line, only splitting the skin, just enough to bleed without immediately clotting. It didn't even hurt, really. Cutting had stopped hurting a long time ago. Once again, he was thankful that the exorcist uniforms were long-sleeved, black, and heavy. He couldn't help but feel a small dissatisfaction, though, when he realized that his arms didn't match.

On the plus side, he was ambidextrous. Yukio switched the blade to his left hand and placed it over the same spot on his right forearm, focusing to keep the razor from slipping out of his now wet fingers. As he was about to make his next slice, the bathroom door burst open.

Rin stared first at the blade Yukio's hand, then his left arm, then his right. The older twin strode over and slapped the razor out of the hand of the younger. It clattered to the floor a few feet away as the two brothers looked each other in the eye.

Yukio felt guilt and dread flow back into his stomach. He was caught, red-handed and dripping on the floor. He slowly pushed himself away from his brother, leaving a short trail of bloody left-hand prints on the floor.

There was no way out of this one.

After a few moments, Rin spoke up.

“Stop this, Yukio. I think we need to talk.”

\---

I looked at the blade in my brothers hand. Why would he consider ever picking one up? My gaze shifted to the bloody mess on his left arm. It's such a familiar sight, but I never wanted to see is on his body. Then I looked at his clean right arm, razor perched over his wrist. He was staring back at me, and I could only think that he knew he was caught.

And he knew that I wouldn't let him do that a second time.

I strode over to him quickly and slapped his hand, causing him to drop the razor blade he'd been holding. It hit the floor only a few feet away, but a few feet is far enough. He won't make a grab for it, not with me here to see it.

Yukio slowly started pushing himself across the floor, away from me. At least he wasn't moving towards the blade. Is he afraid of me? Does he feel guilty? The short trail of bloody hand prints lead me to believe that he's afraid, at least, of my reaction. What can I do now? How can I help my brother when I know he's not inclined to trust me and probably doesn't want to talk about this?

I know I certainly didn't want to talk about this when I was in his position, but Bon made me. I guess it sort of worked. Yeah, I still cut, I don't want to give up my blades, ever, but I don't want Yukio to continue. Maybe that's hypocritical of me, but I don't really care. I just need my little brother to stop hurting like this. I need him to be the Yukio that I used to know, used to take care of, used to beat up bullies for. I want Yukio to be happy, regardless of what Bon says about him.

Though it is extremely hypocritical of me to be saying this to him, I need to say this. I need Yukio to know that he has to get over this.

“Stop this, Yukio. I think we need to talk.”


	30. Chapter 30

Chapter 30

“Stop this, Yukio. I think we need to talk.” I said. I stood up and held out my right arm, seeing as we both have injuries on our left arms. Yukio cautiously took my hand, and I pulled him up, “First thing's first, though. We need to clean off your arm.”

I walked Yukio to the sink and retreated, “I'll wait in your room. Just come by when you're finished.” I let the bathroom door swing closed behind me and let myself into Yukio's room. I sat on the bed and waited for him. It shouldn't take him too long to rinse it off, maybe wrap a towel or something around it. I doubt Yukio would be dumb enough to even try cutting the other arm with me just down the hall. He's probably in a bit of shock, trying to wrap his mind around what I caught him in the act of doing, just as he caught me in the act oh so long ago.

Well, maybe it wasn't all that long ago. Let's do the math: there was the week spent in Kyoto, another week before that after the conversation Bon and I had, a week before that where it was just me and Bon being angry at each other and arguing about homework and stuff, and then before that was the first week. Four weeks, that's about a month since the two of us have been apart. Yukio's gotten this bad already? I must be a pretty shitty brother.

I have to make it up to Yukio. I have to help him, because I don't want him to end up like me. No one should ever have to be in my shoes. No one else deserves that.

Yukio walked into the room and sat on the opposite bed, facing me. It was almost déja vu. We'd been in the same position so many times in our room, it was almost nostalgic. This time, however, I am the one doing the scolding. Or rather, being the experienced one trying to talk to the other.

Well, no time to reflect on that. Here goes nothing, “Yukio,” I started. His eyes shot up to meet mine as I said his name, “What's going on?”

“Isn't it obvious, Rin? I thought you were at least smarter than that.”

“I'm not blaming you for anything! I just wanted to know if you could explain your side of the story. I know what I saw, and I know you know that I saw it. Please, if you can tell me why you decided to do it?” I asked

“No reason.”

“Bull.”

“I don't know, then!” Yukio exclaimed, suddenly standing. He took a deep breath and sat back down, “It isn't like you can understand anyways.”

“That's not the point Yukio.”

“Then what exactly _is_ the point, Rin?”

“I want to know if there's anything I can do to help you.” I admitted.

“There's _nothing_ you can do to help me, except perhaps to leave right now.”

“That's not going to happen.”

“Why not?”

“Because you're my little brother and I care about you!”

We sat in silence for a moment. Yukio seemed lost in thought as if he was debating what to say next.

“I don't need your help. Not anymore.” Yukio whispered coldly.

“If you don't want my help, that's fine. Please get someone else's help then. There are lots of people here who would help you if you gave them a chance.”

“Can't I say the same thing to you?”

“It's a bit late for that. I made a deal with Bon. You can't use that argument against me any more.”

Yukio bit his lip. I know he's hiding something from me, but what?

“There isn't anything that anyone can do to help me fix my problem.”

“You're admitting that there's a problem?” I didn't think that he would admit it so easily or quickly to me. Does this mean that he still trusts me a little bit?

“I don't think you'd believe me if I lied, so why bother?” I guess not.

“Then what is this problem? If I or anyone else can't help you, then there should be no harm in telling, right?” I asked. Can't he see that I honestly want to help him? Or maybe he doesn't want help, kind of like I didn't.

“It's not worth sharing.” Yukio replied, his voice as hard as stone.

I just remembered something, “Oh yeah, I also have a message for you. Shura asked me to tall you to “get over yourself,” whatever that's supposed to mean.”

Apparently I said the wrong thing. Yukio stood up again and started shouting.

“She had _no_ right to say something like that! She had _no_ right to say it to _you_ of all people! She has no right butting into my business that way! I don't need to get over _myself! Myself_ isn't the whole problem!”

“What do you mean _me_ of all people? Is it because you still see me as a demon? I don't blame you if you do, but-”

“No, Rin! That's not my problem with telling you! Half of the reason is because I don't want to make your problems worse, and the other half is because I need to prove that I don't need to rely on you anymore!”

“But you're such a cool exorcist. How can you say that you're relying on me?” I asked, confused as to how he came up with that. Yukio hasn't relied on me since we were little kids.

“Because you're always so much better than I am, and no matter how much I try, I can't live up to you! I hate myself!”

My eyes widened in shock, and a sting of hurt ran from my throat to my gut, “Yukio...”

“There isn't anything that anyone can do to help me, because by accepting their help, I wouldn't be getting any closer to you, I'd be stuck in the same place while you continue to grow, get stronger, get better! And then I found out that you've been self harming! Probably for a very long time! Since we were kids, right?” I flinched at his accusation, “You didn't need to rely on anyone but yourself and your own actions, so why did I rely on you too? If it helped you, then maybe it would help me too! I wanted to understand!”

So that's what Shura meant about telling Yukio to get over himself. He's so preoccupied with how he's not good enough that he can't move on.

“Yukio, I-”

“Shut up Rin! I don't want to hear anything from you!” Yukio panted, exhausting himself with all the emotional energy.

I waited a moment for him to catch his breath and hopefully calm down a bit. “Yukio-”

“I said _shut up,_ Rin!”

“No. Fuck it, I'm going to talk to you if I want to, and you're going to listen to me!”

Yukio's eyes widened, but he stayed still, waiting for me to finish.

“The reason that I started cutting is because I was frustrated with the way everyone else treated me. I mean our neighbours, the kids at school, teachers, random strangers, everyone but you, the priests at the monastery and dad. I couldn't go to the adults at the monastery with the problems because I didn't think they'd believe me or listen to me. I also didn't want to disappoint the old man with yet another failure of mine. I couldn't go to you because I'm the older brother. Older siblings look out for the younger ones, not the other way around.

“When I started, it was an accident. I scraped myself and liked the feeling I got afterwards. I tried it again intentionally later, and it became a habit. I couldn't stand the way that people judged me before they got to know me, or if they called me a demon because I tried to help them the wrong way or got in fights. I did my best to protect you too, to take all the blame whenever anything went wrong because you are the angel and I'm the demon. I deserve this punishment! You don't have to hurt yourself this way because there's nothing you ever did wrong!” I exclaimed.

“You believe all that? You could have come to me at any time! Just because I'm your younger brother doesn't mean that you can't talk to me! Just because you're older than me doesn't mean that you have to take it all on by yourself! If it really was you against everyone else, then you should have asked me to help you! To be your backup!”

“But I couldn't get you in trouble that way! You'd end up with the same bad reputation that I had and then I would've felt even worse!”

“But you wouldn't have been alone!” Yukio shouted.

That last comment really stung. Loneliness is the overarching reason for my cutting, I suppose. I was always alone, and this is what I had to help me. Does Yukio know that loneliness too? I hope to God that he doesn't, but I have to ask anyways.

“So you know what that type of loneliness feels like?” I whispered. It was quiet, but I know he heard me.

“How do you think it feels to be five to eight years younger than every exorcist you're training with, working with. It's only now that people my age are becoming Pages, not even full Exorcists of any rank yet.” Yukio whispered back, just as quietly.

“I see.” So Yukio does know how much it hurts to be alone, to have no one to help you when you need it most.

“But at least I had dad, back then.” Yukio continued. I'm glad he wasn't completely alone, “And then I was living with you until recently. Even if I was alone, your antics could cheer me up, on any bad day. As much as I hate myself more for it, I miss it.”

“So that's when...”

“When what?”

“When you started cutting. I'm so sorry Yukio.” I apologized.

“As much as I wish I could blame it all on you, it isn't entirely your fault. You may have given me the idea of self harm, but I'm the one who actually picked up the razor.”

The guilt crawled into my throat. I gave him the idea? Without me, he wouldn't have tried it? There's no way that Yukio would have been unaware of self harm before this past month. I guess it just never crossed his mind as a way to cope until now.

With the lump in my throat, it was hard to speak, but I managed to get a few words out, “I'm sorry that you ever had to find out about it, and I'm sorry that I caused you to ever try it for yourself. Can you forgive me?”

“What for?”

“For making you feel the way that you do, for introducing you to this habit, and for not being able to stop it.”

“I mean, I don't need to forgive you for anything, Rin. It's not your fault that I chose to do this. I admit, I wouldn't have tried it without you doing it first, but that doesn't make it your fault. I should have tried to talk to you before deciding to tackle the problem by myself. This time, I think we share the blame, just like we share the addiction.”

“You mean, you've gotten that bad already?” I blinked the tears back. How could I miss my little brother hurting so much? Is it because we've never really talked before?

“Don't make me stop.” Yukio asked.

“But you really shouldn't be doing this.” I argued.

“Wasn't that your rule before? Don't tell you to stop? Why would you ask differently of me?”

“Because you're worth something, Yukio. I want you to be able to see that and to not have to rely on a stupid habit like this.” I rebutted.

“So are you, Rin.”

“But I was able to give it up for a while when I had you and the exwires as friends. I was able to live with it all because I thought that, since I had friends, people to be with, that I had a reason not to cut. I could ignore the bad feelings because there were so many new and good feelings that I got from being around all of you.”

“And you went back because they all betrayed you? I guess I wasn't any better. In fact, I think I was worse than them.” Yukio admitted.

“What did you do?” I asked.

“I told you to die, to kill yourself.”

“But you didn't mean that!”

“At the time, I think I did.”

I could only sit, shocked. Yukio had actually wanted me to die?

“Back then, everything was black and white for me. Demons should die, that was the rule. I learned better, but I can't take back what I said back then. It's too late to regret the past.”

I couldn't respond to that. It is too late to regret the stuff that happened back then. It happened, now we're here. We need to focus on right now right now.

“Do you think you'd be able to stop if you had a reason not to cut any more?” I asked.

“I suppose so, but you know I'm still probably going to want to.” Yukio replied.

“It isn't as if I'm asking you to give it up right away. I can't either. We're alike in too many ways, you know?” Like the matching vertical cuts on our left arms right now, “I just want to know if there's any way that I can try to make you feel better so that you don't have to resort to cutting any more. I want you to be able to talk to me, like we used to and like we are right now.”

“We never used to talk, Rin. Neither of us was ever honest.”

“Then I want to know how to help you quit.”

“I want to live with you again.”

I was stunned. Was I really worth that much to him?

“Are you sure? I mean, I'm not really a great dormmate, I'm loud, annoying, I sleep all the time, I can't get my homework done on time...” I listed. Yukio just laughed.

“That's what I miss! I miss you being my brother!”

“I've missed you too, Yukio. Think we can come to an agreement though?”

“What do you want to agree to?”

“Well, I kind of like having my own room. Living with my teacher is just _weird._ ”

Yukio laughed again. “Fine, how about if I just live next door or across the hall then?”

“Sounds good to me. I agree to live next door or across from you if you'll agree that you won't try cutting anymore.” Yukio scowled at me and opened his mouth to rebut my statement, “At least until after you try talking to me or Bon or Shura or someone first.” I finished quickly.

“Why do I have to talk to you first?”

“Don't you feel a little better already?” I asked. I know he does, I can tell by the way he laughed at my jokes and has started talking more comfortably.

Yukio pondered the question a moment before giving a reply, “Fine, I'll agree. Near-roommates again?”

“You bet lil' bro!” I jumped up and grabbed Yukio by his good arm, then grabbed a sweater out of the closet, “Come on. Put this on so we can go upstairs and tell Bon!”

“No need, Okumura. I heard you from out here.” called a voice from the hallway.

“How long have you been listening?” I shouted. He has no business doing that.

“Since you two were shouting loudly enough for me to hear you from upstairs. I just moved closer in case I needed to stop you two from killing each other. I'm glad that that wasn't necessary.” Bon replied smugly, “I told you, all you two needed to do was communicate with each other.”

“Shut up, you stupid rooster!”

“Grow up, ya dumb monkey.”

I heard Bon's footsteps as he walked away from the door. I stayed quiet until I heard him start climbing the stairs.

“Well, with that all done, you want to start moving your stuff back upstairs, Yukio? You need to pick a room.”

“Sure, Rin. Why not?”

The two of us started carrying clothes, school supplies, and exorcist equipment back up the stairs. Yukio chose room 604 to stay in, right next to the room I'm sharing with Bon. I don't think Bon plans on moving out, especially when I cook for him every day.

I know it's going to be a rough time for both Yukio and me. I an only hope that, since he hasn't been cutting long, that he'll get past this and never feel that he has to cut again. I don't want him to hate himself. I never wanted him to have to experience that kind of pain. I guess it happened without me noticing it, and I'm going to regret it for a long time. It hurts to see my little brother hating himself so much, and I really hope that he can start to feel better about himself soon.

I guess he was right about that one thing, though. No one can help him with that problem. If he hates himself, it's up to him to fix his train of thought. We can't change it for him, we can only be there and encourage him to see the good in himself.

It's going to take a long time, but that's what family is for, right?

Myself, on the other hand, I know I'm a cutter for life. The urge will wax and wane as it always has, so some days will be fine, and on others, I'll want to die. That's the way life goes. I might be able to give up my blades for a day, for two days, for a week, a month, a year, maybe even ten years.

In the end, I know I'll go back. I'll relapse, I'll like it. That's how it works with an addiction.

Maybe it isn't an addiction in the conventional sense, but I can't give it up.

I can try, but it will happen again.

And again.

And again.

Until I die.

That's why I say “don't tell me to stop.”

Because I can't. I won't.

At least this time, though, I have friends who can help me out if I have the guts to take it.


End file.
